The Stoic Guide to Love: Enhancing Relationship Dynamics with Timeless Wisdom
“The wise man loves without the anxiety of loss, for his heart is in the domain of his own virtue, not in the possession of another.”
The concept of love in modern English carries a plethora of connotations, varying with the relationship dynamic involved. From the passionate blaze of romantic love (eros) to the deep-seated warmth of familial bonds (philostorgia) and the harmonious connection of platonic friendships (philia), love’s spectrum is broad. However, love’s shadow side also emerges in the forms of obsessive and unrequited affections.
Embracing Love as a Stoic
Contrary to popular belief, Stoicism does not advocate emotional detachment or an inability to experience love. Instead, Stoicism encourages living in harmony with nature, which includes embracing love as one of the most natural human emotions.
The Cardinal Virtues of Stoicism
Before diving into the Stoic perspective on love, we should revisit Stoicism’s core principles: the four cardinal virtues — wisdom, justice, courage, and moderation. Musonius Rufus, a Stoic philosopher, maintained that engaging in sexual activities does not inherently violate these virtues, suggesting a liberal stance towards expressions of love and sexuality.
However, Stoicism identifies non-virtuous relationship behaviors, such as non-consensual acts, partner maltreatment, infidelity, and obsession, as these reflect a lapse in judgment and virtue.
While Musonius Rufus adopted a relatively open view on relationships, other Stoics like Cicero posited that what is often perceived as love may, in fact, be lust. Cicero believed that love in its purest form should be devoid of turmoil and longing, suggesting a more cautious approach.
Stoics do not shun affection but prioritize virtues above all. Positive emotions outside these virtues are seen as ‘preferred indifferents’ — beneficial but not essential to a fulfilling life.
Eudaimonia and Love
Stoic philosophy treads carefully around love and passion, distinguishing between rational and irrational emotions. Eudaimonia — Stoic happiness — is characterized by apatheia, a state devoid of negative emotions and excessive desire or passion.
Stoics warn that intense love can disrupt eudaimonia, advocating for a balanced approach where love complements virtue without leading to over-indulgence or excessive passion.
Stoics on Pleasure
Marcus Aurelius, a notable Stoic emperor, once said, “Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” This sentiment captures the Stoic view on pleasure and love: while they are preferred indifferents, they play a significant role in the initial stages of romance, setting it apart from mere friendship.
Yet, the Stoics were critical of relationships based solely on physical desires, as these lack depth and contradict the principle of apatheia.
Unrequited Love and the Dichotomy of Control
Stoicism dismisses unrequited love as an unnecessary source of trauma. Epictetus, a Stoic philosopher, taught that we should focus on what we can control — our own actions and responses, not the feelings of others. Since unreturned affection is beyond our control, it should not concern us.
Love and Loss
Seneca, another Stoic philosopher, advised, “You have buried someone you loved. Now look for someone to love. It is better to make good the loss of a friend than to cry over him.” Stoicism prepares one for the inevitability of loss, whether through separation or death, using practices like memento mori and premeditatio malorum to foster gratitude for love experienced rather than grief for its absence.
Final Thoughts
Views on love and relationships are as diverse as people themselves, shaped by personal experiences and cultural contexts. Within Stoicism, perspectives vary, reflecting the shift from Athenian liberalism to Roman conservatism. Nonetheless, Stoics concur on avoiding harmful types of love and relationships that compromise virtue.
Stoicism teaches the value of self-worth and cautions against being overwhelmed by passion or the illusion of ‘undying love,’ which can lead to being taken advantage of or emotionally manipulated. In essence, it is better to be alone than in a detrimental relationship, a timeless piece of wisdom that resonates as much today as it did in ancient times.
Recommended Reading
Lives of the Stoics: The Art of Living from Zeno to Marcus Aurelius
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
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