64 Days of Microdosing a Little-known Hallucinogenic and How it Changed my Life

I started microdosing a relatively unknown hallucinogenic at a very volatile time. My dad had died three months prior, my relationship with a woman I deeply love was falling apart, and I felt I couldn’t trust my thoughts or feelings. I was willing to try anything to escape the pain inside my head.

I stumbled across Tabernanthe Mannii, a little-known plant purported to be the female plant of Iboga. I’d previously read Breaking Open the Head: A Psychedelic Journey Into The Heart of Contemporary Shamanism by Daniel Pinchbeck and was familiar with Iboga. I knew it was an intense hallucinogenic that showed promise of freeing people from addiction.

I knew that the feelings and thoughts surfacing in my relationship and as a result of my dad’s death were worn-out patterns from childhood trauma. It felt like driving a truck on a muddy road, I kept trying to get out of the ruts, but the mud was too slick.

Reading through the Tabernanthe Mannii website, I was struck by the following passage “The Mannii seems to unlock neural pathways, reprogramming and rerouting how data flows within the complexity of the human body.”

A week later, a package arrived from Australia. Inside was a small dropper bottle with a wrinkled label. The label read, “Take 1 to 10 drops in the morning as you wish.”

The first day I stared at the bottle in my hand and felt a tightening in my chest. I’ve read a number of books on hallucinogenics and hold a pernicious curiosity about the subject. Still holding the bottle in my hand, I was faced with the experience itself.

Two drops fell into the water. I gulped down the first day’s dose. Almost immediately, I felt a slight jolt of energy.

In the afternoon, my partner came over, and we started a pattern we’d repeat for the next few months. We broke up. As we were having “the talk,” I looked into her eyes, and a deep feeling of calm and love flooded my body. A thought floated into my head — our souls weren’t done.

As I watched the conversation unfold, I knew intellectually that the experience was painful. It’s just I didn’t feel the pain. Instead, I felt a boundless love for the events as they were unfolding.

It was an experience not too dissimilar to being the “observer” while meditating. I was abstracted ever so slightly from what was happening.

I remember a profound thought crossing my mind as she left. Even in the most painful situations, beauty is always there. We need to be ready to see.

Down the Rabbit Hole

For the next 64 days, I micro-dosed almost every day. Mannii became a subtle force in my life. It allowed recurring thought patterns to shift from the subconscious to the conscious mind. The process was anything but pleasant.

I realized that many of my behaviors were centered on codependency. Instead of facing uncomfortable emotions, I used people to escape working on myself. My behaviors were at times controlling, demeaning, and full of guilt and shame.

As my ex and I got back together and “broke up,” I kept seeing my patterns but had no idea how to change them. I felt a growing frustration. Facing these behaviors head-on was not leading to any measurable results.

The Power of Intentions

I knew from previous research on psychedelics that the state of mind is an integral part of any outcome. After a week of frustration, I realized Mannii would work better if I was more intentional about the microdose.

To facilitate my microdosing experiment, I created a very rough journal template. For the first iteration, I had a section for intentions, another for thought patterns, and a third section for affirmations.

Over the next week, the intentions and free journaling on thought patterns helped. I found myself starting to change my behaviors.

Being a relentless tinkerer, I kept working on the journal outline while microdosing. The Mannii made it easy to continue this work. I felt no fear about “getting it right.” Instead, I felt guided to create something as if collaborating with the plant.

As the journal matured, I continued to write. What surfaced felt like an archeological dig. With each day, the artifacts became clearer. Some days I used a shovel, and other days a paintbrush.

Below are a few excerpts from the journal (left exactly as they were written):

Day 17 — Realized I was worrying about my partner’s mood, realized this was an old pattern, a mental rut.

Day 18 — Hit with heavy patterns of worrying about relationship falling apart, had the realization that I worried about the exact same thing the previous year — realized that this fear of loss was within me.

Day 45 — I found myself bound up for weeks in a rut of self-consciousness. Mannii gave me the ability to surrender to the moment without thinking about myself. [Editors note: that day I was uninhibited and felt free, as though floating on a cloud]

Day 50 — Realized the journal I was using to record my thoughts could be useful for other people. Started asking questions. What structure would make it the most useful? I was no longer a passenger, I was once again actively engaging with life.

Day 56 — I started unraveling feelings that were coming up from the death of my father. I had hidden anger aimed at my Mother. I was able to recognize and feel the anger, to embody it and let it go. I was able to communicate this anger to her in a healthy way that changed our relationship for the better. I recognized that all the old wounds from my family situation were still driving my life.

The Work Begins

On one particular day, I set an intention to stop talking to my partner about a specific issue I had with her. During the course of the day, we had an argument. I felt my mind leaning toward the problem. I was about to open my mouth when an upwelling of energy hit me like I’d just experienced an aftershock.

A thought popped into my head. Intentions are energy. If we go against our intentions, we go against our own power, creating a blockage.

The profundity of this experience reminded me that our words create our reality. From that moment on, I knew I needed to be more conscious of my words internally and externally.

I’d love to say that this profound moment shifted my life and that everything from then on was bliss. It wasn’t. Mannii didn’t cure my codependency. It didn’t save my relationship or make my life easier in the short term.

Instead, it opened me up to the patterns ruling my life. In the process, it allowed me to begin the work of unraveling the old ruts so that I could replace them with new and healthier alternatives.

Mannii and microdosing gave me a slight shift in perspective, which I believe will lead to a massive change in my life over time. Mannii opened the door. Now it is up to me to do the work.

The Journal

As mentioned in this article, I created a guided journal for anyone looking to start their own microdosing practice. The journal is built on all the learnings from my personal experience microdosing Mannii. It includes pre-dosing prompts, a 6-week protocol, and an integration exercise. It is the journal I wish I’d had when I started my microdose.

If this sounds like something you’d like to use, please consider buying a pdf here. If you’d love to use the journal but don’t have the funds, please fill out the contact form here, and I’ll email you a copy.

I wish you the best in your internal explorations. May you find the beauty within.