My First Sweat Lodge…. and LSD

I have been really committed to trying any new opportunity that is offered to me lately, so when a friend called me to both try LSD and go to a Sweat Lodge on consecutive nights this weekend, I jumped at the chance.. Below are my notes on the adventure…

LSD

Part I — The Drive

It’s 4:30am and I’m parked at the Campus in the University of Haiffa. I just made the drive from my apartment in Ashkelon. It’s about a two hour drive and was serene. I left my place at 2:30am, so absolutely nobody on the road. The plan is to meet a group of friends at 5am and to head up to Carmel Mountain to watch the sunrise, do acid and spend the day in the woods. I don’t feel I’ve developed much over the past few weeks (or since the meditation in general). A lot of my free time has been spent heading into Tel Aviv to meet with friends — usually focused around an activity involving drinking. I’ve realized how strong the effect alcohol has on me… It can impact my happiness days later — not just happiness, but the ability to feel really connected. I find I get more stressed about my own life goals and as a result, less focused on the present and less compassionate towards others. I feel like a single night of heavy drinking drinking sets me backwards when thinking about all my goals — health wise, work wise, and just general well being — but it’s also still a lot of fun, so I’ve been having trouble quitting completely.

This week, I really felt like I needed to get out of my comfort zone, so I am hoping this experience provides some new insight. I was out at a daytime party in Tel Aviv last Saturday — it was a full deep house music party in a type of warehouse — I made the commitment not to drink and it actually turned out pretty well. It was tough for the first hour as every time I’ve been in that situation for the past 15 years, I would look to drink to feel comfortable. However, after about an hour — the urge went away. I just had club soda instead and I was actually much more aware of the party, the music, the conversation and had a huge smile on my face while I just danced … which I rarely do. This was a big win and will be something I look to explore further.

On the twilight drive I had a lot of time to think and be aware. I don’t really know what I have been feeling lately. Sometimes it seems things are going awesome and sometimes I have so many fears. I was really nervous about the acid as I’ve about the intensity of LSD from a lot of people. Also, I wasn’t sure what to expect with the environment or the people I was meeting and had no real safety net — but as I started driving an amazing feeling of calm came over me — it was almost like my body knew what was coming and was welcoming the challenge. The feeling of overcoming fear is amazing — first becoming aware of the feeling — the uncomfortable physical sensation and then probing it and moving towards it until you let it go. Still though, I’ve had so much fear come up recently — For example:

• What am I doing in Israel — am I starting to feel really alone?
• Am I doing the right things with my life –
• The fear of failure — am I working hard enough, am I smart enough — I will often read an article about a new Company or Manager and start feeling like I could never accomplish that or I don’t know enough — this self-confidence issue comes and goes
• I feel guilty when I am not doing work. I feel like I need to be doing more when I am relaxing — It’s a constant feeling everyday — no matter what I do, my mind always piles on more tasks. How do you get rid of this type of stress?
• Validation — The fear of not being liked? This is more a need to be liked than a fear, but why is this so important? The need to have people know what you are doing to validate you (think of the reasons you post to social media) — What is the reason that I am pushing myself to do all of these extreme things? Is it to create a certain image I want to be perceived as?
• The fear of aging — Sometimes I look back on my life when I first started living in Toronto and feel such nostalgia and miss it — Going out and knowing people everywhere. A lot of these people weren’t even real friends but it just felt good. It’s been tough to acknowledge this process — those type of activities aren’t where I find gratification anymore but they are still tough to let go.

These are some of the issues that have been on mind over the past few weeks — or things I find myself daydreaming about. I am often deeply aware of when I am stressed or when I feel happy — I am not sure what this was like a few years ago — if I was just constantly asleep or if I am actually not happy right now. Would I be happier if I had more time around my friends? How much solitude is the right amount? Do you need to be alone to grow? Am I growing now? I really wanted to be aware of what I have been thinking before going into the trip and also note the questions I have:

• Is what I am doing worth the risk
• What does it take to be happy
• What can I do to really be myself
• Am I being treated fairly at work
• How can I break down my ego. I find myself again sliding back into a different personality to try and be funny with friends, to tell jokes, exaggerate and say things I don’t really mean. I hate doing this. I find it coincides with drinking. It’s like I am not confident to be myself and who I really am because of fear of judgment.

Anyways, just some random thoughts while I wait. I wanted to paint the picture of my mindset going in. The writing is coming off way more negative than I actually feel right now. This weekend is going to be epic and different and hopefully just what I need…

Part II — The Arrival — 5AM

While waiting at the university, my friend Yoav called and sent the location in Hebrew. I popped it into Waze and started driving into the Carmel Mountain area. It was about a twenty-minute drive into the mountainside. I was listening to some really chill Thievery Corporation and eventually got to a dirt road that passed a strange spa and wound deeper into the mountains. I wasn’t even sure I was going the right way as it was completely dark. At one point I saw two cars parked off a little bit off the path. I stopped the car for a moment confused at what to do. Luckily, my friend called at the same time — it was them — they were waiting for me and ready to go. I quickly met everybody (there were 5 of us in total and a little dog named Nikki). We grabbed all the bags and started to walk into the woods. At this point it was still nightfall and completely black. We had bags filled with all of the materials we would need, which I will get into later, along with some flashlights. The goal was to get to the highest vantage point, somewhere off the walking path where we could watch the sunrise. It took about fifteen minutes to find the spot and it was slow going as it was so dark and the leader was really particular about how important the proper spot was to encourage the right vibe. As we were heading up the hill we saw a whole family of Cows — at least 10. This was a strange enough thing, however would get even better on the LSD. We decided on a spot and put down our things — including a few blankets on the ground and a bunch of pillows. At this point you could see the sky changing colors gradually — before the sun rose, you could see a slight dark blue and red creep over the mountains into the valley illuminating all the fog beneath. It was a very powerful setting. It was also extremely cold — everybody had full jackets, blankets and hats. We all sat together and sort of introduced ourselves (at least I did, as everybody else knew we each other). We talked a bit about acid and what we all thought it would be like — only one person had done it before.

6:15AM

At this point a friend passed around a bag with 5 pieces of sour candy, like those little licorice belts with the sugar on them. I started by eating half — to see what the ramp up would be like. One of the guys also had charcoal tablets, so I took a few of those — they are supposed to prevent stomach ache from the liquid of the acid. We sat for another 20–30 minutes and smoked cigarettes… nervously waiting. I was already feeling a bit tense, and it was magnified by the social anxiety of meeting new people. I started to feel small waves like I had just smoked some really strong weed. These waves were alternating and progressive. I would start feeling a bit strange and then return to feeling normal. It was still early morning and the sun was starting to rise but was still a bit grey and I when I looked in the distance I felt like I could see it raining wherever I looked. I started to get restless and decided to go for a walk with two of the guys. We walked down a steep slope into the valley to watch the sun rise over the mountains. At this point I was starting to have trouble converting my thoughts to words. Everything I said felt strange — as I walked around I was having trouble making sense of “real life” — trying to come to terms with what was happening to my body and mind while at the same time think coherently to make normal conversation — it just felt awkward. Yoav was playing a mouth harp which is the strangest little instrument that makes a “Twanging” sound — adding to the surreality of the environment. The walk lasted for about fifteen minutes. On our way back up, we grabbed the rest of the group and went to the other side of our “campsite” which looked out at the ocean (ie. it was dark when we had got there) so this was the first time we could see the expanse and WOW… All I could think was BLUE BLUE BLUE — every time I would turn around and turn back I would be surprised at how BLUE it was. I did this five or six times with the same response. The five of us stood for about 15 minutes looking at the landscape and giggling. I was really starting to feel the visual effects and didn’t know where to look — everything had sooooo much depth — the sky, the ocean, every blade of grass or tree or piece of dirt. From something as expansive as the sky all the way down to a single hair follicle on your arm — it was almost as if whatever I looked at, no matter the size, it would completely expand. While this was happening, a physical feeling was building in my body that was really intense and made it tough to talk to anybody — or be “normal” (ie. interacting with other members of society.. lol). It felt so weird and my social anxiety really started to magnify — by social anxiety I mean awareness of your own ego or your self-image. I started wondering how each of the people I was with views me, and then thinking about interactions with my friends earlier that day — conversations I had, things I said — everything I did the past few days seemed forced or contrived and I could see deeper reasons behind my actions that seemed even more awkward (ie. a need for attention, wanting to be perceived a certain way), this was an extremely uncomfortable self awareness in full force!

8AM

At this point we all walked back to our little campsite and put on some music… This felt like the first time I have ever heard music. Music was definitely the highlight of the day for me. I can’t stress how incredible it sounded. The first song I really noted was something called Hot Medusa — Monk and it sounded like the entire forest was playing the song. There was a part of the song that screamed happiness and I felt like the trees were smiling with me. At this point the sun had risen a bit more and I noticed so much yellow — it was like the sun was drenching the environment in a nostalgic feeling of the 60’s — I know the 60's is a time frame and not an image, but that’s what it felt like. All my uncomfortable social anxiety was shattered and I started to feel calm and happy. Still though, the physical sensations were increasing so it was hard to interact. After sitting for awhile, I started to feel a bit normal again, and felt self-conscious that I had only taken half and the others had taken the full amount. I pretended to go use the bathroom and took the other half so nobody would notice — so again a bit of social anxiety was back. When I came back my friend Yoav and I went for another walk into the valley and things started to go ballistic….

Part 3 — ACID

During this walk, I was focused on one step at a time. My body felt like a piece of rubber in a hot tub as I melted down the mountain one step at a time. The thought of running felt so outlandish and impossible, like I would only be able to jog in slow motion if my life depended on it. All I could see was yellow flowers and red flowers piercing the countryside. I mean piercing — the colors were sharp — like I could feel them cutting through the environment. I felt like I was in a valley in the musical The Sound of Music from when I saw that movie as a kid. As we walked, we talked a little — my brain was still trying to make sense of all the physical things happening so it was tough to verbalize anything — The only way I can think to explain it is like this — picture trying to speak your mind into a giant funnel = all of the thoughts go in but only a trickle comes out — the whole method of speaking becomes ridiculous because you couldn’t speak fast enough to get your thoughts across and you don’t have the right english words to even explain what you are feeling. In my mind, this walk was a journey — we walked down to a small olive grove. On the way back I again started to think about “real life” or the way I interact with my friends/family/coworkers in real life and immediately pulled my mind back because it felt too weird. I feel like I was viewing my own image of myself, which again is extremely uncomfortable — everybody has a self image and this is what drives your goals, fears, wants, personality, hobbies, etc. — it’s built unconsciously over time from all of your life interactions. Maybe you see yourself as an intellectual, an extremist, a workaholic, defined by your job, a fashionista, attractive, an athlete, a Toronto Raptors Fan, a foodie, defined by your body image (ie. fat, skinny, muscled), cool, persistent, strong, kind, obsessed with the opposite sex, a family man, a parent, a person of faith… likely your image is a mix of the above = basically your self-identity — what you like, what you don’t, what you are afraid of, who you are, what you look like, what you do, how you think others see you. I was seeing the self-image I had created in such great detail through all my past interactions and the whole image seemed so phony = it was really hard to face. I had a thought here about being in love and it was so strange to try and relate to that past experience in this mindstate — the feeling of love towards family/friends and the way I felt about them and how they felt about me and the whole image I had of my relationships in my mind felt foreign, like they weren’t my thoughts — I immediately backed away in my mind. I started to think about being in Israel, my job, being away from friends, and the gravity of the situation took over a bit — It was clear at this point not to get consumed in my own thoughts— I used my meditation training here and took some deep breaths and focused on the moment and was fine. As we walked back to the campsite, I asked Yoav if he thought the high was almost over.. His response, “I think it’s kind’ve just getting started”. It’s a very strange feeling because it comes in waves that gradually intensify — you’ll have a wave, then all of sudden be sort of back in a normal mindstate where you can relate to your ego/self-image and then another wave will start with increasing intensity. This happened to me around 8–10 times.

10AM

After the walk we went back to the campsite and I realized I was hungry. Whoa… what an experience this was. Eating sweets was absolutely epic. The strawberries looked so RED, like they were vibrating with taste. I found my senses would be confused — like I could feel music or taste colors. It was awesome — almost like I had extra senses. Throughout the day I would eat the following:

• Dried Fruit and Nuts (Cashews, almonds, pecans).
• Some type of hard Swiss Orange Chocolate that was a bit crunchy — I kept looking at each bite and it looked like a rock face in which I could see every pore and I was imagining a little rock climber going from pore to pore and thinking how strange it is that this substance is going in my body.
• Fresh Bread and Jam — I would dip the bread in the sweet jam
• Bread Rolls — although these were less epic
• Overall, make sure to have food around and prepared and focus on things that are sweet. You can taste the flavors with a vividness that is amazing

While we were eating, we listened to music and giggled. Everything was funny. It was like the enviroment was conforming to my mood. The music at this stage was unbelievable. Each song seemed to be a multi-phase opera containing 10 songs within it. We listened to classical, old jazz and rock and roll, traditional Israeli stuff, heavy techno, and a bunch of other stuff…. I really need to find the names of some of the songs to listen to them again. The music really shapes to the scenery the plants, animals and clouds become the actors in an amazing play. It’s like the music is created from everything around you… I kept watching the dog Nikki play and it was like she was the lead vocalist during the rock songs or the classical music was following her actions — if the song sped up, so would she, if the song was playful so was she, etc.

10:45AM

At this point the sun was up and it was warm. I took off my jacket and sweater and was comfortable in a T-Shirt. I started to enter a lazy phase.. I just wanted to lay down and it felt perfect. The last 45 minutes seemed like 2 days. The second half of the acid hit I took at 8am was in full swing. I had to find the perfect posture on the ground. At first I tried to lay down with my feet up… then one foot went down, then the other.. and I was completely horizontal looking up at the trees and sky. I could feel my body connecting with the earth — it felt like I was being held up by the earth like it was a tempurpedic mattress — fully connected to it. I could see ants moving up and down the bark of the nearest tree in harmony with the music, I could see the wind blowing the leafs and needles of each tree and it was like I could feel how alive the forest was. This is going to sound super weird but when I closed my eyes there would be tracers of color in a friendly light that made it look like everything was covered in rainbows. That combined with the sunshine and this feeling of a nostalgic 60’s glow created the perfect environment. I would still have thoughts about my own self image and how I related to it and to others, but they started to change — it was like I could see the self image I had created, but I could realize that this image was fully made by me through my thoughts and I could back away from it. I realized everything I thought about work, life, other people = every single opinion, thought, insecurity, need that I have in life is created by my own mind and was just that — a fiction. Everything exploded… I realized that everybody has this image or ego and it’s nothing to be ashamed of — it’s a battle everybody goes through. There is no need to feel nervous or embarrassed about it. It was so inspiring, as you notice your ego and your judgments and leave them behind. They seem so shallow and foolish. Just like your self image, you also have an image of everybody you know made up of hundreds of different points based on your interactions with them, what you hear about them, what you see on social media = are they attractive, funny, cool, fun to hang out with, annoying, sarcastic, mean, grumpy, a nerd, selfish, a bitch, are they your family so you have to love them etc. These constant “images” cloud your ability to feel real love and compassion. As my ego faded so did the images and judgments of others. It no longer “cost” to get my love — I didn’t need to think you were a good person, successful, attractive, kind, family, a stranger, etc.= those concepts seemed “low-level” and unimportant. What a feeling — to not have a “cost” for love. To feel that way towards everybody and everything. Wow. Seeing how fragmented your entire view of the world is allowed me to go beyond all of those thoughts into a state of pure being. This mental solace or peace of mind I was feeling combined with the amazing environment I was witnessing started bringing about a crazy state. I was thinking about how amazing this is and wanting to share it with everybody I know — my family, my friends, strangers — I was legitametly thinking I wanted to go home and have a “family” acid trip. I felt like this might be the closest I’ve ever been to real happiness with no caveats or diversions. I was thinking about how powerful LSD is and what people must’ve experienced in the old rock and roll songs and culture you hear about — the Beatles, Steve Jobs, music festivals and other things you associate with acid — HOW RIGHT THEY WERE.

12:00PM

After this amazing “Happiness Trip”, the wave ended and I thought things were plateauing. I got up and started stretching and walking around a bit. Some clouds had formed for the first time and they looked like living wisps of smoke across the sky. My stomach had been agitated most of the day and it was finally time to take a shit. This was a weird experience, because it’s completely outdoors and you are in a group and everybody can tell you are leaving — now this isn’t a big deal at all, but there is a social stigma around taking a shit so it just sits a little strange in your mind, especially since you are doing this in broad daylight in a squat position. This was a super strange feeling, but I felt more connected to the earth. Like I was living in prehistoric times when people lived off the land. As I walked back, I felt the need to lay down again. While most of this was happening, my friends were speaking in Hebrew. This afforded me a really nice opportunity because I didn’t feel like I was required to speak. I could be with my own thoughts, feelings and experience and amplify it again without worrying about “real life” interaction. As I laid down the second time, I started to ponder the feeling of love. Really thinking deeply about past relationship in the early stages when they feel “perfect” — during the infatuation stage, when that feeling is the strongest and how powerful it is. That led me to feeling more love for my family and friends. Imagining them all happy and smiling. This was a “Eureka” moment because I realized then, that there doesn’t need to be an “object” for your affection — you can really just give love to anybody/anything all the time without worry about it being returned. While giving love to family, friends and a significant other is amazing and is most common in our lives= you can actually have this love for everything and everyone. There really is nothing holding it back and I was realizing this and feeling it explode. This was mind-blowing at the time. Most people direct their feelings to a single significant other or are lonely because they don’t have this person to direct these feelings too = The LSD unshackled my mind and gave me the ability to have these feelings for the entire world. — the deep pondering of the feelings of past love and what it felt like physically combined with the amazing physical connection to the environment, the breaking of the ego, the dissolving of self-consciousness or need for love back, and the lack of fear for anything happening in daily life led to this state of being I have never felt before that was so powerful and amazing = I felt like my whole body and everything in the world was perfect. I closed my eyes and gave myself a hug and felt truly content.

1:00PM-2:00PM ISH..

I came down from my “Wave of Love” and spent some time joking with the group, eating, smoking a thousand cigarettes and just enjoying the acid-glow. I went for a few mini-walks admiring the colors and then back to my spot to lay down again. At this point I really thought things were going back to normal, but I knew better than discount the possibility of another wave. That’s how the whole drug works — small wave, back to normal, medium wave, normal, stronger wave, normal, crazy wave, normal.. The waves get longer and more intense. Normal isn’t fully normal — you just have a moment where you kind’ve come back to reality and know who you are and how you integrate into real life. I really think it’s coming back to your ego or self image after you’ve blown it away for a bit. That’s also how you reintegrate to “real life” when the high ends. The period’s of normal become longer and more “normal” until you are “yourself” and again identify with your ego/self-image (ie. you can’t see it from outside itself = as separate than your actual being). It’s funny because you spend a bit of the time fighting the high at first — there is nervousness, you don’t want to look at your ego, you can’t explain what is happening, you don’t want it to overpower you… and then when the high starts to fade, you are sad that there was even a second where you didn’t fully embrace the lucky opportunity you had. Luckily, there was still another wave left. This one started out in a funky manner. I was still on this happiness and love tip and it started taking a turn into a more sexual nature. I could feel pure passion. Imagine the word passion in its purest form — like with the intensity of something from some old romance story or in the most infatuated state you can think of — I could feel myself kissing somebody with this passion — it was just an image of a woman and then girls I knew, past girlfriends, then random images and finally just the whole environment. Like I could embrace the entire world the same way I would a woman. It’s hard to explain in words — Like kissing the whole physical world with my entire body, while at the same time my mind was in a passionate embrace with a stunning visual pattern of colors — I could see and feel sex — thousands of sexual images and sensations at the same time. Like I was fucking the world and the entire forest in the physical realm while also seeing and feeling a completely different set of imagery in my mind. Imagine being able to see everything around you in the most vivid colors along with its real essence and at the same time being able to see all your thoughts and feelings in vivid colors = both these things are happening at the same time and are related. Sounds fucking amazing right! This Wave, the Love Wave and the Happiness Wave were three of the most epic things I ‘ve experienced in my whole life. I really really wish I could explain this better. The situation was both immense and insane, but its impossible to describe. There is a Vipassana fable that resonated with me here about a young boy trying to explain the concept of a “duck” to another blind boy. The blind boy asks him to describe it and he says “it is white”. The blind boy says, “what is this white?”, he touches the duck and feels how soft its feathers are, and says “ah — white means soft”. When talking about the senses, it’s almost impossible to explain one through the use of the others. That’s what I feel like talking about the LSD because it seems to amplify the senses, combine them and create something new. How do you explain that? What’s really sad is that in a more sober state, it’s hard to imagine what the feeling was like because I no longer possess those same senses — it was like the acid for a short period of time give the gift of additional senses that you can use as tools to go deep into your unconscious mind to break your ego and dance with pure being.

2PM — 4PM — Reintegration

The “normal” phases started getting longer and more normal than the waves. I could feel my ego reintegrating. I could start to think about what it would be like to speak with my friends. And about my self image. However, I felt like I had learned some serious lessons. Now that I was a bit more normalized, I started thinking about my job and what I had come to Israel to do. I thought about how amazing the product I am working on might be and what it could do for the world (I won’t get into that here — but we are working on a new technology that could have an environmental and social impact on the way people consume power) and I started to give myself more credit — I realized the project would’ve failed if I had given up and raising the last tranche of funds over the past year to get to where we are was purely based on my determination and willingness to come to Israel and be more involved in the project. This felt immensely satisfying, as I don’t think I really rationalized the fact that the project would have failed if I had not pursued it. I often get “imposter” syndrome which is a common thing where you don’t feel qualified, feel like you don’t know what to do, or feel like you are a “fake” in your role. I think I was struggling with this coming into the trip — and I learned that a) I have already added value to the project and b) nobody knows exactly what to do at a startup, especially for a new technology — it is the process of being persistent, committed and continuing to learn every day that brings success and I know how to do those things. This thought was extremely liberating. I really felt confident that I can do this! I can be a leader — it abolished the “I Can’t” attitude. Hopefully this feeling sticks. I also felt like this project was something I could dedicate my life to and the knowledge that I have found a goal that combines both career and work was exactly what I was looking for. Re-reading this journal, I think I found an answer to my question — am I doing the right thing! Even if the project fails, going out of my comfort zone to try and do something that can be both a life and career goal feels like the right thing for me at this stage. This was the exact feeling I was thinking about during my ride up — facing my fears, becoming aware, feeling them and then beating them. What a way to end the trip!!

4PM +

For the most part the waves are over. I am just experiencing a cool afterglow. Nature is still magic and the visuals are nice. The group packs up all our stuff and heads in separate directions. My friend Yoav invites me to his family house for dinner. It was so amazing to have a shower after rolling around on the ground all day… Your body just feels dirty — like I had lived in the woods for days. At dinner I spent an hour speaking with Yoav’s parents about his father’s time in the army, his service as an engineer on a ship and his artwork. I find I usually discount my experiences with older people — especially my parents and grandparents and don’t take as much time as I should to really connect and learn what their lives were like. Being in a mind-state where I was so inquisitive and curious felt amazing and I hope I can also bring this into my daily life — people love to talk about their lives and feel like they can provide useful advice and support — really deeply listening is a skill that I want to work on and obtain. I think this can really improve all of your relationships. After dinner, I went to bed (at 7pm ish..). I didn’t sleep the prior evening because I had to start my drive at 2AM, so my last sleep was Friday morning at 11AM (so I’d been up for 32 hours..lol). I put my headphones on and listened to a bunch of new artists I’d heard that day:

• Youth Lagoon, Tame Impala, MemoryHouse, MillionYoung, Nova Lima

Next Morning:

I woke up after a 12 hour sleep feeling a little groggy but good. I immediately went to my computer to start writing this stuff down. I am starting to get so excited about documenting my experiences. I love to go back and review my thought processes. Writing all this down was amazing. I still feel great and feel like I’ve learned a few things:

• No matter what happens in life, it’s never really that important — so take daily stresses with a grain of salt
• Be confident in yourself — nobody really knows what they are doing and you can learn what you need to know as you move forward
• You don’t need an object to love — the ability to feel that way is always inside you

Now, I am going to spend the day at the beach and then head to a traditional Sweat Lodge tonight with Yoav and a girlfriend named Noa from Tel Aviv. I don’t really know what this will be about, but I know the following: We are going to a “teepee” like structure on the beach, where they have really hot steam going for a three hour period. The heat is supposed to allow your body and mind to untether to be completely in the moment. The three hours consist of sitting, singing and chanting. The woman that runs the sweat lodge (Tali) is throwing a special one tonight in a larger tent because it’s her 41st birthday, so I am lucky enough to experience this!

The Sweat Lodge

Spent the day at a beautiful beach in Atlit with my buddy Yoav and Noa. Enjoyed a lot of great conversation and then headed to Haiffa to watch the sunset and eat dinner. It was a perfect sunset. From there, we went to the Sweat Lodge!!

The lodge is built in the back of Tali’s house. It consisted of two tents (one large and one small), a roaring fire and a number of Indian designs. We parked our cars and walked to the back of the house. The path was illuminated with lanterns and had a very “Cottage” vibe. When we arrived we sat for a bit and watched the fire waiting for the ceremony to start. Tali explained a bit about the ceremony, but it was tough because most of it was in Hebrew and Noa had to translate for me. I felt this took away from the experience as a whole and made it much more difficult when we actually went inside. Basically, she explained that the rocks in the fire were special rocks, each hand picked in the Golan Heights (a northern area in Israel). The entire practice is a spiritual journey of rebirth/recreation based on the four elements — Water, Air, Wind and Earth. The belief is that there is a specific magic/spirit inside each of the rocks, and the sweat lodge is a ceremony where you can ask the Gods of nature to grant you what you need — healing, success, etc. So you need to go into the sweat lodge with an intention. The idea is to overcome the intensity of the experience, to go beyond the pain to be granted your goals. With each inhale, you are to imagine the essence of the rocks going into your body, and on the exhale, the power being released.

I was nervous at this point. The tent looked crazy and some of the guests were explaining how hot it gets and what to do if you feel nauseous or can’t handle the heat. I really looked at it as a chance to test my mental willpower more than a spiritual journey. Despite the fear, I made a mental commitment to stay in the tent the whole time. The ceremony consists of four rounds — representing the 4 elements. During each round, the hot stones are slowly brought into the tent with a shovel, one at a time. When each stone is placed, everybody in the tent yells — Ahoa Matayasee (ie. spelling is definitely questionable) which means welcome grandmother, as a reference to the spirit in the rock. When the stone is placed, two types of “medicine” are put on the stone. One looks like a block of hashish and the other like sprinkles of pine. You can hear the herbs sizzle on the rock and it unleashes a very fresh smell into the tent which I actually loved. This whole process takes about 15 minutes and the tent gets progressively hotter. Once all the stones are in the tent (I would guess 10–15 per round), the door is closed and the round begins. When the door is closed, it sends the tent into complete darkness. To begin the ceremony another 10 minutes is spent pouring water on the stones — you can hear a loud “hhhhiiiissssss” everytime water hits the stones, very similar to in a sauna, and within 5–10 seconds can feel a blast of heat. After tent minutes the tent is filled with hot steam, darkness and a wonderful herbal smell and the ritual chanting starts. Tali leads the group in two songs per round based on Native Indian chants — Imagine “Om ay o way o aye o way ow…”. Very tribal. Everybody is encouraged to join in. Instruments are also handed out during the start of the ritual — predominatnly different types of shakers. You can hum, sing, scream, yell, make noise.. I believe the idea is to dissociate from your consciousness and leave any problems behind in the heat, darkness and vibration from the sound.

Round 1 — Intrigue

We all crawled into the tent — It was like entering a strange new world. Sort of like being in a womb. It was a very intimate setting and very close quarters as around 12 people squished inside. You were basically cramped in knee to knee with the people on either side. It was also initially pretty cold sitting on the sand prior to any rocks being put into the tent. I had a really tough spot, which I didn’t know at the time — the farthest from the little doorway, meaning the hottest spot. I sat quietly and looked out at the fire which I could see through the small door. As the first rocks were brought in, I started to relax. I was sitting straight-backed and the heat was very manageable. I felt very strong-willed. I can do this… The first set of rocks was no problem. I was enjoying the smell and the steam was minimal. The door closed and the chanting began. Yoav had told me earlier in the day that you really get the most benefit if you completely let go and sing as loud as you can — I had resolved to do this and not to be embarrassed or self- conscious. This was much harder than I imagined. Immediately, I found it hard to follow the Indian words. I was also sitting beside my friend Noa who had joined from Tel Aviv (it was also her first time) and I was wondering if I would sound foolish. The best I could do during the first round was a bit of humming. While this was happening I made it a goal to let go of the feeling of embarrassment during the ceremony. After 10 minutes or so, sitting on the sand became somewhat uncomfortable and a bit itchy.. Especially as I realized I was starting to sweat. I didn’t feel the sweat initially — it’s very similar to a steam room and I was surprised that within a few minutes I was drenched. I tried as best as I could to keep my hands out of the sand — It felt really sticky and I didn’t want to get it all over my body. I really actually hate the gritty feeling of sand and was a bit agitated. Soon though, sweat started dripping into my eyes causing a burning sensation — however, I had nothing to wipe my eyes with and my hands were covered in sand — the first of many tortures! After about 20 minutes the first round ended. It wasn’t too bad.. I thought I could get through 3 more rounds without having to leave the tent. When the round ends, the door is opened, the steam is let out and a jug of water is passed around. We were warned to drink slow and not drink too much — although it was never explained to me why..

Round 2 — Acclimation

After about 5 minutes, the process is repeated as a new set of rocks are slowly brought from the fire into the tent. Now that I knew what was happening, I started trying to go a bit deeper mentally. I tried to contemplate what I wanted to ask for… At first, I was thinking about work and hoping for the project I am working on to be successful, specifically our for our next round of prototypes to perform to the specifications I am expecting in early March. After thinking about this for a bit though, I contemplated why this was important — for financial freedom, success, recognition? I realized I didn’t actually want work success, but the feelings success brings. As I thought more about it, what I really wanted was to feel good, but what does that even mean? I thought about this and what the opposite was — what it meant to feel bad. To me, this is the feeling of fear. Fear which causes unnecessary stress. This could be fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear you aren’t good enough, fear of poverty or not having enough, fear you won’t be loved, fear you are not a good person — these fears are mental constructs that cause the stress in life. I realized that what I really wanted was to conquer my fears. To do this, I started thinking about strength. Strength to identify fears and face them head on. Strength to persevere no matter what happens. Now we were talking — this was a worthy goal for the sweat lodge and I was happy how it came about. It was also very symbolic because I would need strength and perseverance to conquer the temporary fear of the darkness, the heat, the claustrophobic feelings. Once I had this breakthrough, I started focusing on my breath and some meditation techniques. Scanning my body, feeling the uncomfortable sensations of heat and letting them go. I was ecstatic — feeling the strength on each inhale and the fear leaving my body on each exhale. I really tried to imagine strength coming directly from the hot rocks into my body. While this was happening, the chanting started.. This time I started to get into it. The sounds were much simpler than the first round and easier to copy — this time Tali would sing a line and then everybody would copy. I still wasn’t going full-on, but I felt much more comfortable, really trying to vibrate the sounds through my body. Soon enough the round was over. I could definitely do two more rounds..

Round 3 — Breakthrough

It started to occur to me that each round got a bit hotter as more and more rocks were brought in. This round, I still focused on my breathing, and the mantra of strength and fear and when the singing started I really got into it bellowing the sounds as loud as I could — OM WA OM WA .. I was even doing full wolf howls and funny sounds. It was very liberating not to care about what other people thought and to just let loose in the full darkness. While chanting, you feel a certain power build up — the vibrations in your body carry your mind away and give you strength to deal with the heat. It makes the time go by much faster and helps you disassociate with your thoughts. I think this is the only way that people can spend a few hours in a fucking steam room. While the chanting was awesome, the heat really started getting to me. In between each song, there is a small break where they add additional heat to the rocks. During this period, your mind starts racing — thinking about the heat and discomfort. It was taking all my control to try and maintain my mini-meditation and let go of the intense heat, but I was starting to break down. Up to this point I had been sitting up the whole time, but I was starting to struggle. I had made it a goal to sit up as long as possible and went through 4 separate stages where I thought I would break, and finally I allowed myself to sit back on my shoulders.. This definitely helped, but I could still feel the heat on my face and was counting the seconds and starting to squirm. I reached deep into my meditation practice and kept trying to focus on each breath, dive into the discomfort and let it go. However, it was hard to really focus on anything because of the intense heat and you start to feel a bit looped. I was beginning to question my ability to make it through the entire process and reminding myself I was almost there. Thankfully, the round ended.

Round 4 — Hell

During the cooling period when the new rocks are brought in, you sober up quickly. It’s easy during this time to recommit to finishing and thinking — “Okay, I can do this”. As the process started, it seemed the rocks were getting bigger and bigger. The heat started to get uncomfortable almost right away. This time I immediately laid down fully. It was a far cry from the start of the session when I didn’t want to touch the sand with my body. I didn’t give a shit anymore. The sand was cold and I rubbed it all over my sweaty body to try and cool down. Also, it was getting tough to breath.. I would have short inhales and sharp exhales to try and control my breath. I have never felt such a claustrophobic feeling. There is no way to escape the heat. At first you lay down and your face is right near the edge of the tent, so you can breath a bit, but then the heat starts catching up to your face — and you literally try and push yourself into the ground as much as possible to escape. I felt like I was in a fire and the only way out was down. At this point, the challenge was too much. It was no longer bearable — I couldn’t meditate, I wasn’t really chanting — like a couple half-assed mumbles — and was fully horizontal. I wanted to get the fuck out. About three quarters through the round, the chanting ended and everybody around the tent said something. It was all in Hebrew, so I didn’t even know I was supposed to speak until my friend nudged me “say something”. I said I came here to conquer fears, to dig into pain and let it go and to build strength. I think maybe I should have said thank you to the host and the others, but that’s what I came up with on the spot. At this point, the Hebrew was starting to take away from the experience — I couldn’t understand if Tali was guiding everybody and I was missing out on what I was supposed to be thinking about… When the round ended I was ecstatic… Until I learned there was going to be one more round — a 5th round to celebrate her birthday. It was a round of unlimited joy and happiness. I had committed to testing myself and how can you say no to the round of unlimited joy? Big fucking mistake…

Round 5 — Rage

I thought maybe because it was the round of “Joy” it would’ve been happier or less hot… But this was by far the toughest round. There were 3 songs instead of two and longer break in between the songs as more water was added to the rocks. Every time I heard the sizzle of the water being added it reminded me of being lashed — but in a delayed manner because the heat would hit you a few seconds later, so you had just enough time to realize it something unpleasant was going to happen. I felt like a worm trying to dig my body into the ground. I literally had my face fully in the sand trying to get to cold air — Imagine how disgusting that feeling is and how hot it would have to be for you to put your face and mouth in the sand… that is how hot it was. At the same time, I was trying to dig my fingers out of the bottom of the tent to touch fresh air or to make an air pocket to breath out of. Doing this, I felt like I was breathing out of my finger tips, but it wasn’t much relief. While this was happening, rage started building inside me. I wanted it to end so badly — I was furious with the world. Even though it was Tali’s birthday and it was a celebration of joy, I honestly wanted to kill somebody. Anger was exploding inside of me. I am ashamed to even say this, but I was so angry, all I could think of when she was talking, was to “shut the fuck” up, “I fucking hate this place”. That is some serious rage without much reason but I think it’s probably part of the experience and a good way to process your anger. At this stage it was impossible for me to focus, meditate, chant, etc. except for a few small mental reminders here and there to let go. Even though the time here where you actually let go of the discomfort/pain is small — its so valuable. You are training your mind under the most stressful of conditions to break your aversions to the physical world. This is so beneficial! It really helps to build your willpower and to do the unpleasant in tough situations in order to accomplish what you want. Finally it was over… I had to get out of the tent but I could barely move. Not only was this my first time — it was my first time, in one of the worst spots in a full tent during a special birthday ceremony. The ceremony is usually three hours — this one ended at 2:15am — a solid 4:15 minutes. Like, are you kidding me?? All I could think was how much I hated this. I hated the heat, I felt so dirty — sand was all over my body.. every inch. In my mouth, in my beard, in my hair. I felt sick and dehydrated. As I crawled out of the tent, I felt like a skeleton — with nothing left inside my body, slowly moving to freedom. I think the feeling of emergence was a bit anti-climactic because I put myself through too much time in the tent.. At least more than what I was physically prepared for at the time. It was a strange feeling though — emerging into a winter night wearing only a bathing suit. I wasn’t warm, but I wasn’t cold either. It was a strange feeling.

Overall, I hated the experience during it. It was interesting, then liberating, then extremely uncomfortable, then torture and finally enraging. However, after writing all this down I am extremely proud I made it through and pushed the limits of what my mind and body wanted to do. I don’t know if it’s something I would do again — but I am happy to have tried and feel like I learned something.