An Alarming Number Of People Have No Clue How To Eat Donuts
March 7, 2016
A cheeky Medium story is published. It asks a simple question: is it spelled donuts or doughnuts?
Laughs were had. Those were simpler days, before the global donut crisis revealed itself. I wish we could go back. I fear we never will.
April 12, 2016
Another ranty little grammar story goes live. Whoever writes these things really needs to calm down, maybe take a yoga class. He’s quite cranky, albeit good looking.
The list of 64 things was a facetious batch of word vomit intended to elicit a few giggles and a lot of introspection that maybe, just maybe, double spacing after a period is why we can’t have nice things.
Suddenly, an unintended consequence! I direct your attention to #30 out of the 64 items in the double space story.
30. People who double space probably cut a quarter out of four donuts because they “just want a sampler”
A riot ensued.
April 13, 2016
Readers, whom I’ll keep anonymous and simply refer to as “colleagues”, quickly bombarded the poor author with flame-fingered keystrokes. “YOU WILL NEVER STOP ME FROM USING WEAPONS TO MASSACRE MY PERFECT DONUTS,” they shouted as one.
After some soul searching, I’ve realized I cannot stand silent and let this sick practice continue. Harm may come to me. I do not care. This ends now.
April 14, 2016
Welcome to Donut Intervention Day (DID). Have a seat. Instead of going around the room, I will give the floor to you. Please list all the reasons you prefer the donut sampler. I will then provide a counter argument.
1
“I get to try more donuts that way.”
Oh, I’m sorry. I must have stumbled into your favorite small plate/brewery mashup. Again, my apologies. Enjoy your meal.
Wait. This is NOT a small plate experience? It’s actually a box of donuts? A dozen assorted snowflakes, made as their creator intended, that you happily disfigure to suit your own desires? Okay, got it.
2
“One donut is too much. I just want a sliver.”
Allow me to introduce you to donut holes. They are donut slivers rolled into adorable balls of pure joy.
3
“I like cutting things with knives.”
4
“What’s the big deal? I didn’t bite into it. The rest of the donut is there for the taking.”
When the rest of us see a donut that’s been cut, we know it has been claimed by another. We then leave the disfigured donut in the box, opting for a complete one instead. The donut you chose to mangle slowly bleeds out until it expires, unnoticed and unloved.
But no, you’re right. Probably not a big deal.
5
“My family is comprised of generations of donut slicers. It’s what I was taught.”
You were also taught to double space. Yet here you are.
6
“I actually still double space and I will never switch.”
Well, I now see that nothing I say can sway you.
I can only hope something I’ve said today will stick with you like a sugary glaze—and slowly change your mind over time like only truth can. Donuts are beautiful, and they deserve our respect for the sustenance and pleasure they give us.
April 14, 2017
The 2nd Annual Donut Intervention Day. Will the storm clouds dissipate? I remain hopeful that they will.
#donutintervention
