How Insecurity and Jealousy Made Me Become Who I Am Right Now

I’ve been developing bad habits for quite a while.

I watched cornography. I spend my school time playing games, one of which is Dota 2. I even don’t play rank and just play custom games or normal matches, which makes me not improve in the skill of playing Dota 2.

Then I just continue doing other bad habits like scrolling and binge-watching random YouTube videos.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Planning but no action

I made plans for every future goal I wanted to achieve.

I have a lot of plans. I plan my schedule and my activities every day. I remember that my plan was to start working out for 60 minutes in my room every afternoon after coming home from school.

I keep on planning but never really taking any action on it. Then I will continue those until college.

I realize that I’ve been doing something wrong, and these bad habits really make me useless and insecure.

I did watch some self-improvement videos on the internet. I watch Hamza, Iman Gadzhi, Ali Abdaal, the Chris Williamson Podcast, Jordan B. Peterson, etc. I watched them for hours and only found some motivation to plan perfect strategies but failed to take any action on them.

There are days that I take action, but a day after that, I procrastinate and don’t do it again.

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

Inconsistency

I wasn’t consistent with what I planned.

Even so, I keep on trying to tackle my goals one by one and start to do my morning routines every day.

Still, I don’t see any improvement at all. I’m still not being consistent and am starting to blame myself for not improving.

I then start to evaluate what’s wrong and what’s right.

I tried different methods of achieving my plans. SMART goal setting and other methods didn’t help me because no matter how perfectly I strategize, at the end it comes right back to action.

I’m the guy who didn’t take any action that time.

The importance of start small

Then I found a pretty useful self-improvement tip, which is to start small, in the book Atomic Habits by James Clear.

I started to implement that, and I failed many times. I didn’t get a perfect start for the habits I planned on developing. I still get stuck being a procrastinator.

I tried to break it into much smaller pieces, trying to maintain consistency and discipline.

Then I gradually become more disciplined because I feel an achievement from habits that I successfully maintain.

I did some running every morning.

I studied every night and read the Bible every afternoon.

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Jealousy becomes ambition

But that doesn’t last long.

Then I saw someone who was better than me and more “cool” than me. He can lead people, work for many organizations, be the smartest guy in the class, and do other positive things.

I became jealous of that. I’m insecure when someone compares me to that guy. So, I use that jealousy fuel or insecurity to tackle that fear.

I know that I can become that guy someday, but not today.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Small approach

So, I take a small approach to how I can improve myself.

I tried to stick to a routine. My morning routine is prayers, exercise, a cold shower, meditation, and journaling. Even so, I can’t manage to be consistent about it, but this time I did 80% of it successfully.

The failure that I had before just helps me increase my percentage of being likely to succeed.

The more I fail, the more my percentage increases from 0 to 100%, making me more likely to succeed in building habits.

I succeeded in becoming the leader of two organizations, doing a lot of events and successfully delivering them, becoming the best student in my class major, and having many friends, even lecturers.

Photo by Anastase Maragos on Unsplash

Key takeaway

The key takeaway is that you are capable of doing what you want.

You just need to believe in it and love the sacrifice or the process of achieving it. Whatever we choose, there will be sacrifice, and make sure you choose what you want to sacrifice.

Then, use failure to improve yourself again and again until you increase the percentage of success to 100%.

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