How to Live with Other Humans

and not have it look like a frat house

My name is Kyle. I'm 28 and I live with two roommates.

For almost a decade I've been living with various combinations from the same circle of friends in over six different locations. I can still say friends because while roommate relationships can be complicated, they don't need to end on bad terms. I'll leave it to my past roommates to correct me on that last point should they choose to read this.

Now that I've established my extensive experience and no one is in a position to disagree with me I’ll continue.

It should be no surprise that a significant portion of 20-somethings in Canada are not in a financial position to live on their own. Whether it be from school loans, shopping channel addictions, government bailouts or good old gambling debts it just may not be an option in your near future to listen to porn on full volume. To those that can afford such luxuries, I give you permission to stop reading now and go feed one of your many cats. To everyone else, read on for my list of guidelines based solely on my experience and utter lack of cats.

Disclaimer: The following is a set of personal guidelines only. I’m not a school counselor, financial planner, university professor or rocket surgeon. I write code for a living and I’m not half bad at assembling IKEA furniture.

Compromise

I originally had this at the end of the list but if I'm ordering things based on importance this needs to be at the top. Unless you are living with your significant other or you just need someone around to kill spiders, you are probably living with other humans in order to save some money.

In your mind, imagine how you would live if you had a place to yourself. One set of dishes that you use for every meal. Music on as loud as you want any time of day (neighbours permitting). Satanic rituals. Gratuitous nudity.

Now change gears. Imagine if 3 to 5 people were crammed into the same space and all lived as if there was no one else around. It would be a zoo, and it’s why landlords will often attempt to avoid younger tenants or students all together. This may not strictly be legal, but I'm not a lawyer either.

This is why the first rule is compromise. You will have to change your lifestyle to suit others, and you will hate every minute of it. Just try to remind yourself that your roommates have to do the same and you aren't the only one being inconvenienced. Don’t be the dick roommate.

Noise

As I mentioned above, noise is a common issue when living with other people and it can go both ways. While you may not like to hear loud music while you are trying to sleep, maybe you shouldn't be sleeping at 2 in the afternoon? Obviously there are differences for every household like working schedules, neighbours and bylaw restrictions, but what I'm getting at is these things should be discussed ahead of time so everyone is happy with the quiet hours.

For example, if everyone in the house works business hours no one should be unreasonably loud after 10 pm. What if you're a night owl but your roommates have to be at work by 8 am? Tough, buy a pair of good headphones you cheapskate. This goes for loud guests, moving furniture and sheep herding as well. I tend to stomp around the house but if I get home and all the lights are off you had better believe I am walking on my toes up to my room.

Parties

Most people that are lucky enough to have friends like a good party. At least that’s what I've been told. The trouble with parties is they are noisy, messy and blurry if you are doing it right. Now while I could probably come up with an excuse for a big party on 364 of the 365 days of the year, I won't because it’s a lot of work and people would probably stop showing up after the first week.

When these things do happen, the first people to hear about it if they weren't already part of the planning are my roommates. If I want to have a party, they need to be on board or out of town otherwise it just doesn't work.

Consider these scenarios:

1. If your roommates are enjoying the party, they likely won't be complaining about the noise or the mess.
2. When guests get drunk, roommates can help you hold them down and take their car keys.
3. When the cops show up, the most sober roommate can go talk to them.
4. When the most sober roommate is subsequently tazed, the others can collect bail money.
5. In the morning, all the roommates have a responsibility to help clean up. That brings me to my next point.

Cleaning

No one likes cleaning. I don't care if you clean houses for a living or you're a Roomba®, you're not actually enjoying scrubbing that bathroom floor. I'll use this section to bring up my somewhat costly but completely worthwhile lifeline.

Hire a cleaning service.

I know, you think you can’t afford it and maybe that’s true. But one of the biggest stresses I've found when living with other humans is the delegation of chores. This isn't an excuse to be a slob or not pick up after yourself. I'm not suggesting you get a nanny to clean your room and do your laundry. Just have a cleaning service come twice a month to do those common area jobs no one wants to think about.

Some people prefer a chore schedule between roommates. Others will do all the work themselves then leave passive-aggressive notes around the house. Personally, I let strangers in my house once every two weeks and leave cash on the counter. It’s been years since I've had to think about cleaning a toilet or scrubbing the stove and that includes doing it myself or fighting with my roommates to do it.

Again, this isn't the cheapest option but if you can split the cost then I would highly recommend it as the best way to remove a major source of stress between roommates.

Don't be a slob.

A cleaning service won’t do everything for you unless you sell your car to cover the cost. In order to fool other people into thinking you are some kind of adult you still should be able to take care of yourself. The following suggestions can go without saying but I'm not sure I should set the bar that high.

1. Keep common areas tidy of your crap. If you want to be messy that’s fine but keep it contained in your room.
2. Wash your own dishes within 24 hours of dirtying them. I like to wash mine right after using them but we can't all be me so 24 hours it is.
3. Take out garbage. This is a shared task but if you are the one to notice garbage overflowing, just deal with it. Waiting for the next person to handle it will never work because they will do the same thing. Your system is flawed.
4. Return empties. It’s simple, whoever goes through the trouble of returning the empties gets to keep the cash. This will also keep guests and neighbours from questioning your drinking habits.

Vagrants

Couch crashers are a thing. Roommates will move their girlfriends in and hope that no one notices. Sometimes after a party some guy just doesn't leave.

The best way I've found to avoid living with more people than you initially signed up for is agreeing on an overnight guest limit. It may sound strict and it is but if everyone abides by it you can keep your pad from turning into a halfway house.

For example, in my house everyone has agreed to limit overnight guests to 3 nights a week. That includes girlfriends, squatters and that guy you met at the bus station selling really dope weed. You agreed to live with two other people and as soon as that increases to 3 or 4 things can get crowded. Maybe she'll offer to do her share around the house, or maybe he just needs to stay until his employment cheque comes in, but these are exceptions that cannot be made.

If you want to live with your girlfriend, find a place together or alternate which place you stay at. If you really want to help your buddy out, loan him your suit and help him get a job. Adding humans to an existing living arrangement almost never goes smoothly.

Space

As far as I'm concerned, your room is your space. That doesn't mean it can smell like garbage, because that smell leaves your space. That doesn't mean you can keep the entire kitchen’s worth of dishes under your bed, because those come from a common area. However, you can decorate it however you'd like, put mirrors on the ceiling and worship whatever god you see fit behind closed doors.

As for the common areas, they are called that for a reason. Other people use this space and you have to treat it appropriately. Keep it clean, don't use it to store your crap, and don't bogart the big TV. If you think that Statue of David would look really good in the kitchen, discuss it with your roommates first. Maybe it would clash with the Metallica posters. Don't add/remove or modify furniture without running it past someone you live with.

Here are some ideas to make the most of your common areas:

1. Wall art and posters. Keep it tasteful and use a frame or mount of some kind. Pinup girls with thumbtacks in the corners are for your college dorm room, not your shared living space.
2. Open spaces. The more people you live with the more crowded it can feel. Furnish it appropriately and enjoy the comfort of having room to walk around and counter space to share the kitchen.
3. Personal items. If you agree that your couch would look awesome in the backyard, accept that you won't be the only one sitting on it. Common areas are for shared items and if you'd like to keep your stuff to yourself then you should rent a storage locker.

Food

I don't have a lot of suggestions here but I think it still needs to be addressed. In my current living situation, we designate certain food items like condiments as “shared” and try to alternate who buys what and when. We also have our own food cupboards but when something is left on the small corner table it is assumed to be up for grabs.

Unfortunately, we only have one food fridge and one beer fridge but we do our best to remember who owns what without the need for labels. If I see something is approaching expiry I may ask who owns it to see if I can put it in my food-hole without repercussion. It works for us and as long as you and your roommates are on speaking terms I don't see why this wouldn't work for everyone.

In the end, my living arrangement isn't perfect but I'm comfortable and I haven't smothered anyone with a pillow yet. It’s never going to be a walk in the park but as long as I don't want to pay my mortgage on my own or start collecting cats I’ll learn to get by.

I'd love to hear your suggestions, or why I'm an idiot for voicing my opinions on the Internet. Hit me up on Twitter or leave a comment.