3 ways to stop complaining and create a positive, healthy environment around yourself
Complaining is an expression of dissatisfaction or annoyance about something. The most similar world to complaining is protesting, a similar expression of disapproval or an objection to something.
Recent research revealed that British people complain three times a day on average! The most popular complaints were: horrible traffic during their commute, pedestrians who stare at their phones while they are walking, bad customer experience, the weather being lousy, and so on.
Complaining repeatedly pops up as we compare, gossip, criticize and judge others or ourselves. It is deeply rooted in our self-esteem and self-importance.
Complaining always drags you into the past, and since 95% of our thoughts are repetitive, the longer you iterate an event you complain about, the stronger the accumulation of negativity is.
This eventually leads to depression and bad mental health. We can’t really change the past, however, it is of utmost importance to take any action in the future, yet did you notice when you are complaining or somebody else is complaining, how often is it that we are taking actions to solve the problem?
Complaining is about our inner resistance. There are events that do happen we can’t do anything about. Yes, the weather is not good, and it is cold, but it is always cold in winter, every year. Why don’t we get over it and accept we can’t do anything about it?
Complaining pops up as we compare ourselves to others. We see others can do more, or have more, or achieve more. Somebody has a boyfriend, or a marriage while you don’t, somebody earns more, and you less. Yes, but why to compare yourself against others, why do you set unfair benchmarks, you never know all the ingredients went there.
Complainers tend to be of two flavors:
- Somebody who’s got an exaggerated opinion or superiority complex, who sets unrealistic standards against others. You say, I have to be right, and if I feel right, then somebody else must be wrong, being right myself creates my superiority to others, which eventually leads to a stronger ego. You would often complain about your work that does not make sense or your colleagues, or your boss is crazy, or maybe your family does not understand you. You complain a lot about making others at fault.
- Or somebody who’s got an underevaluated opinion or inferiority complex. This makes you unhappy and strongly dissatisfied with yourself by comparing yourself to others. Somebody has a better job, better pay, better grades, and you don’t. You complain a lot on beating yourself in shame.
Both types create a strong negative atmosphere. Do remember you talked to a complainer before and felt absolutely drained afterward? This is what complaining does to you and everyone around.
Some complainers reach a totally new level, and no matter what you say, either try to cheer them up, suggest a solution or provide your help, they always remain negative, and keep complaining. They will say “this will never work” or “i have no chance”. Then, what do you think happens if you keep saying you are a disaster everyday? Yes, this is what you will end up being.
It’s like the famous blue donkey from Winnie the Pooh, who is always saying: “Oh woe is me” or “it will never happen”, etc.
Complaining about your problems does nothing but bring you and others down. It drains everyone’s energy.
How do I stop complaining?
1. Build up your complaining awareness.
Do you even notice when you are complaining? It could be a silly question, but often complainers do not even notice them complaining.
Step back, take a deep breath and evaluate yourself. It might be hard, but ask your friends, your family or colleagues at work — 1) Do you complain often? 2) What do you complain about? and 3) What they feel about it?
It is a skill, and we should practice identifying when we complain, and understanding what others would feel about it.
Here are some indicators of your temptation to complain: You frequently think about past events, you regret things that happened in the past, you wish could go back and change them, you have a negative mood, and talk about problems that you feel hopeless.
Once you spot your thought that is about to produce a complaint, ask yourself:
- Will this thing really matter to me in 1 month, 1 year, or 10 years? Is this a recurring complaint or a one-time situation? How large is this problem?
- What do i feel right now, what’s igniting my feelings? Am I angry, hungry or tired? Is it simply an accumulation of emotions?
- What happens if i think, or say out loud this complaint? What is it, it will lead me to? Will i just vent out and feel better, or will i take an action that will prevent this to occur next time? Can i even take an action?
- What is my exact plan to solve this issue i am complaining about? Do i need support from anyone to find a solution to this problem?
- How others would feel if i complain about this? Or how would i feel if somebody else is complaining to me about this?
- If you get frustrated about other people, or judge them. Put yourself in their position, could you have done the same thing considering you are the same age, experience, the same family, and background?
Think about it, what opinion do you have about people who constantly complain? Are you really enjoying your conversations with them? Being around people who tend to complain a lot could be poison.
The key for you is to understand the root cause of the problem, is this a large problem or a small irritation? Can you really do anything about this issue?
Small things could be irritating, yet wouldn't lead you towards anything critical. However, there could be a larger issue in your life, and it could be a rolling snowball that can blow you away in one day. Thus, why not taking five minutes, every day, and journal your complaints. Above questions would guide you to discover the true nature of the problem.
The more you are aware about your complaints and the moments you are about to complain, the more naturally you will start filtering out trivial things, and you will actually start focusing on solving bigger problems.
Remember, little things and constant moaning creates negativity around you, and it affects not only you, but your family, your friends and colleagues. By noticing it and building up your awareness, you will be able to subside it.
You will start getting satisfaction by progressing towards fixing things. Meaning, you will start approaching a happier and calmer life.
2 Take an action.
After you build up your awareness, the fundamental part is to identify the actual problem and do something about that problem. Problems could be of two types 1) those are within your control, and you can take an action against and 2) those are outside of your control.
Therefore you have two simple choices: 1) Prepare a plan and solve the issue and 2) If it is outside of your control, accept it and move on.
Say, you are constantly complaining about your job — ask yourself: is there anything you could do about it? Can you talk to your manager and share your concerns, take bigger or lesser responsibilities, ingest new tasks to grow? Or explore intra company opportunities? Or maybe it is time to make the hard decision and move on to another job, or maybe even career?
Can you outline what is it bothering you, what is it you want to do, and build the plan towards it? Baby steps, task by task outlining each day action and tracking the progress towards the goal will help you feeling satisfied.
Maybe you feel completely lost, can’t navigate yourself and create a plan? that’s fine, seek for help — your friends, collegues, subject matter experts, you call it, there are millions of people who happy to help you.
Remember, when you want to complain next time, determine what type of the complaint it is, and if it is within your control, add the clear action towards your complaint, for example “Today traffic was horrible, i will wake up one hour early tomorrow to find out if i can avoid it”.
By adding your action towards your complaint you force yourself to think of solutions instead of negativity.
3 Strengthen your mental powers!
Practice to accept and neglet trivial things by 1) Taking yoga classes which is a great way to exercise, relax and learn to be mindful — this is a great channel to start with as a complete beginner, 2) Meditating to experience mindfulness, less stress and more happiness, this is a great channel to start with as a complete beginner 3) Practicing gratitude and acceptance. Wake up every morning and write out 10 things you are grateful for. Do this every morning, and you will learn not to think about negative things.
It is all about practice, say what happens if you practice singing or playing basketball? Simple — the longer you practice the better you are getting at it.
Similarly, what happens if you practice being grumpy and negative? You became better at finding other faults, issues, and negative things around you. The more you complain, the better you are arriving your mistakes or other mistakes.
Therefore, the key is to change your negative habit by spotting it, practicing to neglect trivial things and focus on solutions. You should consciously focus on positive things, and think about those things more. Practice it!
Remember, If you continue to think the way you have always thought you will continue to get what you have always got.
The final recommendation i share — embrace yourself in a 30 day no complaint challenge to completely change your mind. It is a simple and effective awareness training, you can learn more from Tim Ferris’s experiment here.
The challenge is simple, 1) get a rubber band andput it on your left hand 2) mark in your calendar the day you did that 3) continue 30 days without a complaint, and you would have to make a wrist switch if you complained about a trivial issue, an issue you have no control over, and you didn’t mention your next steps. And you start over again. Would you be able to complete this challenge?
Do you have a problem of the self that drives you crazy? Do you want to learn where it comes from and how to deal with it? Share it with me here, and I am happy to learn the issue on your behalf and publish an article that may help. I listen to your stories carefully and want to produce content that helps you living a simpler and happier life.
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