You Probably Have Low Testosterone
My gentle journey of discovery began one morning while watching First Blood, emptying the dishwasher and fussing over a few things in the kitchen.
As I observed Stallone’s male rage I began to relive some of my own kick ass moments. Like the time a group of punks tried to jump me and some friends in a Denny’s parking lot in high school. I took the first swing and gave the guy a bloody nose before he could strike. I earned a post-fight embrace from my girlfriend who (gloriously) had witnessed the whole thing.
But I couldn’t recall any recent masculine outbursts. I took off my dishwashing gloves and paused to look out the window. I remembered a few road rage incidents — but those were years ago. In fact, I’d been calm behind the wheel for quite some time.
I remembered reading an article in Men’s Health. It was all about testosterone (T) products and which ones worked best for which type of guy. I couldn’t believe this was a thing for men my age (early 40s) and even some poor saps younger than me. Then a friend of mine mentioned that he was taking a legal supplement to promote higher T. The wheels started turning.
As part of my annual physical, I got tested, and didn’t like the results. I was in the normal range but lower than I wanted. Not out of the range, but its a damn big range and I would have liked to be at the top of the mountain rather than surviving somewhere half way up.
I quickly became an expert on the subject. The message boards led me to T purgatory. It is a place where muscle heads glorify high T and battle medical experts who think T obsession is a potentially dangerous fad. I was more focused on the comment from a guy who had the same number as me — a 70 year old diabetic. WTF.
My wife’s Boston Irish father might read this at some point. He made a citizen’s arrest at eighty three and is ready to blow at any time. He doesn’t have T, just hot lava dripping from his loins. So let me just say in my most modest, nothing to see here kind of way, everything is working for me in the “marriage department.”
In addition to lack of sexual performance, a lot of guys on the message boards reported loss of drive. But I still work very hard to achieve various triumphs in my professional and personal life (with mixed success). This quest for exceptionalism can be a little annoying at times, sure. But lack of drive isn’t an issue.
After a variety of physical tests: a few ten mile runs and “Eileen grab the Alanis Morissette CD and meet me in the guest bedroom in ten minutes” kind of stuff, I feel satisfied that I’m alright.
The new school of thought says that testosterone levels alone can’t measure one’s drive, masculinity and strength. A Neanderthal looking strong man could have lower T; a gentle soul struggling with courage and conviction could be overflowing.
This makes sense to me. Overall human achievement isn’t determined by any one factor such as IQ, physical strength or dexterity. Many doctors now say that oversimplifying testosterone levels glosses over similar complexity relating to male drive.
So my advice is simple, guys. Don’t check your T levels unless you have a problem that needs fixing. This T level frenzy is a modern day panic. We have enough to worry about, so don’t get curious unless something isn’t working right.
But the most important message is this: I’m a virile stud focused on glory and impressive feats of strength and courage — after I tend to my wife’s list of chores and wiping my three children’s butts and noses. I thought we were supposed to be hunters? But that is a question for another day.
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