10 words that moved my 2013
It was a year of tiny but significant actions
If we file away years in the gravity of their milestones, 2013 had no shortage of them.
But as far as nostalgia goes, or, how pleasantly I shall look back on the last 12 month — 2013 has been eventful, exhilarating, and many other amazing things, but it wasn’t entirely about experiencing “happiness” in the way I’m used to defining it.
It wasn’t liberating, the way 2011 was (when I delved full-time into freelancing) or invigorating (like 2012 was when I traveled 4 times out of the Philippines and visited 3 countries).
Instead the year 2013 is ending on a somber, thoughtful mood. Many terrible things took place. Christmas almost seemed like it would never arrive.
Back in January, I started out wildly optimistic and determined to fulfill the grand dreams I had of fame, success, and literary fertility.
Halfway, however, my journey came to a standstill and I went careening off in a direction that isn’t exactly different, but quite surprising for some, even for myself.
I gained by losing. I became steadier, less proud, more conscientious. I think I grew older.
Writing this now, the voices in my head that express longing and questioning persist. As much as I want to wrap off this year in a successful note (and indeed its had its share of accomplishments), I can’t quiet down the desire to move farther, get back on track, and find my voice again next year.
But this is too much pessimism — I’m getting ahead of my list. I’d rather tackle the good ones first, like what I’ve learned most this year.
One of the greatest lessons that I’m learning and understanding right now is that it is not impossible for one person to make a difference. That being aware and spreading the word matters. There is so much to be done and there is nothing to be lost with asking questions, proposing answers, volunteering ideas.
I think 2013, from my end, was a year of action. So now, I wrap up the year, feebly, through a lot of pictures and even more words.
Here are 10 words that moved my 2013.
CUT
After 3 years, I cut my hair really short again. I enjoyed the bob, the sharpness it lent to my look, the extra 5 minutes it saved me in the morning.
The shallow act became loaded with meaning as I let go of many things.
Because there was no hair to play with, I had nothing to hide under. I had to be bolder, cheekier, and more confident.
I though having short hair would make me more chic. But rather than being fierce, I became relaxed in my sartorial non-choices. I enjoyed the convenience and my attire showed it. This year, I dressed simply, casually, and almost boring-ly more often. My style blog became pathetically unupdated.
I don’t exactly want to keep blogging that way — my world and my goals are different now and I believe I’m better (and way richer) for caring about clothes less.
Shoes however are another matter and my meager collection is still in dire need of additions.
TRAVEL
Last March, I fulfilled one dream of my Mom’s and brought her to Seoul. It was just us and Ranie. It was 6 degrees C and our outfits were cute but unfortunately frail against the not-quite-spring chill. The food was delicious. The views and culture were fantastic. The people were so kind and though I have no predilection for Kpop, Koreans will forever rank top in my heart.
Soon after that I also went to Caramoan for Holy Week and swam with starfish. I dived off a boat in the middle of the sea (albeit with life vest) for the first time. I climbed my first 50-foot natural rock wall with bare hands and feet. I was without cellphone and laptop for two days and it was blissful.
Needless to say these instances rendered me broke and I had to fully devote myself to work for the last months (travel funds are nil as of the moment, unfortunately). But! next year I vow that we’ll see more of the world again.
SHOOT
I did two commercials for Tanduay, finished three crazy seasons of Etcetera and 2 seasons of ETC HQ, did a bunch of freelance projects on the side. then thought I would say goodbye to production for the rest of the year.
I started working for Rappler, an online news site. But the Do More Awards happened and it was about a week of the same intensity of shot lists, logistics, and endless coordination with talents (in this case, contestants and eventually our inspiring winners).
Do I miss prod work? Yes and no. It depends on the context. All I know is while it’s a comfort and a familiar turf, production does not come as naturally to me as writing does. But what if I get to shoot things I dream of — like do a film? Write a full-length script? Even direct? How about theater?
I still believe these things are possible, and that they can happen sooner rather than later. Here or otherwise.
RIPPLE
How do I begin to describe what it’s like to work at Rappler?
I can’t even narrate properly how I ended up filling my Facebook wall with orange headlines and typing in stories in CMS. All I know is that mid-year I came to the decision that I needed to focus on writing and devoting more time to school. And that I needed a steady paycheck as we were going to rent and build a new house simultaneously.
I brushed up my resume and sent an email to Move.ph and the Life&Style editor. Because of internal transitions (which I learned about later on), the Sales team got in touch w/ me first. Marga seemed fun and Carla was nice.
The role I was to assume seemed fabulous (write, shoot, review products!) and I, deluded still with notions of glory, felt that it was worth a shot. And so I dived in.
First douse of cold water: the schedule is not as “flexible” as I thought.
Second douse of cold water: I am nowhere near the fab so-called experienced writer I thought I was. My work was butchered, questioned, edited and revised to death. 800 words and less, going through so much until the message was perfect. If I were any younger, or if I hadn’t gone through TV and its rigors, I would probably have died.
But here’s the thing: everyday, I go home with a quiet sense of satisfaction. When I hit publish, I can proudly say that my story carries a wish of change for society, something you can use to make your life better in some way (heroism, female empowerment, financial wellness, lessening germs in your house). And that gives me a meaningful joy which I never felt before. Srs.
I realized that the problem with my own writing projects is that when I try to tell a personal story, I don’t know what it should be for. Now, because of what I learn, see, hear at Rappler, I’m starting to gain a little sense of purpose for what I should write.
Another thing I value about this experience was the doors it opened, and the chance it proffered for me to meet, interview, and develop relationships with amazing, inspiring real-life heroes. Again, all these is slowly molding my idea of what I can contribute for the world. What kind of difference I can carve out and why it should matter. And so on.
And in the midst of the crazy transition, I did manage to survive 9.0 units this semester in school. And get my first flat 1.0 for a graduate class subject along with an honors certificate. ☺ #smug #but2ndsemisprettytoughcry
WRITE
Every year, I vow to become a “true” writer. I even thought after that intense one-week workshop with Bing Lao, that I’d be on my way.
What was my measure? A full-length output like a novel, or a play. Something published, aired, with my name on it. I still believe this is the way to go — to successfully tell a story that will stir emotions. And yes, I still want my name in the credits or in the cover page.
Yet God has a funny way of admonishing me that it’s not about how I aim to measure success. Maybe this was why he brought me to Rappler, so that I could fall back to the ground, re-learn, understand deeper, figure out what I really, really want while attempting to be amazing at something new and something that not a lot of people have mastered yet.
Rather than pursue my egotistical, award-laden dreams, I gained a byline, learned to write through the tricky realm of content marketing and branded content. It’s a challenge to turn preconceived “fluff” into substance. I can’t exactly say that I am that good at it yet. But with the help of my wonderful bosses, I hope I’m contributing towards setting a standard, changing the game.
I found it terribly satisfying. And yes, I got the credit. And that’s when I realized that it’s not the most important thing in the world after all.
I’m thankful to have been given the opportunity to be as productive as I was for the past six or so months. I’m looking forward to doing more and doing beyond for the coming year.
MARCH
This was an exciting year to be a Filipino.
Yes, day-to-day, bad news still happens and corrupt people continue to exist in the government.
But the people — especially the youth — are rising. Many are speaking up. Some are not worthy to be heard at all, but at least, more people are getting the chance have their say and initiate change. And indeed it’s making things happen!
Despite the fact that a lot of work still needs to be done, we can see the little changes, here and there. Crooks are being called out, help workflows are becoming streamlined (with a LOT of room for improvement), the government is learning that it is indeed accountable for its people.
I’m optimistic. I hope that next year, the momentum carries on.
HELP
We thought the #millionpeoplemarch was going the be the highlight the year — and then the massive earthquake hit Bohol. We thought, there’s the biggest story after all. And then Super Typhoon Yolanda (Haiyan) struck.
The turnout of help was heartwarming. Even though I was never directly in ground zero, the events unfolding moved me and the individual stories showed me the capacity of humans to pick up, accept the bad, mourn, then take the next deep breath and continue existing. It takes great faith and strength to survive in those circumstances.It turned out that resilience, of the nation as a whole, became this year’s most compelling narrative.
However: somehow the idea that disaster is fast slipping into normalcy is scary. If this happens now, what else will happen later on? We should be prepared better.
LOVE
Last year, I wrote this long blog entry about how I felt about being in a long-term relationship. This year, our anniversary came with sparks but of the painful kind.
Currently, I’m struggling with doubt and waning convictions. There. Better to have it out in the open.
I thrived when he was away. I have no idea if that was circumstantial or not and I think it’s what’s driving me crazy.
I threatened, demanded, and pretended to break up maybe at least 20 times this year because I wasn’t sure if I was still OK with where we were headed. In the midst of career and financial turmoils, rather than hold on to each other tightly, I started to believe that maybe it’s better for us, as individuals, to prosper separately.
The man, however, is damn stubborn and refuses to let go. And in calmer states (both sober and inebriated), I find it difficult to carry on with my plans of deserting the relationship too.
This year: I learned that love — even the long-term kind that seems set in stone and “done for” — can be painful and confusing.
And that it takes really hard effort. This is a work in progress.
LEARN
This year, I’m down to my last set of courses. Come next sem there is just a pre-thesis subject, and then it’s the comprehensive exam, and then the thesis. Then I’m done.
Happily — what I learn at work helps with my studies, and vice versa. It’s a nice arrangement, although it got REALLY CRAZY during hell week / finals week.
School has been a comfort and a pain simultaneously. I was on a roll last sem, but I’m struggling and less focused this time. But I’m determined to maintain the good grades I’ve been getting.
This really opens up the option of getting a teaching gig next year. (oh, and what about that long-sitting script?).
MOVE
I moved out spatially, emotionally, professionally. There was a lot of pruning, weeding, and stepping away from comfort zones this year.
I travelled less, but my mind and heart left all familiar territories and experienced new ways of understanding and accepting things.
And so we arrive to Now.
I end 2013 with gratitude for all the lessons, for the new friendships at work, for the lasting power of the relationships I have with orgmates, barkada, batchmates, old colleagues, and for the well-being of my family.
I’m welcoming 2014 with a more calculating, reserved, less giddy state of mind.
We are building our new house. That might mean a chance for me to taste independence and face new responsibilities.
Next year, I’ll strive to let go more, and accept that it is not up to me to control things. I’ll nurture the faith that things will always turn out the way they’re meant to be.
December 2013
