I found love in East Africa
It was my first time in most of these places out here and while I tried to get all the information I could about East African countries before setting out, the things I didn’t know did prove to be the difference.
Let me share some of the (mostly unrelated) things I experienced with you.
Corruption is largely the same, everywhere.
When I think of corruption, I think here, here, here and here. All Nigerian. Then I arrived at JMIA Nairobi and boooom! I was disappointed.
Immediately my Nigerian passport was presented on the queue, I was told to stand aside and after fifteen minutes of waiting, I was ushered into some room. What I thought would be a full body check, no thanks to guys like this, turned out to be a session on the rule of law, law making, law breaking, especially for international law, and the consequences of that. The lady giving the lecture then proceeded to declare my yellow fever certificate invalid for the reason that some part of the writing, in ink, was fading which is quite unusual for a document that is over a year old. Now this same document had gotten through the port health authorities at two other countries in the week before but never mind.
With her stern face and menacing voice, for a second, I was convinced she was going to deport me and I would have to explain to all the people who saw me on the queue back in Lagos (it’s usually covered by news starved journalists) that I was only deported for my yellow fever certificate and not drugs.
I wasn’t sure but this felt like a script I had seen before.
Yeah! Déjà vu.
I had seen this just about every other day I had ever spent in Nigeria. So with a wry smile on my face and confidence in my voice, confidence that comes from the knowing of a mutually shared secret, I asked her “So madam, what can I do to sort this out? How much?”. Two minutes later, a $20 bill had changed hands and we were laughing out loud and talking about some son of hers who was suddenly the same age as myself. She permitted me access into the Repulic of Kenya and wished me well. Of course. And it was the same almost everywhere I was. Some change to beat a queue, a tip to register after the counter was closed and basically a bribe for anything that seemed too difficult to be done at the first instance.
There are light skinned people in East Africa.
If you’re East African, you probably won’t understand why this is even an issue. Well, it is because the only East Africans we get to see on television are those who look like they have had their time in the sun. Literally. Same way we believe marathon runners are your main export to the world. Reason why I was super shocked to learn that Kenya, Uganda and Tanzania all have crude oil deposits by the billion!
Guess who’s one with nature?
I can guarantee you that some of the hands-down most breathtaking sights in the world are found in East Africa. At least 29 UNESCO world heritage sites are located here. From my trips to the amazing Nairobi national park in Kenya to Lake Victoria and the source of the Nile in Uganda, there are views that can only be experienced, not explained. Even pictures do not tell the full story. Wildlife, flora and fauna or even honeymoon spots. Whatever you’re looking to find, look no further.
Nightlife vs Food.
It’s definitely a draw here.
They have a variety of food options and the beauty here is you never really know what to expect. Downside: There isn’t as much spice as you’d like so you can come with your own cameroun pepper. Considering how selfish West Africans are with their taste buds and our Jollof wars, East African food might need some getting used to.
Try tibs while you’re in Ethiopia, locally prepared potatoes in Rwanda, matooke, chapati and Rolex (they don’t wear it, they eat it) in Uganda and Ugali and Mbuzi (personal favorite) in Kenya. Going out at night is relatively safe, as long as you’re not too far from the city and preferably, going by taxi (this is actually a bus in Uganda by the way) as boda bodas (okada) are only reasonably safe during the daytime. Same with the ever colourful Kenyan matatus. Kampala never really sleeps, Nairobi gives good vibes at night, Kigali is rather more quiet but all together, East African nightlife has the zing to it and whatever your preferences, I’m sure there’s something for you. Tip: It’s usually more fun when you go with friends and it’s really easy to make friends in these parts.
Their names are lit!
I met a Movia (wonderful Ugandan lady and host), Promise (warm and super friendly Rwandan host. Disclaimer: Not a guy), Moh (one of the beautiful works of art I talked about) and Sheena (wonderful, light skinned Kenyan lady and her amazing friend that left me curious). And then there’s Amen, Prosperity, Horseshoe and…wait for it…Orange. Seriously (and that’s a name too!)
East African Ladies…by far the most important part.
Before I got on the plane, I had heard so much about East African women and how they were created on the 7th day so I had really high expectations and my goodness! I was not disappointed. The average woman out there is a work of art. Not the kind of art under Lagos bridges. Very fine art. The kind you’ll find in upscale exhibitions by artists whose names you can only spell, not pronounce.
If you’re the type who stares at female backsides (I know what you’re thinking, I’m not by the way), your eyesight will not remain the same on return. And here’s the beautiful part, they are so warm that despite the occasional sub 16 degree temperatures (Addis Ababa gets even lower!), I was never really cold. Well, not in that body to body sense but it’s not like you will believe me anyway.
For Nigerian guys, it’s a two way street. You’re mostly viewed as a trickster, striving to impress from the word go so that you can take advantage of the ladies in some way, eventually but that barely deters them from showing you as much love in the end and for good reason, at least, according to them. Sometimes they love us without telling their friends and we hurt them openly. I heard so many overwhelming nasty stories of things Nigerian men had done, still they see Nigerian men as some necessary evil.
And as part of my corporate social responsibility to redeem the reputation of Nigerian men out there, I plead with you naija boy, don’t join the #MenAreScum gang while you are there. Have fun but be trustworthy. Never promise marriage if you don’t mean it, don’t mislead anyone to get laid, fleece no one, do not, I repeat, do not be a yoruba demon.
One more thing.
Kenyan women have some interesting perception of Nigerian men in bed. Apparently, some of them come all out at you to find out how true these notions are. No questions please. None.
There are a lot more things I could say about East Africa, like how they, on the average, have the fastest internet speeds in Africa, sizable populations, more rural than urban, some of the most reasonable costs of living, way more development and infrastructure than we would like to imagine, and while I’m not as impressed by their democratic record, we are about the same thing you know.
I’m in my hotel room, nostalgic, gently typing on Brenda’s soft keys (that’s what I now call my laptop and that name is inspired by one of the amazing people I met) and reliving moments from the past few weeks. I can proudly say I lived out incredible memories, pushed business (why does it sound like drugs), met people I will never forget, built relationships that could last a lifetime, unlearned, felt like a king while dancing shoki-when in reality I’m mediocre at it and broke some of my records. Inserts broad smile.
I came, saw but since I didn’t completely conquer, I will be back. And like it should be with every second coming, don’t sleep on me.
Cue: Plays some soundtrack that sounds like reincarnation.
Sign out.
P.S. Soon enough, there will be a spin off, slightly related article on here regarding my paper at the 9th Commonwealth Youth Ministers’ Meeting in Kampala. Before then, you can follow @absolutelyjosh #AdventuresofAdam on Instagram.
