The Unofficial Book of Rules for Indian roads

February 7, 2015

In India, official road rules are as a rule, ignored. So how do you drive on Indian roads? Simple, just follow these unofficial rules.

1. Road signs are put there to test if you get easily distracted. Be focussed and ignore them.
2. If you see a person standing beside a small puddle of water on the road, make sure you drive over it as that person is waiting for a free shower.
3. While driving at night, always use the high beam on your headlight so oncoming vehicles can play the ‘Guess what’s on the road?’ game.
4. If you see an ambulance behind you, see if you can go faster. If you can’t, let him pass, then follow him at top speed.
5. If you are going straight at a junction and see a sign saying Free Left, it means you are free to take the left lane and block the road.
6. Never check if the main road is clear before you enter it from a side road, as you have right of way. You always have right of way.
7. When driving in two way lanes, always overtake when you see another vehicle approaching so they can test the condition of their brakes.
8. If you wish to overtake a vehicle, and there is no space to pass on the driver’s side, then pass it on the other side.
9. If you are on a bike without a helmet and have stopped at a signal, and see a policeman walking towards you, then beat it as fast as possible.
10. If you are a policeman, and see a biker without a helmet at a signal, grab his ignition key before he runs off.
11. If a policeman fines you for breaking the law, avoid asking for a receipt as that is another crime, and punishable by a bigger fine.
12. If the traffic signal turns amber as you approach, speed up.
13. The two mirrors on bikes are meant solely for riders to admire both sides of their faces.
14. The free space under a ‘no parking’ board is a parking space that is specially reserved for you.
15. Stay away from government-owned, public transport buses as the drivers are legally licensed to kill you.
16. Stay away from large truck and private buses. The drivers are not legally licensed to kill you, but they will anyway.
17. Stay away from drivers with one hand to their ear. They have plans to get to heaven at the earliest, and won’t mind taking you along for company.
18. Zebra crossing means cars and two-wheelers have right of way over pedestrians. Pedestrians never have right of way.
19. Speed limits on Indian roads are meant for people learning to drive. Once you have a driving license, you can safely ignore them.
20. If two vehicles collide, it’s the bigger one’s fault. Pay up and shut up.
21. If your car hits another car from behind, it’s your fault. If another car hits your car from behind, it’s still your fault.
22. Avoid calling the cops if you have a minor accident because legal action is a headache for all.
23. If it’s a major accident and you are not at fault, pray fervently to God that the other driver has insurance.
24. If you are in Delhi and another vehicle brushes against yours, apologise immediately for his mistake and offer to pay up, or get ready to die.
25. If you rashly run over someone, a mob is likely to gather and beat you up so leave the scene at once and report to the nearest police station.
26. Good lane discipline means constantly switching your lanes to keep other drivers on their toes at all times.
27. Sound your horn whenever you can so people notice and admire your car.
28. Always horn as you pass a vehicle as it’s not considered good manners to visually check behind you before you turn right or switch lanes.
29. Avoid bigger puddles of water as they could be giant lakes in disguise.
30. Footpaths are meant for street vendors to spread out their wares.
31. Newly laid roads outside your house are bad for karma. Dig it up immediately to lay a pipe or something.
32. Potholes helps create jobs. You can do your bit to help create potholes by washing your car on the road.
33. If there is a turning in the road and the driver ahead of you is not signalling anything, it means he’s going to take the turning.
34. If the road has a sharp bend, park your car at that corner as the narrow gap will force traffic to slow down, and save lives.
35. If you ride a motorbike, you must always ride as close as possible to bigger vehicles to improve your riding skills.
36. If you see an underpowered moped behind you, be ready for his attempt to overtake you and prove his bike is not underpowered.
37. If a motorbike rider does not move out of your way, he may be listening to music on a noise-cancelling headset.
38. If a motorbike rider is riding with only one hand, it means he’s messaging someone and could suddenly stop in the middle of the road.
39. Autorickshaws (3-wheelers) are put on earth to test your reflexes. They can unexpectedly stop, turn left, right, reverse, drive the wrong way on a one-way road or even do a u-turn in the middle of a single-way highway
40. Seatbelts are uncomfortable. Never wear them. If the police are finicky about it, then just slip it over one shoulder and avoid buckling it in.
41. Cows, dogs and drunk Indian villagers think cars travelling above 100km/hr can stop in two seconds. Don’t try to prove them right.
42. It’s never to early to learn to drive. If the child is too short to see the road, put her on your lap so she can see it, and then give her the wheel.
43. Never check your rear view mirror. It’s the duty of the guy behind you to be alert.
44. If you see a car trying to reverse out of a parking slot onto the road, blare your horn and keep going.
45. If you are the one trying to reverse out, firmly blare the horn, and come out. You will be abused. Just pretend you are deaf, and slowly drive off.
46. If you are stuck forever behind a slow moving truck on a busy 2-way lane, wait for a small break in traffic, then pull out into the oncoming traffic, flash your lights, blare the horn, step on the gas, and pray to God.