Who’s In The Dirtbag Left?

Source: Wikipedia

No one really seems like they know, so as your certified Young Person Correspondent I’m here to clear the air. Here’s the official list of everyone associated with the Dirtbag Left.

• Dracula
• Anyone who has thought about buying a sword
• Anyone who has bought a sword but kept the receipt, “just in case”
• Drifters
• Nimue from Arthurian myth
• Fruit that hasn’t rotted yet but looks a little iffy
• The Wolfman, but only when he’s Benicio Del Toro*
• Some sort of negative universe Newt Gingrich
• Powerlifters
• Power players
• Powerman 5000
• Nobunaga Oda, the Sengoku-era Daimyō
• Susan Sarandon, obviously
• Joe Biden on a dirtbike, and only when he’s on a dirtbike
• The Bill from the Schoolhouse Rock song — he’s a single payer healthcare proposal
• Judo practitioners
• The “Bentstreek Leg” bog body
• People who get aroused by Frank Frazetta illustrations
• You, if you applied yourself a little more
• The Boxcar Children—except Benny; fuck Benny
• Sorcerers
• Boys who are proud, but not Proud Boys—that’s a different thing entirely
• Pope Formosus
• The Firbolgs of Irish folklore
• The two guys in Pompeii who wrote this graffiti: “We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus”
• Major League’s version of the Cleveland Indians
• Ella of Frell from the YA fantasy book Ella Enchanted
• Weird-looking turnips
• Charles Grodin lookalikes, but not Grodin himself
• Zeppo Marx
• Cybergoths
• People who wear leather moto jackets with the asymmetrical zippers in spite of not owning a motorcycle
• Nicolaus Copernicus
• All members of Arcade Fire because they’ve gotten super weird and ironic now
• Eddie Money, but only because he paid me to call him the “Father of the Dirtbag Left” so that’s what I’m doing

*This only holds true for Benicio Del Toro’s Wolfman. Lon Chaney Jr’s political affiliations are still unknown