The Top 20 Kids’ Breakfast Cereals

The definitive showdown

Photo by chuttersnap on Unsplash

Kids are idiots. If you ask them what their favorite cereal is, they’ll waffle for a minute then pick whichever one pops into their playhouse of a mind at that exact moment, whether it’s truly the answer or not.

I am an idiot. If you ask me what my favorite cereal is, I’ll write a ridiculous listicle based on some inexplicable criteria I dreamt up one night while I was having a Ripley-versus-the-queen-in-Aliens-style battle with explosive diarrhea.

Without further ado, here is that Pepto fever dream-inspired listicle:

Go fuck yourself.

20. Frosted Mini Wheats

This is an affront.

Is this a joke?

19. Life

What kind of existential hoodwinking is this?

Boring.

18. Kix

Donald Glover once famously called Kix “the hand job of cereals,” but he was being too polite. Kix are like a first date where nothing happens except you’ve paid for dinner to hear a boring person tell you their life story and that they like Game of Thrones. No shit. Differentiate yourself please.

What?

17. Honey Smacks

Your cereal shouldn’t be named as if it’s a playful euphemism for spousal abuse.

Someone thought they were being clever.

16. Cookie Crisp

Why…why wouldn’t you just eat real cookies and milk?

What even is this cereal?

15. Golden Crisp

OK, I fuck with that smooth-ass Sugar Bear but this cereal’s obscure for a reason.

Why do you have to show the cinnamon swirls?

14. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

This is so extra. It’s embarrassing, really.

Who thought spelling it “froot” was a good idea?

13. Froot Loops

It’s the spelling error of cereals.

So colorful.

12. Trix

At least Trix looks pretty.

Pebbles, by definition, shouldn’t be soggy.

11. Fruity Pebbles

You’re essentially eating colorful sugar shards. You have exactly 5 seconds to eat the whole bowl before it becomes a sad soggy mess.

And you can make treats out of it. So versatile.

10. Rice Krispies

Look, you shouldn’t have to add your own sugar to cereal, but here we are. It’s like a DIY mouth party.

Nut?

9. Honey Nut Cheerios

I’ve always been wary of the “nut” in the title, but this is a solid choice if you like some sophistication in a breakfast cereal for children.

They’rrrrrrrrrre [superlative]!

8. Frosted Flakes

Classic, no frills. Just flakes that are frosted. A bit of frosted flake trivia for you, and this is a true story: They almost made the flakes unfrosted.

Manzananananananana!

7. Apple Jacks

This is essentially Froot Loops but instead of some ambiguous-ass ‘froot’ flavoring you get smacked in the buds with that cinnamon spice and delicious little flecks of what I can only assume are pieces of chopped up apple orchard owners.

The genius of it.

6. Golden Grahams

Let me tell you something. Whoever thought to shrink graham crackers down into cereal form, they must see the world in ways that make you and I look like idiot Trump supporters.

The exchange rate is not bad.

5. Pops

I guarantee this cereal has been exchanged for sexual favors in a prison.

Beads?

4. Honeycomb

These fat puffs of honey are so satisfying that you won’t even mind you’ve wiped out the bee population.

I don’t need my gum tissue.

3. Cap’n Crunch Berries

Fuck up the roof of your mouth because it’s worth it.

It should be unnerving, but it’s sorta reassuring?

2. Cocoa Puffs

All you need to know about the king of chocolate cereals is that it has a mascot who’s characterized as clinically insane, the result of his obsession with said cereal.

Marshmallows.

1. Lucky Charms

You’ll notice a clear line of demarcation between this, the top cereal in the land, and all the rest. Marshmallows. What do you see above this point of the list? No marshmallows.