Hotel Artemis

The Alternate Universe review

In a universe where George Lazenby stayed on as James Bond, Sean Connery refused the nappy in Zardoz, Season 2 of Space:1999 didn’t suck, and Firefly got a full 6 seasons and a couple of movies, comes the review of Hotel Artemis and its end of season finale.

Well, in a world where the end of things is often disappointing, Hotel Artemis delivers a different story, a fitting end to the series.

What started as a quirky gamble by producers, with social media betting it’d be canned before the end of the season like Firefly back in the day, grew in popularity until there was no other reason but to continue. It was an obvious idea and yet no-one thought of it: we’ve heard criminals complaining for years about where they could go if the hospitals were being watched by Police. Enter Hotel Artemis and The Nurse (Jodie Foster), backed up by Everest (Dave Bautista). All you need to do is pay your dues and don’t break the rules and they’ll fix you up.

But all good things come to an end. We’ve been teased by two questions from day one: Who killed The Nurse’s son Beau, and who is The Wolf King.

Spoilers ahead.

It’s another Wednesday at the Artemis. In residence are arms dealer Acapulco (Charlie Day) with a slashed face, and Nice — the city not the adjective — (Sofia Boutella) with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Enter Honolulu (Brian Tyree Henry) and brother, Waikiki (Sterling K. Brown) who have escaped a gun battle following a heist.

And if you’re wondering, the nicknames are for the rooms patients get to stay in (with the exception of Waikiki who’s sharing in the Honolulu room).

Also starring, is the set design. They’ve nailed run-down, retrofitted hotel and the Artemis wouldn’t be out of place in Blade Runner. Except the production design avoided the obvious nods to the 1982 classic (unlike Altered Carbon which looks like it took place a couple of streets away from Taffy Lewis’ Snake Pit club). Yes the city’s been run into the ground but there’s no vertical neon, no flying cars (helicopters only) or rain. There is however a genuine, literal dumpster fire right at the end, but only as set dressing, not a reflection on the story (although the Twitterati will no-doubt think otherwise; they just can’t be pleased about anything can they?).

Adding to the troubles, the city’s water supply has been cut off by an evil multinational corporation, and the residents of L.A. are rioting, held back by police officers whose garb reminds me of the Protectorate Marines from the aforementioned Altered Carbon — all body armour and close-fitting all-encompassing headgear. The police are also the reason Honolulu and Waikiki are at The Artemis, with a colleague (AKA fellow bank robber) Burke (Kenneth Choi). Burke doesn’t get in because he’s got a fake chip implant, then makes the mistake of breaking the second rule: don’t insult the staff.

Life is further complicated when a childhood friend of The Nurse’s son appears on the scene. She’s a Police Liaison, but her uniform says “Cop” which is bad news, because like Waikiki comments, who’d want to go to a secret criminals-only hospital if they let the cops in too?

And just when The Nurse couldn’t have a worse day, she gets word that the oft mentioned, never seen Wolf King is en-route.

A lot of information is stuffed into the first thirty minutes of the movie, which may be confusing for those who haven’t seen the series. It’s a lot to take in. 2028 isn’t much of a leap into the future, so the technology is an odd mix of stupidly advanced (nanites to repair wounds) and 3d printed guns (breaks rule 3). There’s also odd plot points; why has the Artemis only got four rooms, why only one nurse and how’d the Wolf King get through the riots and curfew? And why didn’t Nice just use a stopwatch to count down, instead of doing it verbally and in French. Not exactly inconspicuous. But it was dramatic, so perhaps it’s something that can be forgiven.

Hotel Artemis has always had the feel of a one-room drama, or even a stage play in its execution. We don’t actually need to know there’s riots outside, but in this case, it’s a necessary plot point. It’s nice when a background event actually serves the story rather than being just, like, there, you know?

A lot of critics have panned the movie as being “not [quirky | violent | cyberpunk ] enough” or “lacking the violence of John Wick” which is to ignore the potential of something that’s not just Yet Another Angry White Man With A Gun. Jodie Foster steals the show as the shuffling Nurse, and the characters are clear enough to get a handle on motivations and actions, without just Being There To Make Something Happen (I’m looking at you Prometheus). And yes, there’s violence, but it’s kept with the bounds of what’s physically possible, rather than bulletproof superheroes. That is, with the possible exception of a Kevlar waistcoat sported by Waikiki.

Hotel Artemis isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea; it’s slower moving than similar stories, the camera isn’t shaky and there’s a lot to take in. Drew Pearce set out to make “someone’s favourite movie” instead of writing for Bums on Seats. And that’s a good thing.

Rating 4/5 (I wish there was more)