My Mom, a woman who I wish I knew personally
A woman who was seen as a fun, well-read, and kind mother during her time on this Earth.
Is it possible to “miss” someone you’ve never met before?
Mother’s Day is coming up.
I always love to hear how my other friends plan to take their mom on a date to have a fancy meal or arrange a family gathering to celebrate this special day altogether. I have always been jealous to see my friends have that type of intimacy and a strong bond with their moms.
My birth mom passed away when I was three years old. There have been countless, supportive motherly figures in my life, and they have shown me what it means to be a mom, but somehow I always feel there is something missing. It seems that there is an eagerness inside me wanting to experience a love that is so unconditional from another human being, and it has never quenched.
Back in April, during the Tomb Sweeping Festival¹ time in Taiwan, the inspiration of writing an article about my mom came to me surprisingly.
Over the years, when I visited her at the cemetery, all I can do is to stand before the cremation urn and quietly looked at her picture on the urn. This has been my best way of paying my tribute to her, even though it sounds awfully awkward and odd. Because she passed away when I was so young, I have zero personal memories of her in my mind. It took me years to accept the fact that I have a mom that I don’t get to know about personally.
This lady, who birthed me into this world in her mid-30s and died of a quickly worsened brain tumor 3 years after I was born, was a mother of four with a full-time job at the same time and didn’t receive much support from either side of our grandparents. Not long after her second child, the only son in the household died of leukemia, she found that she was pregnant again with me.
It has been unreal for me to imagine, that this lady who now remained inside a little container, is a woman that had fought every battles through life.
When I looked into her eyes in her black and white picture on the urn, I had imagined the way how she might talk, laugh, or yell whenever she was happy or angry. I had also wondered how it might feel like to be held in her arms, but I would never know.
I used to feel quite frustrated about this when I was growing up. Even though after some years of adulthood, I lived pretty much fine without a forever-loving mom to support me and stand by my side when the storms of life blew in strong. However, the sadness of loss has always lingered in my heart, and it can be easily triggered during a time like Mother’s Day.
This year I decided to do something different — to properly honor her, I would like to write a short memoir of her, from all the pieces I can gather from my two older sisters’ memories. They were teenage girls when she was still with us. Even though most of the memories had faded away, the essence of her, fortunately, has not been lost forever. Her personality traits are the most memorable part of their memories.
She was fun and creative.
She was oftentimes dressed up nicely. Her creativity was well displayed in her clothing style. She loved to dress in the latest fashion of the time. In the same way, she dressed my sisters in high-quality department store children's clothing. Her sweaters were always in bold color. Same with her brooch collections. Her hairstyle was edgy among the ladies during the time. Her hair could go extremely short, neat, and sharp, pairing perfectly with her pearl earrings.
She loved to read.
Being a mom and a working lady at the same time didn’t stop her from setting aside time to read. As far as my sister can recall, my mom used to get up way earlier every morning to have her personal reading time. She would sit quietly in front of the desk by herself and immerse herself in the world of a book before a busy day started to roll in.
She was thoughtful.
I always felt that since I didn’t have personal connections with her, I could make a plausible guess that she may not love me as much as I thought she would.
Over the years I have been told that during the time when I was about to be born, my parents were looking forward to having a boy instead of a girl. My Dad had expressed his frustration about this over the years, so I have felt my guess was a fair and valid assumption that my mom was not happy to have me born.
I had kept this doubt for quite a while until I was about 22 years old. One day, I was surprisingly informed that there has been a type of life insurance set up for me since the year I was born. It has accumulated into a good amount of money for me to utilize after I reached that very age. The insurance was set up for me solely under my mom’s name. None of us in the family knew about this until then.
Ever since it’s been quite clear to me that there’s no need to question her love for me anymore.
She was adventurous and possibly rebellious in her own way.
My family has not talked about her openly to each other because we are not used to talking about feelings, emotions, and not to mention, traumas about the loss of her. So when I found those old pictures in a dusted, dark corner in my eldest sister’s room, I was so thrilled.
I saw pictures of my mom in her 20s and some could be from her teenage years. Her facial expressions were so fun to look at. Most of the time she had gentle smiles, but some of the smiley faces I would call rebellious smirks.
I also heard from my sisters that my mom used to feed me beef noodles oftentimes, especially the ones with a strong soy sauce-based broth.
Feeding kids such salty food ummm… doesn’t sound quite right, does it? However, it is possible that I enjoyed it so much that she decided to keep feeding me with that, or it was because she loved the beef noodles so much that she was willing to share some of them with me? Either way, I found it so hilarious to just think about that.
It has been painful for my family to talk about my birth mom over the years. No one seemed to be willing to experience the grief whenever memories start to flood in. I never felt confident well enough to start a conversation asking for more details about her either. However, she did leave a legacy in this world, and I want to honor her the best way I can as her daughter.
As a mom, she gave birth to four kids, filling a household with laughter. Her perseverance in learning new things through reading can still be seen in my eldest sister, who is the first and the only child in the entire family to hold a doctorate degree. Her sense of beauty and creativity in shapes and colors can be found in my middle sister's countless artwork and her forever-expanding wardrobe.
I think what I received from her is her attitude of not conforming to the social norm. That spirit of boldness somehow lives in me because when I saw her mischievous smirk in that picture, I can surely relate to that. I am proud to be the daughter who carries that same spirit and will surely pass it on to my kids in the future.
That’s all that I would like to share with you for now. Wish you all a wonderful moment with your loved ones on the coming Mother’s Day.
Stay blessed.
[1]: Tomb Sweeping Festival: a Taiwanese festival that is for families to return to their ancestral tombs to care for the graves of relatives who have passed away.
