Always Breathing In, Never Breathing Out
There I was in the bathroom of a yoga studio completely embarrassed and exhausted after running out of a class 10 minutes after it started. I had to get the hell out of that studio before the class was over. Other than the obvious with this story, let me tell you all the other thoughts that went through my mind. I wasn’t sure at this moment if I could grip the bathroom door handle to get out. When you live with chronic pain and all the crap that comes with an auto immune disease you can get sick of yourself. You have to constantly be evaluating your environment. You spend a lot of time in your head. A lot of time taking an inventory of your pain level, your symptoms, counting the hours until your next dose of something to provide relief, checking your calendar to see whats ahead , weighing the levels of nausea (common side effect to the meds) do I need to eat to help the symptoms or is this one of those times that food is a BAD IDEA, your anxiety levels naturally go through the roof. So imagine desperately trying to leave a place that you are completely uncomfortable in but not sure you can even grip the door handle. IT SUCKS! I got out of that bathroom but it took concentration and both palms.
I grew the nerve and returned to that same studio. I decided to slow it down and take a Restorative Yoga class. I loved it and it remains a love of mine 6 years later. Restorative yoga is gentle. It’s stillness. I needed to do some work on the ole’ noggin and ease into this thing called yoga. I had to sloooooooow down. This was the practice I needed at this point. I began to see and feel the benefits of being in stillness and silence. It was unfamiliar territory for me. I avoided it up until this point because I was avoiding myself. Now, I was starting to LOVE IT. No phone, no responsibilities, no laptop, no one asking questions, I was giving myself a break, no one needed anything from me, no one to compare myself to, it was me, myself and I. (I’m singing De La Soul right now, throwback!!)
After a few months of classes I was feeling more balanced, clear headed, stronger and more determined than ever.
“The quieter you become the more you are able to hear.” Rumi