Dealing with Shame
“The mind is everything. What you think, you become” — Buddha
I am not always a strong person. There are times in my life when I feel so ashamed of what I am that it gets hard to get out of bed. Today I wanted to talk about the deep, convoluted emotion known as “shame”. This is because I wanted to say that it is okay to have this feeling. In fact, it’s almost natural to feel this emotion when battling chronic pain. Though to be honest, I don’t know if that is more towards you the reader or if I’m still coming to terms with it myself.
Even as I write this it brings back memories of deep shame, almost to the point where I feel myself becoming anxious just thinking about it. When you are dealing with chronic pain the emotions you have are very complex. Some days you feel like you are invincible and on top of the world — you are in control of your pain. Then there are those days where you feel like the pain has taken control of you and you just can’t seem to figure out what to do. Not only are you struggling with an image of yourself that is changing on a daily basis, but you are trying to come to terms with yourself as an individual by living your life as normally as you can. That on its own is a daily challenge- because how do you maintain a daily routine when you don’t know what your pain is going to look like today? Through that process it is only natural to come upon moments of shame. These moments act as barriers and even walls that close you off from close friends and family. Sometimes, those moments can hurt more people than just yourself.
We all have different reasons for feeling shame when we are dealing with chronic pain. For me, it intermingles closely with my pride. Growing up, I had always been extremely self-conscious of my body image. I had been made fun of for many years for being “nerdy” and over the years it developed into a deep-rooted issue that constantly bombarded me. Whether it be at high school dances, fitting into clothes at the mall (I hit puberty very fast and adjusting to my new body image was difficult at the time) or learning to deal with my horrid acne. Shame constantly stalked me and eventually it had caged me in, especially when I was struggling with my body image.
I had different outlets to deal with all this. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was a runner, swimmer and dancer. I loved to write poetry, paint, listen to my favourite music and play the violin. What I felt I “lacked” in the body image department I made up for through creative and physical outlets.
When my chronic pain first hit me, it was in my neck. Repetitive dancing and swimming had caused me to injure my neck and to this day I have no actual diagnosis for the pain that I feel. To the lay individual though, I could hide that pain. When I was hit with my severe migraines and headaches I could always go to my room and stay there until it sailed its course.
With my knee though, I had a much more difficult time hiding my very obvious “defect” (or that was how I saw it at least). My orthopedic surgeon had recommended I get a large brace that I should wear when going for long walks or exercising so I could be as pain-free as possible. As you can see, it wasn’t something that I could easily hide.
Even as I look at this picture right now I am filled with embarrassment. This was not how I envisioned myself at the age of 26, so coping with that has filled me with a lot of shame.
In the beginning I had thought to myself, it’s fine. Just go out in some tights and do that yoga! Though as people stared, asked questions like, “What’s wrong with you?” and “How are you able to do yoga?” it began to drag me down deeper. Around this time I had also been diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my knee so it felt like I was getting punched in the gut again and again.
The self-pity and shame I had felt growing up with my body image issues began to rise up again. Despite my fiance saying, “Who cares what people say!” I desperately searched for hours on end for clothing that would cover up this brace. So I wouldn’t keep getting stares and so I could feel like I was just like everybody else. This way I could feel a sense of normalcy.
It has been a difficult journey for me to find clothing that would cover up my brace. While I embrace this technology for helping it with my knee pain, I also curse it for being so damn large! It is easy for others to say, “Ignore the stares”, but I believe every individual has their own threshold.
For casual wear I have found long maxi dresses, for athletic wear I have scoured every inch of the internet for something to cover such a large brace. I have landed on two harem pants that for now are doing a relatively good job. What I find to be especially difficult in women’s clothing is finding athletic wear that can cover my brace since they tend to be either very short or very tight.
As you become more comfortable with your daily pain and begin to accept things for the way they are, you tend to find ways to work around that injury. I have even begun to even joke with my friends about my “bionic super-human knee”, but deep inside I still feel a pang of hurt and a lot of vulnerability.
How one copes with their shame when dealing with their chronic pain can vary — some people don’t feel shame in the first place either and that is fantastic! I know that I have struggled with it because of my pride and my urge to look like I am “just like every other 20something”. When you go to the gym and it is scoured with pretty young women in tight fitting gym clothes or you look online to buy athletic women’s wear and all you see are ads of young women in clothing you just can’t wear, it really does hit you.
I would love to provide foolproof advice on dealing with shame and vulnerability when it comes to chronic pain, but I must say that I am no angel. I do find that the best way to cope is to do what you feel is comfortable. It may be easy for others to say, “Don’t worry, nobody’s looking- wear that brace!”, but if you really do feel uncomfortable and self-conscious- don’t do it. On the flip side, if you really couldn’t give a damn, then you do that too! Because we all have our own comfort levels and I strongly believe when it comes to coping with your emotions and chronic pain there is no single right or wrong answer.
All I know is that the more shame you feel, the deeper you sink into the black “hole” of chronic pain. There is an endless self-speak that drags you down. Avoid that. Don’t let yourself curl up in bed and make you keep asking yourself, “Why me?” Because sometimes when you’re in your 20s and 30s, there is no reason. It just happened.
All I do is try to surround myself by people who will high-five me when I’ve been walking around all day but I kept going, but also when I feel like I’m crumbling and can’t bear the embarrassment (let alone the physical pain itself), of being this way.
Everyday, we get up and we do the best we can and that is all we can ask of ourselves.
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