Facing Yourself: Part Three (Anger)

“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger” — Buddha

I have always been the type of person to keep trying at something until I’ve either perfected it or gotten it done. I always refuse to take performance either in my work (career) and relationships (either family or friends) as sub-par. So why then, at the end of the day, would I allow my body to perform sub-par?

That is the million dollar question when it comes to my chronic pain. Being a competitive individual who also was athletic growing up, I always made sure my body performed at its peak. Whether that be through my competitive swimming, competitive dance, life-guarding, cross-country, basketball or other track and field.

For me, especially while coping and adapting it has been very difficult. Growing up I was always told, “No pain, no gain!” This mindset was so ingrained in me in sports, school and later when I started my career after graduation.

But when it comes to chronic pain, this mentality is detrimental, in fact, it can even hurt you further. When I initially tore my meniscus it was because I hadn’t listened to my body. I had knee issues before, but I made them worse by practicing 5 hours a day for a dance competition (even though my knee was swollen I kept wrapping it up). I had weakened my muscles to the point where they were prone to injury and had pushed myself so far that eventually I was at a practice and tore my meniscus. I regret that decision to this very day.

Even after I injured myself I continued to be active with a torn meniscus because hey, who has time to stop running around? Even post-surgery I was at the gym after a few months. While doing some squats with some weights I ended up re-injuring my knee again. I was angry. Really angry.

Mind you, my competitive attitude pushed me to go to physio three times a week post-surgery and strengthen my muscles. Exercise and ramp up slowly as per my PT and eventually I got the go-ahead to go back to the gym. Silly me, I thought I could “push myself” even further by doing squats with added weights.

If I could offer one piece of advice to those recovering from an injury (and I’m sure you’ve heard it a dozen times already), is to listen to your body. When you are young, you sometimes do dumb things. Not because you’re young, but because you believe you can push yourself further because you are young (does that make sense)?

I had worked really hard for a year with a difficult rehab period only to re-injure myself again. I went back to the doctor, rested a bit. After a few months I thought, “let’s do some hot yoga”. Again, I pushed myself too far. People don’t realize it, but with yoga there are a lot of knee intensive poses that put all your weight on your knees. I aggravated my knee again.

I was even angrier than I was before. This was ridiculous!? I wanted to move, I wanted to run and dance and I couldn’t even do yoga properly! I was bitter and resentful. That bitterness grew as I continued to see my peers sign up for marathons and go to pilates while I sat around nursing a knee injury that just wouldn’t let up.

If you read my previous post on humility, you will know that my situation with my knee didn’t get any better. I had soon after been diagnosed with arthritis and that had rocked my world. Hard.

I was dealing with a lot of emotions. Depression, anxiety (even cynicism), but anger was definitely the winner. After I had graduated from university my joint issues and chronic pain had progressively gotten worse. Whether with my knee, jaw, neck or bladder.

If my own body couldn’t perform well, what was I going to do in my career and with my relationships? For someone who was so used to moving around all the time, to be hesitant about every single step I was taking was extremely aggravating.

The battle is on-going as I come to terms with my situation. I speak about my knee the most because it is the most uncontrollable joint issue I have. When you are unable to walk for more than 5–10 minutes and see your peers walking around you with not even a second thought, it hurts. It embarrasses you to another degree. It also makes you angry that you have to walk around in pain.

I become snappy and frustrated, and the people around you just think you are being cranky. But the reality is, is that you aren’t frustrated with them for not understanding. You are frustrated with yourself and your body for just not functioning.

For me, it was the simple fact that walking, eating, sleeping and going to the washroom could cause me pain. It has taken me a long time to lose that bitterness. Actually it has taken me years. And I am still not over it. I still struggle with that everyday.

But you just keep going and you just keep moving, because at the end of the day, your greatest challenge is yourself. Having the right people and support network who understands (rather than pities) is key. Having the right people not bombard you with sappy, positive mantras (when it’s clear they have nothing else to say so they just give you what seems like a quote off Pinterest) is critical.

The other day, while I was crying because I felt so defeated (I had been walking around the mall for about a half hour and my knee was giving me issues), my fiance came up to me and said, “I am so proud of you. You are an inspiration to me everyday.”

That was more than enough to keep me going.

The only piece of advice I can give with anger and chronic pain, is make sure you learn to love yourself and all your imperfections. We get angry because we are frustrated with ourselves and our situations. I have learned to work around my body when it comes to exercising. I only swim. I don’t do knee-intensive yoga poses and I make sure to take plenty of breaks when I’m walking around. I’ve let go of that ego, because quite frankly, that pride will get you nowhere but more physical pain (for no reason other than to put up a front for others).

I would love to hear your thoughts with anger and chronic pain.

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