My Life, My Pain

I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror or when I look at old pictures of myself. Sure I've gained weight but that's not it. I see what others don't. I see the pain behind the wrinkles and creases where before they were laugh lines. I see the grey hairs starting to fade in from the stress I feel everyday. The scars on my stomach that I am ashamed of. I don't see the same smile I once had. I don't carry myself with the same ease as I once did.

I know that life changes every person. That life is fluid and not static. That who we once were is not who we are. But I miss myself and I feel like I am being dragged further and further away.

What I really miss is being strong and being active. When I had energy to work hard and use my brain. I don't have energy, I am always tired and I am scared to venture too far from my home in case I need to rest. Some days it is hard for me to walk around my home. My bed is my prison and my savior.

Recently I was referred to as lazy. That I do not try enough. I have one family member who is always telling me that I just need to exercise and I will feel better. I have other people in my life that complain about my diet. And others that tell me I need to go to the doctor more. Everyone has an opinion of my life but no one is living it for me.

I try really hard. I want to feel better. I don't want my life to be like this. I miss work, and independence. I miss being self-reliant. I miss doing anything I wanted whenever I wanted to. I am caged and trapped and I am trying so very hard to break free.

Unfortunately I only seem to be getting worse. I am in more pain, and I am more tired then I have been in months. I only had a little bit of relief since my last surgery and now I feel as bad as I did before it.

Pain is my constant companion. I have read that endo pain can be as bad as childbirth and as bad as a heart attack. I can not vouch because I have experienced neither but the pain I feel is worse then any of the surgery pain I have felt. It is so bad I can't concentrate on what people are saying to me. I can't remember full days because of the pain I feel. I would not wish it on anyone. I posted a status about my pain recently and someone messaged me telling me to go to the doctor. I have been to the hospital in that much pain three times. They sent me home with drugs and told me to wait months for my surgery.

This disease ruins people's lives and all the help we get is being told to wait. Have some of the strongest most addictive pain killers and wait.

I also read about depression and anxiety and how much it effects women with endo. One in four has contemplated suicide. These mental illnesses go hand in hand with this disease. And its no wonder when very few take this disease seriously and very little help is offered.

I am not saying that every woman with this disease has the same symptoms. It is a very common disease and I personally know woman who have had this disease and live full lives. That the pain they feel is only for a few days. They had treatment that worked and this disease hardly affected them. But endo is different for everyone. It's symptoms are different. Some women can have extreme symptoms and feel nothing while others can be in extreme pain and have little symptoms. Some women have a higher pain tolerance then others.

Anyone that really knows me knows how much of a pain tolerance I have. I have been hurt at work many times and I know what pain is but this is a different pain. It's a pain that turns my brain off and makes my vision a tunnel. I have to hold my belly when I walk just so it won't move and send shooting pains from the bottom of my gut. My belly bloats until it is fully stretched out and I can feel it pushing on my pelvic walls pushing out and stretching. I could go on for a long time with my symptoms so why is it so hard to find help? Especially when this disease is so common.

I hope that one day I will find relief, that other women will not have to go through the same horrible treatments and healthcare that I have gone through. That this disease will be treated early rather then later in life. I hope that these women will get the treatment they deserve and that this disease will be taken seriously by both medical professionals and regular people. Please keep more empathy in your hearts and don't be afraid to reach out if you need help or you have help to give.