You’re safe. Your fears are all lies.

I spoke to two men this week and had similar conversations about fear and safety. Men don’t really talk about fear, of course, because we are all totally fearless (that’s a joke btw).

We pretend that that’s true, we pretend to ourselves and others that we know no fear, but we also know it to be false. Sometimes we think we ought to make it so, to force ourselves to be brave and that would mean keeping quiet about those nagging doubts, those odd feelings, those knots in the gut, the cold dread that gets us just when we’re most vulnerable. We believe that people won’t like us or want us around or need us if we show any of that vulnerability.

And then we do all sorts of things to try to make ourselves and others feel safe, many of which just end up create more fear.

I said the same thing to both of these men: “You are perfectly safe”. Immediately they wanted to argue, but I persisted. “You’re actually completely safe, none of the existential fears you have are real and deep down you know that.”

It seems that it’s not OK to admit that you’re safe, you have to hold onto some extreme fear of losing your safety because… well what? What is it for you? If you could believe that you were totally safe, how would you feel? What would you do differently? If you could let go of all fear (y’know, those ones, not the common sense that keeps you from jumping in front of a bus) how might you be then? What small change might occur in your life today? How do you see yourself behaving in the world without any fear and with certain knowledge of safety?

It’s hard isn’t it?

Some of my work has been about this. I spent a month travelling about the USA relying on my blog and social media to see whether my fear of having no friends was real. Then when I came back I gave up my flat in London for about a year to see what happened if I faced my fear of not being welcome, not having a home that was my own. Your ways of dealing with your fears need not be so dramatic or require personal risk (in reality, mine had much less risk than I or others believed at the start)

One easier way I’ve found through this is to make a list of all the things I think I’m afraid of and examine each carefully. Where does it come from? When did I first think it? Is it anything to do with this current situation or is it just a habitual or familiar reaction to certain thoughts or feelings?

Because they’re all lies, none of them are wholly true or justified and when we shine that light of truth on them they start to fade and we’re set free.

Just to prove how ridiculous mine have been, here’s a list that I wrote some time ago:

I’m afraid of:

• running out:
  - of money
  - of food
  - of love
  - of life
• of not being able to fully take part in life
• not reaching my potential
• being a disappointment
• being disappointed
• dying too early
• falling from a height
• falling down in the street
• physical pain and exhaustion
• being wrong, being on the wrong track, doing the wrong thing today
• not winning
• not being enough, not being sufficient
• not being strong enough to get well and get strong
• admitting my weakness
• asking for help

It’s a long list but it’s nowhere near complete. I wish I could say they’ve all gone, but facing these, looking at them squarely and moving through them has made all the difference.