Marriage WAS Not for Me
Walking down the aisle was a HUGE step for me. I was scared to get married — so scared that I ran away from my long term relationship. After 12 years of dating, Jason and I broke up because he wanted to get married and I wanted to travel the world. Sounds a bit cliche but it’s true.
My best friend in Europe wanted me to travel with her and we had all these plans to meet up and find work in another country. I was ready to leave Vancouver and take that leap but God had other plans for me. I ended up finding a job here in Vancouver and as I started working, I became accustomed to stability. Everything inside me wanted to run away from that stability but I enjoyed the work I was doing. So I stayed…
I was working in the field I wanted but didn’t feel challenged professionally. At the same time, my personal life was awry and this job allowed me to focus on me. I dated someone for 12 years, with the hope to marry him and there I was, single again because I decided that marriage was not for me. It was crazy to me but it felt right. I prayed a lot during this time because I felt that I needed to find me. Yes, like every millenial, I went through this “who am I?” crisis. Little did I know that the question would be rephrased to “What am I running from?”
During these 8 months apart, I didn’t find myself. Instead, I found my brokenness. As I uncovered my fears, reflected on where I wanted to go, I realized more and more that I do want to get married one day. Then one day I witnessed a husband in action, taking care of his kids, communicating kindly to his wife and being there for his family that a fleeting thought came to my mind: I want to marry a Catholic man like that man. For someone who didn’t want to get married, I thought that thought was a strange one and reflected further, thinking that maybe I haven’t met that man yet. Do I know anyone like him? And the answer was Jason. I was thoroughly confused as I felt that I was being thrown in for a loop — from marriage not being for me to wanting to marry a guy like Jason?
This is when I faced my brokenness. The truth is, I claimed that marriage was not for me because I was extremely terrified of this vocation. When you grow up in a household with constant arguments, abuse and pain, the last thing you want is to have history repeat itself. Because this was my only account of marriage, unconsciously my mind wanted nothing to do with this vocation. I prayed fervently because it became clear to me that I had made a mistake. At the same time, I knew that running back to Jason wasn’t going to fix my brokenness so God sent me a friend who pushed me to go for counselling.
Counselling, in my mind at that time was for crazy people. I bought into the stigma of counselling and felt afraid to go but at the same time, something pulled me to it and I knew that I wasn’t going to move forward if I didn’t do something differently. After several counselling sessions (and I mean $1,000+ worth of counselling), I was able to uncover so many fears and skewed perspectives in my life.
After several months of healing, it became clear that marriage was indeed for me. My desire to travel became the perfect escape route but if I really had to be honest with myself, I let go of a man that I truly loved. In realizing this mistake, I found my way back to Jason and am happy to say that we have been married for 1 year! Do I regret the break-up? Truthfully no because I also learned that I needed to become whole before I could give myself to another. As hard as facing my brokenness was, it was one of the best things I ever did.
