Batman Versus Superman Versus a Competent Enjoyable Blockbuster that Could Have Been
The cast of ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice’ said a few days ago in response to early negative press that they made the film for the fans, not the critics. Did they though? Having seen it last night, I feel as though they made this movie for the all the suckers out there who will buy a ticket (preferably an IMAX and/or 3D ticket) simply because the two most iconic superheroes of all time appear on the poster.
What will happen next is that this relentless, loud and long movie will pummel these poor bastards into submission, until the nonstop incoherent, Transformers-style action has fried their brains to mush, making most of them too numb and exhausted to warn their friends not to see this crap. At least I think that may be the con at play here.
Here are some of the movie aspects I can talk about I guess…
The story: Instead of making the most of its two and a half hours by starting up the story right away, ‘Batman V Superman’ begins with an artsy, slo-mo retelling of Bruce Wayne’s parents’ murder. “Hold up? Batman’s parents got killed? This credit sequence totally informs me of how I’m going to feel about this character for the rest of the movie…” said no one in any audience this weekend.
So Superman is controversial now what with all the thousands of deaths he directly caused in Man of Steel, and so a committee of government assholes (who might secretly be the good guys?) wants him to be accountable for all of the crazy destructive shit he seems to do all the time. And it took them like two years to get to this point apparently. Meanwhile nutso billionaire Lex Luthor has collected some pieces of Kryptonite, which he plans to weaponize to use against you know who. Batman has weird dreams involving bug people. One is a particularly long sequence and I have no idea what it was about. Bruce Wayne finds out who Wonderwoman is and sends her an email with shamelessly shoed-in video clips of other Justice League members that will presumably appear in that movie. The Flash is real fast, Aquaman has fantastic hair, and some other guy gets turned into a computer or something. Actually, you know what? Superman is really fast too. Isn’t The Flash then kind of just a lamer version of Superman who can’t do as much shit? Whatever.
Anyway, like you thought would happen, Lex tricks The Dark Knight and Man of Steel into duking it out. But just in case they figure their shit out and turn on him, which they do, he needs a backup plan. So Lex Luthor goes into General Zod’s Kryptonian ship from ‘Man of Steel.’ He gets the remains of Zod and cuts his own hand to bleed on the guy, then he uses some kind of Frankenstein lightning machine to turn the corpse into a huge orc thing that apparently is called “Doomsday.” Look, maybe if we had a smart scientist man with glasses on hand to, you know, tell us that this is a thing that is possible, I’d be alright with it. But no glasses, I’m not biting.
With the aid of bad, blurry CGI on their side, the angry “good” guys fight Doomsday. For so very, very long. Oh, and before they get to trading punches, when Doomsday is just jumping around destroying buildings on his own, a news anchor is kind enough to inform us that at least it’s after working hours so the city is almost deserted. 1. That’s not how cities work. 2. That’s not how the news works. 3. But I guess if that is how cities and news stations in the DC universe work that at least solves Man of Steel’s whole collateral damage issue…
The cast: Henry Cavill is once again generally boring as Superman. Ben Affleck is sort of good — at least in the scenes he sort of gets to act — as Bruce Wayne/Batman. Gal Gadot is solid enough as Wonderwoman, and Jesse Eisenberg hits an all-time low as this film’s obnoxious, schizo take on Lex Luthor. No, it’s not just that the character is annoying in this movie, the performance itself is way over the top (yes, even for this very confused film that constantly seems in conflict with itself) and just very, very bad. And Holly Hunter does a nice job with what she’s given as a senator who wants Superman to answer to the American government for his actions.
I’m not really a comic book fan, but I enjoy a lot of these movies because (guess what?) most of them are crafted to be enjoyable. Not every one is great, but when they go right they can be corny and fun like Richard Donner’s 1978 ‘Superman,’ or ‘The Avengers,’ or even genuinely interesting and cinematically exciting like Christopher Nolan’s ‘Batman’ films. So far though, Mr. Nolan’s superhero flicks have been the only ones to take themselves so very seriously and actually earn it through filmmaking craft. For everyone else it’s best (especially when dealing with ridiculous superpowers) to throw in a joke or two for good measure. There’s maybe three or four (bad) jokes in this 152 minute film. More to the point, even the lesser Marvel movies of recent years are still generally harmless and watchable, and Zack Snyder wouldn’t know real entertainment if it punched him in his stupid tone-deaf brain.
I don’t care how much money this movie makes this weekend. It has Batman and Superman. Of course it will. I’m guessing it’s not gonna do so hot the next week after all the nerds have bat-smacked the water coolers off their stands though…
Saying I’m not a fan of this movie is insufficient. You know that awkward, passive reaction you probably have when someone tells you they’re a Trump supporter? That’s how I’m going to respond when someone tells me they liked ‘Batman V Superman.’
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