Gods of Egypt — “Review”
Let me tell you what this movie is about. Come on, it’ll be fun.
So it’s ancient Egypt, right? And the king Osiris (Bryan Bloom, who is Australian, not Egyptian) is tired or something so he’s gonna pass the crown down to his son Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, who is Danish, not Egyptian). But hey lookout cause Osiris’ brother, Gerard Butler (who is Scottish, not Egyptian, but does one of those Liam Neeson not-quite-sure-where this guy’s-supposed-to-be-from growly voices for this movie) wants all the power and immortality and stuff for himself. Asshole. So Gerard kills his bro and blinds his nephew and takes over Egypt and is really mean.
Meanwhile Brenton Thwaites (who is Australian, not Egyptian) is a charming young thief who wants to marry his cute girlfriend (Courtney Eaton, who is so Australian she was in the last ‘Mad Max’ movie) but that gets complicated when her dick boss Rufus Sewell (who is English, not Australian) shoots her dead with an arrow from about two miles away. Sounds like my last job, am I right? So what’s a charming young thief to do but steal the eyes of exiled god Horu (from a tomb I imagine the producers of the last ‘Mummy’ movie probably would have said looked too corny) and use them to bribe the wingman (get it?) into helping you to grab your special lady back from the underworld path before she’s all dead?
So Horus and Brenton Thwaites set off to do important things and then at one point Horus takes them up to the space blimp where Geoffrey Rush (who is Australian, not Egyptian) shows up as Horus’ dad to chew some scenery and fire a rocket-launcher staff (Monty Python style, baby) at a huge grouper fish that’s trying to swallow the earth (which is flat, naturally). Also along for the revenge/save the girlfriend quest are Elodie Yung (who is French, not Egyptian) as a hot god groupie and Chadwick Boseman (who is American, not Egyptian) as a flamboyant riddle-solver with plenty of clones who is monologuing about what makes lettuce work when we meet him.
A few things I’d like to add to the above description: This film was actually directed by an Egyptian, Alex Proyas, who once upon a time made ‘The Crow’ and ‘Dark City’ and more recently made ‘I-Robot’ and ‘Knowing.’ Also this movie has just about the worst CGI since ever and when shit gets real between Horus and his uncle they turn into cartoon transformers (not kidding, that’s exactly what it looks like) to duke it out. ‘Gods of Egypt’ is unfathomably dumb. Like dumber than ‘Transformers’ dumb. Like dumber than ‘Twilight’ dumb. I’m talking the lovechild of Tommy Wiseau and Neil Breen makes a movie dumb. Welcome to Hollywood, motherfucker.
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