The Dog Princess — Chapter I
In which we learn of Prince Hartwell’s quandary
Once upon a time we do not know or remember, there lived a king and queen who ruled the small kingdom of Helden. They had five sons named Hounslow, Hennessy, Hartley, Hudson and Hartwell, and through a combination of good genes and sheer luck, all five of them were quite handsome, but Hartwell, the youngest, was the most handsome of all.
The king and queen loved Hartwell very much, much more than their other children. He never wanted for anything and always had his way: whenever he misbehaved or made unreasonable demands, all he had to do was turn his beautiful blue eyes to the queen for her to relent. Soon enough, there wasn’t a nanny left in the kingdom who was willing to look after Hartwell, although of course most of them had no choice in the matter.
Like all his brothers, Hartwell grew into a young man of spectacular beauty and equally spectacular arrogance. However, while Hartwell’s brothers were skilled in all the arts of war and some besides — Hartley did make some wonderful pottery in his spare time — Hartwell had all the talent of a blind warthog. His father put him in the care of all the best masters, fencing champions, skilled archers and seasoned war veterans, but Hartwell remained hopelessly inept. This represented a problem, since the kingdom prided itself on being the birthplace of great warriors, regardless of the fact that it hadn’t been at war in over a century, due to the establishment of a complex set of inter-kingdom treaties and the creation of a single-currency system.
One by one, Hartwell’s brothers were married off to eligible princesses and went on to represent masculine strength and valour in battle and reinforce commercial relations with neighbouring kingdoms. By the time Hartwell turned eighteen, still unable to shoot a dead deer five paces away or tie his own boots, his father had grown restless.
“We must do something about the boy” he told his queen.
The queen made the face she always made whenever the king tried to talk about Hartwell. This time, however, the king was undeterred. “You know we must. We must find somebody who will take him. It will not do to be the only unmarried son of the Warrior King, and there are only so many excuse I can come up with for never bringing him to inter-kingdom games.”
“You’re hardly an actual Warrior King, are you now, dear.”
“You see my point.”
The queen sighed. “I do” she said. “I will talk to Master Hemingway tomorrow.”
Master Hemingway, the kingdom’s Head of Pleasantries and the man behind the other four princes’ successful matches, was perfectly aware of the situation. “My queen” he said. “I have long begun the search for a suitable bride, but may I be frank?”
“I thought your name was Hemingway.”
“I appreciate your grace’s humour. May I…?”
“Come out with it, Master” sighed the queen.
“I have been turned down by all but one kingdom, your grace. They were all most courteous about it, of course: nobody wishes to offend your graces by saying outright that prince Hartwell is an undesirable match for their daughters.”
“Because he isn’t, Master. My son is the bearer of a great name and even greater seed.”
“Your son, my queen, will not eat his meat unless somebody cuts it for him. Nobody wants a son-in-law who behaves like a man-sized toddler at the dinner table.”
The queen pursed her lips.
“Most worryingly, though, they all seem to have run out of princesses. Duchesses, countesses and marchionesses abound, but princesses are in short supply. Your grace produced five sons and we have managed to place four out of five with another princess. Prince Hartwell might have to settle for a lower-ranked woman. Unless…”
“Unless…?”
“I said I have been turned down by all but one kingdom” said Master Hemingway. “We have at least one taker. But your grace will not like it, and neither will Prince Hartwell.”
“Princess Philomena? Of Petris?”
The queen gave a curt nod. “She is the only one available.”
“But she is…”
“Ugly, I know.”
“Ugly enough that her family stopped circulating her portrait years ago. Even with all the embellishments of the case, painters could not disguise the fact that she is a most unsightly girl. Ugly enough to be called the Dog Princess.”
“But she is an only child, and she stands to inherit the kingdom from her father.”
“Hartwell will not agree to the match.”
“Hartwell will do as he is commanded” said the queen, with uncharacteristic hardness. “But I will see that he be persuaded to go ahead without throwing a tantrum.”
“He and his brothers used to make fun of Philomena during official visits” moaned the king. “She will refuse him.”
“She won’t. She can’t. She’s nearly eighteen, too, and no one else will have her. Hartwell is a beautiful boy and might give her beautiful children. Or at least less ugly ones.”
“We might as well go talk to him” said the king. “We’ll want to freshen up on that birds and bees talk before he gets into bed with her.”
