Some Thoughts on 40
Reflections on my journey..
I was 40 last month.
How does it feel? Well, the next day I played football as part of the practicals for the FA coaching course (spent 3 weekends making the 30 mins drive down to Waltham Cross), which I eagerly signed up for as one of Zachs’ coaches.
Afterwards, I regretted my zealousness.
Four decades on earth became too real. My joints felt stiff, inner thighs became tender (please don’t laugh), even my toenails were so sore, I thought they were going to pop out of my feet. And oh my poor back; it felt like an angry masseuse trampled all over them. “All this pain just because I chased a 5cm ball on an astroturf”; I wondered aloud as I downed paracetamol later that evening with the last Caprisonne in the house.
Mikaila also wanted to know how 40 felt. Let me just say there’s truth in the cliche; I’ve grown wiser.
I’ve always been a dreamer. When I was fifteen (or it could have been sixteen), and I was home for the short Easter breaks from my boarding school, Command Ipaja, I spent my days faffing away in the bedroom downstairs (this used to be known as the ‘Uncle’s room’). One particularly hot Sunday afternoon, I was listening to Rick Dees top 40 countdown on our loyal black transistor radio, then drifted away to fantasising about life as a ‘grown-up’ and came up with my elaborate plans.
Back then, time was nothing. I had all the space in the world to lay out a detailed vision of the path I would follow. Naturally, everything was mapped out – including the many things to achieve – at different stages (Truth be told, I wanted to buy loads of stuff. Like an air-con unit in Uncles room so I could stop sweating in the night like a condemned Ileya ram).
One thing I can say now without fear of contradiction; never trust your fifteen-year-old-self.
Because as it happens, all the things my young self use to daydream about — are just not that important to me. Also, life has a funny way of throwing surprises, which you can’t fully account for.
Speaking of surprises, I vividly recall when I was 29; I got a dream job in Bermuda (my friends threw a surprise party at Water Margin at O2, which sadly closed last December). To me, at the time, the opportunity was the stuff of wildest dreams; leaving the wishy-washy U.K weather behind to work in a location where I could walk a whole five minutes from the office to the pink sandy beach, was clearly a no-brainer decision.
Two weeks later, heading down to Hamilton street with my new colleagues, we were mugged in broad daylight.
The assailant promised to shoot us in the face if we didn’t hand our valuables. I only had the keys to my apartment and my phone in my pocket. Thankfully, no one was hurt.
Unexpected Emotions
Another of the amazing benefits of spending two scores on earth is that you now have a sizeable ‘past’ to reflect on. What statisticians call an appropriate sample size.
My surprising gradual discovery is that; you don’t always feel the way you expect to feel.
The best example to describe this phenomenon is the day my wife and I welcomed our first child. Yes we were more than happy. In fact, we were delirious with joy. Nonetheless, those feelings were expected.
Relief is what I didn’t expect.
A huge sense of respite was the strongest emotion of the day. It appeared in the form of a sweet release to finally get off the emotional rollercoaster ride the last few days had been. And it washed over me in an overpowering way, like the scent from a broken bottle of perfume.
Now, when I find myself either expecting something positively tremendous or otherwise, I think; I’m sure there are unexpected emotions awaiting me. Usually, this turns out to be true.
Happiness as a journey
As I’ve grown older, I’ve become more inclined to believe happiness is intentional. Being happy is not a passive state that would simply happen. It usually meant my personal involvement, action or permission was required. I had control (at least to some degree).
Also, I found more opportunities and avenue to be joyous. The simple things.
Like putting a smile on the face of a loved one, or enrolling in a writing course because it makes me cheerful when I bring words to life. Or discovering a old letter from my dad.
I’m more at peace and at ease with everything around me. And I intend to keep it that way.
Fast forward to my birthday week, Miks has the genius idea to take us to a restaurant we saw featured on MasterChef (Sophie Pic), some weeks back. It was a very thoughtful act which made me delighted.
Relationships are nurtured
Over the years, I’ve been blessed to have meaningful connections, to quite a few people. However, the relationships I’ve enjoyed most are those that have not been neglected. The ones where where both parties involved have put in the work.
As it happens, relationships are just like seeds. They need to be watered.
Special gratitude to all my friends and loved ones who have enriched me in one way or the other. And special gratitude goes to my family.
Kindness to myself
Finally, birthdays can induce existential angst because it’s natural to take stock. But if you ask me what’s been my greatest achievement so far, Seneca’s quote comes to mind:
“What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.”
I’m kinder and gentler to moi même. Cheers to another 40.
