Empathy Blockers — What Are They, Why Should You Avoid Them, And What To Do Instead? | Paper Pinecone

Empathy gives us the ability to see things from another’s perspective so we can understand their feelings. Having and showing empathy allow us to respond appropriately to a situation by meeting a person’s emotional needs.

An adult may text, call, or email and say they need to vent, or share a struggle they’re going through with you. But children don’t necessarily have the same tools or the same capacity to do that. What you might see as negative attention-seeking is actually a form of communication from your child. A child fighting with a sibling may need alone time with a parent. Another exaggerating an tiny injury may need some extra cuddles. An another may show off or demand you “watch this” for the millionth time may be looking for a self-esteem boost.

It’s critical that parents respond to, and meet these needs, whenever possible.

What are Empathy Blockers?

Empathy blockers are words that seek to distract from the situation and force someone to move on from it, whether or not they’re ready to. They’re often used by people in an attempt to protect someone else from emotional pain. “Everything happens for a reason” — it’s said to children and adults alike. We use it when we don’t know what to say and we’re trying to make someone feel better. But, in reality, we’re communicating that the person shouldn’t feel sad, or angry, or slighted, and that they should simply accept the situation and quickly move past their emotions. When we use empathy blockers with children, we stunt their emotional growth, but when we help them work through challenging situations, we they build resilience and develop emotional maturity.

Examples of Empathy Blockers:

Empathy blockers are often used unwittingly and regularly. They seem totally normal, especially when one’s own parents used them frequently.

Some of the most common empathy blockers taken from Robin Grille’s book Parenting for a Peaceful World are:

Some of the most common empathy blockers taken from Robin Grille’s book Parenting for a Peaceful World are:

Moderating: When parents use a moderate tone and try to calm things down.

• Come on, don’t cry.
• It’s certainly not that bad!

Denial: Completely denying of the thing your kid is emotional about.

• Nothing is wrong with you
• You have nothing for you to be unhappy about
• Everything is fine

Reasoning: Providing certain reasons

The Positive Spin: Showing needless optimism.

• Look at the bright side.
• Everything happens for a good reason

Expectation: Showing your child that you expected differently.

• You should have known better
• Get over yourself
• Pull yourself together
• It’s not such a big deal

Put Down: Degrading children is probably the most dangerous of the empathy blockers. They completely destroy a child’s confidence and self-worth in the long run.

• Don’t be ridiculous
• You’re being silly
• Don’t act so foolishly

Labeling: Giving labels to your children.

• You are being over-sensitive
• Don’t be so immature
• Don’t act like a baby

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Originally published at https://www.paperpinecone.com on May 13, 2020.