On wanting to be right

I believe one of the must under noted dynamics in teams — and, if we’re honest, in every human relationship — is the need most us have to be right.

We like to be heard, and to have other people agreeing with our opinions.
And when that doesn’t happen, we’ll argue to try to convince others of our point of view.

In product teams, we argue about what should have higher priority, how a feature should be implemented, who’s responsibility is that decision, and so on…

At least until a certain point, there’s nothing wrong with that: we all have different points of view, and different opinions are crucial to reach good decisions.

The problem though, is not in having these discussions, but in the energy we put into being right, proving we are right, and fighting to be right.

The problem is the amount of effort we take to convince others, without frankly trying to hear each other’s point of view.

Sounds a cliché? It’s because it is…

An unnoticed but impactful dynamic

I believe this is much of a hidden dynamic. And one that creates some level of conflict and divergence between team members, also decreasing the feeling of a safe space for others to speak as well.

It’s a dynamic, that even if subtle, it impacts teams chemistry, mood and productivity.

The reason for this happening probably varies — and psychologists have wrote full books just on this topic— but, we are probably correct to say that this can come from stress, frustration, lack of confidence, and/or a need for love and approval.

But, we’re wrong to believe this only happens to people at the start of their careers: it happens to all sorts of professionals (well, humans in general), from rookies to executives in top companies.

How to improve this?

Well, first of all, there are things that just reading a blog post is not enough to change in us: it takes a deeper level of introspection and work that it’s not possible by reading a short text.

But there are “techniques” that I believe that can help us have healthier discussions, and which I have been trying to apply myself. Techniques that help us spend less time in trying to be right, fighting to be right, proving that we’re right.

Awareness

The first one is awareness: to be aware when we’re being defensive, or that we’re focused too much in convincing others of our point of view. This is the first step and the most important one. Without it, we’ll never be able to shift from our old behaviors.

Then, how do we become more aware?

Honestly, there’s no easy answer. But, what works for various people is to have a reflection habit: to pause and reflect on past situations, specially soon after it happens. You can do this by writing on a journal for example.

Other method to improve awareness is the practice of meditation, with various studies pointing this as one of its (many) benefits.

Being self-aware makes it easier for us to spot events while they’re happening. In this case, it makes it easier for us to notice when we’re in this state of trying to prove we’re right or being defensive in some way.

Sense of wonder

Other technique I have been taught is to adopt a sense of wonder.

Wonder was explained to me by giving the example of a child: kids move throughout the world saying “hmm, I wonder how this works/smells/feels?”, and “hmm, I wonder what happens if I touch here or do this?”.

In our case, wonder is a sense of curiosity to others point of view, opinion, and how they’re thinking. A sense of curiosity about why their solution is better, or why X task should have higher priority, etc

Not only this is good for us, but also to others around us: I believe that making questions is one the best ways to inquire someone about their train of thought, without sounding demeaning:

For example, to tell someone “Do you believe blue is the best colour for this page? Have you tried yellow or green?”, can be received very differently vs saying “Blue is not the best colour for this.”

In other words, wonder is a shift towards wanting to learn more about something, to be open and curious, vs putting the effort into convincing others that we’re right.

Now, is this easy to apply? Of course not.

But as I mentioned, I believe that this dynamic — or the lack of it — plays an important role in teams chemistry, mood and productivity.

Being leaders — be that in product teams or in life — requires us to be open, and frank to others points of view. It requires us to accept that our way may not be the best way — that actually there can be other, better, and actually super interesting approaches. And that’s a great and marvelous thing.