Bow, Arrow and a Heavy Heart
Dear Liz,
I hope you never see this letter or even know it exists. The fizzling daylight peeking like a child through the partings of my curtains shall be the sole witness to my pain. Only these intruding rays will ever know of the river of tears I drown in every day. And only these tiny letters forever etched from my heart into these bits of crumpled paper shall know of the hidden truth.
I can never be over you. No matter how much I act like I’m back to normal, everything I think of still screams your name. Even though my fingers have never felt your warmth, it yearns for your gentle touch. My head throbs in anticipation and pain when I think of you. My heart pumps you into each and every part of my body that isn’t already screaming your name out in glee.
I dreamt of you. I still dream of you. And I will always dream of you, no matter how broken I am.
I wish I could cut a little piece out of the thin blanket of light that keeps peeking over my shoulder, and smear it over this paper. Maybe it might tell you about how utterly obsessed I am with you.
The secrets I buried would dance in the joy of finally escaping from its metal cage. The number of times I would just stare at the bright orange painted over the dusky sky in the sandy beach, and just think of you is uncountable.
The reds and oranges would just swirl like a whirlpool and I would flap around helplessly trying to escape from thoughts of you, while the street vendors yelled.
“Roasted Peanuts for Sale, Fresh Roasted Peanuts,” their voice fell on my deaf ears.
The only thing I wanted to hear was your voice.
Not a day passes by when I wish that I hadn’t fallen so deep into you, and gotten lost. You gave me everything to love about life. When you finally walked away you took a tiny piece of me with you. But just the one that mattered the most. Now my life has become a constant search for something else to fill that screaming void.
Underneath the night sky, I’ve danced so many times. The moonlight would be held firm in my hands, and we’d dance on top of my tears and pain. That little tune you always used to hum would fill my head. The moonlight would slowly shimmer into you, brushing it’s cold fingertips against my cheeks. I would raise my fingers to gently stroke the nape of your neck. And then the illusion would just disappear.
My heart died over and over again. It was all just a secret between the light, the stars and me. It’s in an ocean of the very same light that I’ve danced and daydreamed thousands of times, that I’m dipping this paper into. Each and every part tells a different story that’s going to be hidden from you forever. I lost you so long ago and I’m not sure I can ever find you again.
I dreamt of you. I still dream of you. And I’ll always dream of you, even through all the pain.
But just tell me this one thing. Have you ever thought of me as much as I’ve thought of you? Have you ever stayed fixed to the phone during new years eve in hopes of a call or message from me? Or was it just me?
Actually, I don’t need the answer to that. Let the answer to that be something else that life’s taken away from me.
I lost that part of myself that looked towards to what life had in store for me a long time ago. I’m not sure whether I can find it again. I’m not sure it matters anymore. Maybe it’s just better this way.
You took away the light of my life. And it’s so hard to live in this constant darkness.
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If you are still obsessing over the above letter, here is something similar.
