All ‘Bi’ Myself : A tale from within the closet

I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to out myself to everyone. Every pride month. The day when they disbanded Section 377. Every time people acted like being with a man and marrying a man was the only choice I had. That last one was funny to me. I mean imagine it.

Ma: “You gotta learn to cook for your husband”

Me: “Well maybe I want a wife, ma”

Ma:….

Me:….

I’d probably be disowned. Why do I know this? Well because I see my dad discussing his lovely homophobic thoughts every time the word gay is mentioned in the news of course.

But my family isn’t what this story is about. This is about college.

I’ve known I was bi for around seven years or so. Since I knew the word existed. Since i knew there was a term for what I was, and that it was valid.

That I wasn’t crazy. I liked girls AND boys. Double trouble. Yay me.

And I knew I wanted to come out to people for about two years now. I still haven’t quite had the strength, as is obvious from the anonymity of this post. I was close many times. I didn’t mind the people at college knowing. Not really.

What I minded was the fact that they’d spread the news. To parents. Parents who knew mine.

THAT would ruin my life.

It’s really hard to choose who is safe and who is not, to come out to. Around three or four people in my life know this big ass secret of mine. Another two people have been told, but part of me still believes they think I was joking. I never really clarified, because that conversation was hard enough the first time.

I still remember the time I came out to my best friend. It was around a year back and I had contemplated the issue twelve times in my head. She was fairly conservative and we had never really talked about the LGBT community so I had zero idea how she was gonna react.

You know that “typing….” notification that drives you crazy wondering what the other person is gonna say to you? That was me with my best friend. Because I was a wuss to do it in person, I had texted her about it. “Hey. I have something to tell you. I’m bisexual.”

She replied, “I’m so sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell this to me before”. And if you’re reading this right now, babe, that reply of yours made me cry. It was the most perfect thing you could say.

I mean, I was worried as f**. For the many years I’ve been in college, I have only heard icky comments along the lines of “Ew gay people”. It’s not that many of my batchmates hate gay people, it’s just that many of them are uncomfortable by the notion that a gay person might be in their proximity. And it’s a really odd feeling, to face these thoughts your classmates have, when you're one of the people they might be uncomfortable with.

For example, there was this one time that my gang of girls were behaving like absolute dorks. We were giving each other smoochy faces for no reason and being general idiots. What I remember about that day is the nervous laughter my friend gave when someone joked about me and her being lesbians. And she was one of the progressive ones. It was just a joke, but the disgusted look on her face wiped off all my hopes of ever coming out to her. And that means, by association, all my other friends too would never be privy to these significant detail about me.

You see, if I do come out to them, that means I could lose out on hugs, on general proximity. They could shut me out. No more weird secrets, no more smoochy faces, no sleepovers and possibly no more sitting together in class too. All because they think I might be attracted to them.

That’s something I don’t want to risk. I don’t want to lose my friends.

I can’t deny I don’t notice girls. I do. I check them out, I’m like “hey, she’s hot”. In fact one of the more hilarious things I have to deal with is that: Am I obsessed with that girl because I want to be her? Or because I want to be her girlfriend?

This question drives me absolutely crazy.

So yes, I can’t deny that I check out the booties. I check guys out too, just a PSA. I’m not gay, I’m bi. Bi means both. Adam AND Eve, thank you very much.

BUTT, (hehe), I am not attracted to my friends. They’re just friends. That’s the point. And I wish they’d understand that in some magical way. Perhaps through this article.

That’s the point here, my friends. Although acceptance is growing, please just take a moment out of your life to ensure that locally, you have contributed to creating a safe space for people like me. Now I’m not asking you to make heavy proclamations or go to Pride marches or yell “ LGBT. HECK YEAH!!!!” from our amphitheater or something, just that you know this.

Gay jokes are amaze and all. But when you make them, and there’s uncomfortable laughter, a person like me wilts inside.

Just one more day hiding in the closet.

Just one more day of not being entirely me.

One more day of being part of the LGBT.