Going Home (2/2)
Before you read this story, find out what happened so far on Going Home (1/2).
Part 5:
Sometimes, it feels as if time flies. Sometimes, it feels as if it crawls. I have lost count of time now. It feels like I was born this way now. Like I’ve always been falling. Like the ocean has always been calling me with its gentle ripples.
Has this been my life all along?
And when I close my eyes, it feels like nothing has ever really changed.
I can feel my entire life just playing before me in a sequence.
The happiness makes my brain explode.
The sadness makes my heart die.
The nervousness makes my stomach hurl.
The anger makes my veins burst.
The yearning makes my soul pine.
What if I never really jumped a while ago? What if I had jumped a long while ago, and was experiencing my life in a loop all this while? Is that why everything seemed so familiar and inane?
Had I already experienced all this before? That would explain the deja vus. Did I already know that Natanya would reject me because I had already been rejected? Was the voice in my head me from the future?
Am I just replaying the past without the ability to change anything?
Is this also just a replay of the past?
Has this also already finished happening?
Is this why I’ve always felt like I had no choice in everything, and that I’ve been trapped in a glass cage with the only option to experience all of this while screaming in vain?
Was I really nothing more than a memory?
Suddenly, everything seemed much scarier. And I did not even know whether it was a thought I had then or a thought I had even before.
Part 6:
Memories are the most beautiful possessions of man. And experiences are the most tragic.
I wish I could put all my memories into a glass jar, and keep living it over and over again.
And I wish I could forget all my experiences in life.
Life has given me beautiful memories. Beautiful people. Beautiful joys. I remember how I used to have so much fun with my friends. Those beautiful memories of time taking a stop as I used to talk with Natanya about everything under the eternal sun. Memories of waking up in the morning and going to play football with my chettan. Memories of eating my favorite uzhunnu vadas made by my ma in Sunday mornings. Memories of my pa taking me out to buy me new clothes and toys.
Every time I recall a memory, it feels like it lasts forever. I’d drown in them if I could, just to feel a little closer to it. But in a corner of my mind, it feels like it never happened. It scares my soul to think that these never happened.
Sometimes I wish I could grab a time machine so I could revisit the past. To talk once again to all my childhood friends I swore to always talk with. To talk with the long-forgotten crush that I swore to marry. To finally be beside my family again.
Did everything I remember even occur?
I don’t know.
And it scares me.
But experiences are the worst. It’s all a lie that you don’t even know about. When you are in that moment, you feel as if nothing could ever go wrong. You begin to feel as if it’s always going to be the same. Chances are, it's not. The people you promise to spend the rest of your life with will probably go away. The best friends you have will soon be replaced. The lovers you have now will soon leave you. Your parents who you think will be beside you forever will soon pass away.
The memories become sweeter than the cold-hearted liar that experiences are.
The past scars, the present lies, and the future promises.
I wish life was a feel good movie or a novel where everything somehow always works out in the end.
But nope.
Life reminds me of you, chetta.
In your diary you wrote:
“Nothing makes me want to live like my little tom-boy sister.”
“Even when every day makes living even more of a chore, I can always count on her to make my life a little more bearable”.
When I read those words as a teen, I realised that nothing was ever how it seemed.
I desperately chased after the rainbow of colors you were. I chased the rainbow till I reached where it began. Only to find out that it's empty there. The closer you get, the fainter the rainbow becomes. And when you finally reach where it is supposed to begin, there’s nothing else there.
It was just the same old emptiness we all carried within ourselves.
The secret was in the end, creating your own colours.
That’s also life, I later realised. The closer I got, the more it stinks.
Some people have the most beautiful of smiles.
And they all come from the emptiest of spaces.
Part 7:
I’m still falling. The sky has cleared up. And now I’m left wondering whether it really rained. Did the sky really cry in the pain of separation? Or was it something I imagined?
We really do have the funniest memories about the past.
It was one of the most startling things to realise. Whatever I thought was the truth, wasn’t the truth. It was just how I remembered the truth to be.
Did I really hallucinate about seeing you at random places, chetta? Or was this something I just convinced myself was the truth just to not feel like I forgot you?
I open my eyes. The ocean seems closer than ever before. It's calling out to me. Inviting me.
I’m falling again.
I’m falling all into you.
Just like how I did with Natanya.
Part 8:
I loved you so much, Tanya.
More than words can ever express.
I loved you because I never wanted to forget you.
I loved you because I always wanted you beside me.
But it wasn’t meant to be. A woman could never be with another woman, you said.
But I did.
I loved you so much.
My lips trembled whenever I saw you. It still does when I think of you.
My heart yearned for you whenever I saw you. It still does when I think of you.
My ears craved for your voice as sweet as honey. It still does when I think of you.
All those late night conversations we used to have, wrapped together under one blanket with just the fabric of our clothes separating us from each other's warmth was the one thing I looked forward to every day.
My straight hair would get lost in your thick curls, getting so lost that we’d have to spend almost an eternity trying to untangle our hair.
My head would rest against your chest, yearning for comfort. And you gave it to me. You’d gently run your fingers through my scalp and I felt like I was back with my father. He’d run his thick fingers charred with cigarette stains, lovingly through my hair just like you.
When we slept, you’d put your legs around me and pull me closer. I’d feel the hot air coming from you puffing at me. Our foreheads would touch. And I’d fall deeper into you.
Remember when you came one day, with your mascara a mess? You were crying because you found your boyfriend was cheating on you.
I remember putting my arms over your shoulder and trying to comfort you.
Then you stopped crying and looked into my eyes. Like a predator meeting its prey, you rammed your lips right into me.
Bare flesh met each other. The predator in me was also let loose.
We completed that day.
It was the happiest memory ever.
Do you remember how we would bunk out of the hostel room at night, and go sit together under the great big tree outside our college campus? Our fingers would intertwine and we’d stay up with your head on my knees.
I would run my hands all over your thighs and you would futilely try to stop me. But it had no effect. You were all mine. And the night sky was the only witness.
How I wish I could relive that memory over and over again. The present really was the biggest liar. Then, I felt like you’d never fall out of love with me.
But the past scars. And so did you.
You left me, afraid to come out of your shell in front of society.
Home never looked so far away.
Part 9:
Just as a cat has nine lives, it’s a sleight of hand from life that this is where it all ends. Home is almost near. I can feel it.
As I look up, I see the clear sky. I wonder, does it also cry because it yearns to come home to its daughter?
Is it jealous that I’m going to the place that it longed to go for so long?
Don’t you worry, sky. I’ll tell the ocean all sorts of stories about you. Just as I’m sure the ocean will tell me all sorts of stories about you.
I closed my eyes again. I felt the water drench me. I fell headfirst into it. Water got into my eyes, ears and mouth.
I eagerly breathed in the feeling of home.
All my life, I felt that my soul was the loneliest being out there. It saw everything. It felt everything. But never could anything feel it, or touch it. It was doomed to a life of observation, trapped in a glass cage. My soul was lonely.
But for the first time in my life, something touched my soul. The feeling of home. The water rushed to it in glee and wrapped it in its tender arms.
For one last time, I closed my eyes.
Finally, I’ll be home forever.
Life has finally come back to me in all colors, chetta.
We’re back together again.
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