SAYING HI TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD AUNTY (WORST. IDEA. EVER.)
Dear reader, let me get one thing straight. No matter who you are, or where you’re from, there’s ALWAYS this very annoying class of people in EVERY locality.
The Aunties.
There’s no denying it. We’ve all met them. And we all think they’re stupid.
Unless, of course, YOU are an Aunty. Should that be the case, CLOSE THE FILE! SCRAM! BEAT IT! This article contains graphic content, severely inappropriate for people above the age of 35.
These people, dear reader, are virtually IMPOSSIBLE to avoid. I’ll be going to the grocery store. Halfway there…
“Hello, kiddo!”
I freeze. There’s no turning back now. I’ve GOT to do it. So, I paste my best fake smile on my face and build a wall around my deepest, darkest secrets.
“Hi, Aunty!”
Three hours later, I reach the store. Of course, with my luck, I get stranded in the middle of two more Aunties. Four hours later, I’m on my way back. Lo and behold, another Aunty.
There’s a reason why I hate going shopping Mom.
After years of experiencing this meet-and-greet routine, I have come to the conclusion that there are mainly 5 types of Aunties. Let’s meet them, shall we?
1. MRS. DID-YOU-HEAR-ABOUT
Now, these are the most common kind of Aunties. These wonderful ladies are updated on every piece of gossip from who-knows-where, and strangely enough, this gossip will surely be about some person’s daughter. Lord knows where they get their information from, but doubt not reader- it will be accurate! These hawk-eyes are infused with the ability to unmask the secrets of any girl, boy, man, or woman, with just a look. These ladies will also know of EVERY sale within a radius of 15 km, which I admit, have come in handy, once. Maybe twice.
2. MRS. UNIMPRESSED
Let’s be honest here, these are the ladies that freak us out the most. No matter what you do, Mrs. Unimpressed ALWAYS manages rip out the bad side. Every conversation will be something like…
Me: Hi, Aunty, I got an internship!
Her: You’re not getting paid, are you?
Me: Well, no, but I also got a new scooter. See?
Her: There’s a scratch on the side.
Me: What, oh okay. I’m also studying in THE BEST UNIVERSITY OF INDIA!
Her: Management quota, right?
Me: I QUIT! I’M OUT OF HERE!
So annoying.
3. MRS. BRAG-A-LOT
Alright, if you see one of these ladies coming your way with a cheesy grin on her smug face, brace yourself, dear reader. Plug in those ear plugs and pray for mercy. She’s most likely bought another out-of-this-world TV set or a Carved-Ivory Make-Up Case. No matter what you get, she would have something bigger. And if she doesn’t, she’ll make sure that she gets one, which is bigger, better, and DEFINITELY more expensive. God knows where they get all that money from, but who are we to make assumptions about people, right?
4. MRS. EVIL-EYE
Okay. EVERY neighbourhood has got these ladies. They won’t let you do anything in peace! You’ll be very peacefully eating a samosa and going home, okay, when you meet this woman, who comes up and tells you, “Oh you’re eating a samosa? My husband died eating one of those.”
Death of the Humble Samosa.
You’ll be talking about a car. “Oh, you’re buying a car? My son’s best friend killed a baby goat with his car.”
Death of the Humble Motor Car.
You’ll be plans of a college trip with your parents, when this lady walks in and says, “Oh, you’re letting her go on a trip alone? My neighbour’s daughter eloped with her boyfriend during a college trip, you know.”
Death of Humble Yours Truly.
5. MRS. SWEETIE-McPATTIE
Now, unlike the other ladies, these ladies are literally, the nicest people you can find. They are the goddesses who make life bearable. And the best thing is, they can cook like Christina Tosi! Every time you meet her, she’ll have something nice for you. A cookie, a cupcake, a word of advise, whatever it may be, it’ll make us feel a whole lot better! She almost makes up for all the others! It doesn’t matter if they have crooked teeth, or thinning grey hair, or zits on her face… when she smiles at you, you will feel like you’re looking at the most beautiful woman on earth.
Well, be what it may, you’ve got to admit, these people are the ones that keep us going. They teach us to smile and laugh. In fact, you can’t deny that looking out for these vultur- I mean, ladies, really does put things into perspective. All you have to do is just tone down their words and concentrate only on the legit bits of their advices!
