THE TRAVESTY OF WEDDINGS : A GUIDE
SIDE NOTE: *Something about the whole thing being sarcastic and disclaimer here*
Today, I will teach you how to plan the ideal wedding (It really won’t be of any use) with a little help from the reigning champions of wedding planning, the Ambani family !
So to start off, be born into a very rich family. See, a rich family can conduct your wedding in the optimal way. For the last Ambani wedding, the bill was $100 million and footing it was no big deal. If that’s not possible then obviously we are in the worst case scenario to which there is only one solution. I will get to that solution later. For now hold tight.
Preparation starts young. For you young boys out there, start out by closely watching TV shows where the lead is a typically ‘hot’ man after whom all the ladies seem to go after. Don’t forget to take notes. That’s how you’ll be impressing the ladies later.
Now, some advice for the ladies we were talking about. Remember to notice the princesses in movies. Notice how gorgeous they are and strive for that level of perfection in your body even if it kills you.
As for a combined tip for both genders, learn the art of flirting. Pretty useful, if you ask me!
Now for the next step. You’ve grown a little older and have found your soulmate. No? Then a significant other is good enough. Still no? Then let’s just settle for someone you can stand for the rest of your life, I mean the wedding is more important than the marriage.
So here’s where I solve the aforementioned ‘worst case scenario’. The scenario where you aren’t born to a rich family. Just do what Shloka Mehta did when she decided to marry Akash Ambani. Pick a life partner from a rich family. It’s that simple! Granted Shloka was already from a more than well off family and picked her long time best friend, but let’s just try and ignore that!
Right. So now that that’s over, we finally get to the actual wedding. I’m just joking! Don’t worry, there’s a lot to plan before we even get to think about the wedding. First come the pre-events which are optional but of course who are we kidding? They’re not.
Obviously you’ll have to top the Harry Potter themed extravaganza that Akash Ambani had. It’s a difficult thing to do if you don’t have a wedding planner so you’ll have to consult the dreaded internet. You will worry about elegance and then wonder if you prefer something more modern. If you are confused it’s time to go talk to relatives. In no way will that leave you more confused. Fun right?
Great! You have finally reached the part where the actual advise on the wedding preparation formally starts. Bravo!
Try on clothes. Sari after sari, suit after suit. Listen to people compliment you, and insult you. Realise you care too much about what they care. Learn not to care and then immediately go ask your mum if you should put gel in your hair.
Personally invite every single person. According to the Ambani way, a flight must be charted for those who are not in the country (at least 20) but for your sake, booking their tickets for them will suffice. Realise you’ve forgotten to call your third cousin twice removed and start stressing out. Then get reminded that stress makes you look bad. And ergo you begin stressing out about being stressed.
Also READ : With Great Freedom Comes Great Uncertainty
Finally, smile because that’s what being married is about. Your happiness. Not of the guests you are trying so desperately to please, not of the future in-laws, but utterly entirely YOUR happiness. The same happiness that is holding you together by a thread. Keep your eyes cheery and warm as you silently wish you were at home. Alone. But with all that you keep smiling through it all.
And thus you have just held the best wedding ever. Don’t forget that preparation starts young! You have to make sure to have the perfect marriage or at the very least pretend to prime your kids excitement too!
