The Tenth Circle of Hell?
by Bryan M.
Sexually explicit content: Discretion advised.
Seeing as how it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re reading this article, you clearly need to put down your blow-up doll, lotion, and tissues and pay attention to what I have to say. You can masturbate after.
“The friend-zone is an inescapable hell hole in the middle of nowhere, where men go to die after they hear ‘I love you like a brother’”— Hopeless boy who continually whines about the friend zone on various forms of social media.
Is the friend zone honestly as bad of a place as that 15 year old (who is obviously 10 and just pretending) said on Facebook or Tumblr? The honest answer is that it’s far worse than you've ever imagined. Now I’m sure at this point the more naïve readers are asking: What’s the friend zone? Is it real?
Thankfully the friend zone is an easy concept to grasp: the friend zone is where women put their male friends who they would never have sex with. However, most men would check out anything that moves, and thus being placed in this zone is extremely detrimental.
The singular reason why the friend zone is hell on Earth is because your relationship status is always single in the friend zone. The Facebook option to change your status is gone, not even “it’s complicated” is there. It’s completely devoid of any hope for change: she thinks of you as a brotherly figure, and most siblings do not engage in recreational sex.
I like to think of a guy stuck in the friend zone as Prometheus: day after day the eagle returns every day to rip a part of him off, only to have it regrow over night so the sick cycle can continue. Prometheus has no hope: there is no light at the end of the tunnel. More opportunities, hope, and more optimism can be found in places like North Korea, a hospital room quarantined due to suspected Ebola, and the ghetto than in the friend zone.
Men have futilely attempted to escape this nether region for years, and the lucky select few who manage to hop the fence, avoid the dogs and mines, and finally swim across the sea to the “would potentially date at some point in time” zone are champions of social media. From a hell-hole to glory: men applaud the rare oddity that manages to claw his way back from the point of no return.
We respect their (obviously) massive genitalia, congratulate their perseverance, and forever enshrine their picture in the meme hall of fame as “the man who did it.”
The sad, unfortunate truth is that the majority of men have realized that the friend zone is the gallows for a romance. She just doesn't like you. Plain as day. You can never force her to change her mind.
Yet despite this, on top of the fact that Guantanamo Bay probably has more escapees than the friend zone, there are the select few, young, brave men who will continually try to change the mind of that special someone. The few who pick up the spoon to keep digging, believe that once they puncture the hard outer layer of solid rock, they’ll be home free.
However, the advice I have for all gentlemen out there is simple: stop trying so hard. You probably won’t change her mind.
Fret not, I am about to divulge a secret passed down from generation to generation on how to penetrate the walls of the friend zone. The feminist movement has portrayed the friend zone as an entirely male construct: an imaginary area we create within our minds in order to reconcile the fact that our grandfather with erectile dysfunction is more sexually active than we are. This is largely true. Thus,we simply need to switch our frame of mind.
Rather than thinking about her, think about the thousands of other women out there. The reason why you have been having difficulty establishing your dominance as an alpha male is because you have been chained into one room. Venture into unexplored territory, for example mothers. They’re easy. However, coming from one pair of XY to another: I understand the struggle, hang in there bud.
