It’s Amazing They Let Me Be A Parent

I remember when my first daughter, Olivia, was born in 2011. The first couple of days in the hospital were wonderful. My wife, Pam, was tired, but there were nurses who helped with most things — swaddling, changing diapers, and even feeding. It was exciting to be a new dad, and I loved holding Olivia as she slept in my arms.

I also remember pulling out of the parking lot and the 10-minute drive to get baby Olivia home. She looked so fragile in her car seat that I opted to take back roads instead of the highway for the short drive back to our house.

The transition from hospital to home felt like we were walking on a tightrope and suddenly there was no longer a safety net beneath us. Sure, we had help from our family, but it seemed so strange to me that “someone” would put me in charge of a newborn even though I was thoroughly unqualified. In most states, you need a license to drive a car. You need a license to fish. You need a license to cut hair. But you don’t need a license to be a parent. A few years prior I had wiped out an entire population of houseplants because I had forgotten to water them for so long, but I didn’t need to take a test or get anyone’s approval to be in charge of a baby.

Of course, billions of people have somehow figured out how to be parents, and Pam and I were no different. After a few weeks we had gotten baby Olivia into a routine of feeding, sleeping, and diaper changes. All of her basic needs were being met.

Once we had those basics under control, I started to wonder about what we were supposed to do as parents looking to raise a happy and healthy child. This is when things got interesting. I quickly learned there is no definitive guidebook when it comes to child rearing.

I had heard that TV was bad, so we mostly avoided it. That seemed like a no brainer, but I learned that plenty of my friends had no problem dropping their infant in front of a TV for a couple of hours so they could get some housekeeping done, cook dinner, or just relax for a while.

Reading stories was even fuzzier. I remember asking around to find out when we should start reading bedtime stories and got a wide range of answers. Some people said “around 1” was the right age. Others said “when the baby starts talking.” Finally, plenty of people said, “When she’s old enough to know what’s going on is when it’s worth it. Anything before then is probably a waste of time.” All of the people I spoke with were well-intentioned parents. They had access to information and no meaningful disadvantages to speak of, yet even they had massively different understandings of what they were “supposed” to be doing as parents.

Read child rearing books? Yes. Scoured the internet? Check. Spoken with family members? Of course. Asked friends with slightly older kids? You bet. Olivia will turn three next month. In her lifetime, Pam and I have rarely found any straightforward answers to what seem like straightforward questions: When should we start reading to her? We started at six months, but it looks like we should have started sooner. Be rid of a pacifier? We weaned her from it starting at age one and finally finished when she was a little over two years old. Ok to watch TV? We started allowing a little bit when she was 18 months old. Keeping “screen time” under control is on an ongoing effort, and there are some days when Olivia definitely watches far too much.

Overall, when it comes to something good (talking, reading, math, etc), I tend to start “too early” to err on the side of caution. I thought we still had plenty of time to start teaching her how to read, but I learned that some parents have 2.5 year olds that are well on their way to being independent readers. While I’ve counted with Olivia for a long time, I only started doing Bedtime Math with her at 2.5. I wish we lived on a street that would allow her to define her Radius of Play to include our front yard, but cars speed on our street and I’m still not comfortable letting her out there alone. We’re getting her a bike for her third birthday. Is that too late? Too soon? Who knows!

We probably start Olivia on some stuff too early. However, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that no one can give me the right answer, so I’d rather err on the side of caution. It is not that I am trying to be a Tiger Dad (I’m definitely not). Rather, I know for certain that Olivia has a window of opportunity for learning during the first few years of her life that we need to take advantage of. By the time she’s in pre-K she’ll still be able to learn, but some things will be much harder. Most importantly, I want her to develop a natural curiosity, love of learning, and a set of basic skills that will allow her do whatever she wants.

This piece was originally posted at VersaMe.com. VersaMe created the Starling the world’s first wearable engagement tracker that helps encourage and reinforce positive parenting behaviors.