Parental Regrets: What I Would Change?

The past can be a funny thing. We need to remember it in order to survive, but not too much — just enough to do better tomorrow without becoming immobilized by doubt or remorse. I’ve only been a parent for about four years now, but I’ve been amazed the amount of regret one can amass in such a short time in a role that’s so…natural.

Why is that? For starters, it’s the most scrutinized, criticized and picked-apart job in the world. It’s subject to both armchair critics and inner demons. Modern life can bog us down with conflicting op-eds and beautifully photographed “mommy blogs” to which our lives could seemingly never compare. All parents lose their tempers. All parents yell. All parents make mistakes and fall short. But the ironic thing is, without those mistakes, how would we know what situations to avoid tomorrow?

My first couple weeks back home as a new mom were some of the hardest in my life. I had either worked or gone to school nearly every day for the twenty years before I had my daughter. She was so beautiful, and I felt like I had just won the love lottery, but it was often a challenge just to gather my thoughts, plan my day, or control my emotions. Loneliness, hormones, worry, breastfeeding issues, lack of sleep, guilt and inadequacy ran my days. In particular, I was frazzled by outside opinions and comparisons.

Sometimes I fantasize about going back in time and taking charge of two things: my own needs and instincts as a mother, and the enjoyment of my time with my baby. I can look back at this episode in one of two ways: as a reason to regret, or as a reason to resolve.

But if I were to go back and change it, I wouldn’t even have that “reason” anymore, right? And because I had that experience, I now take extra care to avoid these things now, as she grows and changes. It pays to embrace the pain just a tiny bit, and then capitalize on that to the fullest.

Hearing about other parents’ experiences can be an incredible resource of hard-won lessons and reassuring, universal truths. I’ve heard it said, “Are you a good parent? The fact that you’re asking that question probably means that you are.” Here are some of the most common nagging regrets of early parenthood:

• Wrong or unexpected birth method
• Not enough enjoyment or appreciation
• Too much worry or sweating the small stuff
• Not allowing others to help
• Wrong foods or nutrition
• Not enough interaction, dialogue or love expressed
• Not following one’s instincts
• Weening from breastfeeding too soon

Worry and regret both seem to come with the parenting territory, however, recognizing them both as the treasure trove that they are can go a long way. What do you worry about? The answer can teach you a lot about love. What do you regret? That answer can reveal the lessons you’ve learned.

I have fretted for years that I didn’t do everything right when my daughter was born. I got an epidural, I couldn’t breast feed past six months (and stay sane,) and I doubt I put a lot of trust in myself — I could believe everything went wrong, or I could just admit that I really love my daughter and I learned some big lessons being a first-time parent.

Trust those who have gone before. The most frequent advice I received from neighbors and friends? “Forget the laundry, just hold that baby.” Now, that is something you will never regret.

This piece was originally posted at VersaMe.com. VersaMe created the Starling the world’s first wearable engagement tracker that helps encourage and reinforce positive parenting behaviors.