Why, why, why? The questioning stage
So, you did it. You spent time talking to your baby as a newborn, infant and toddler every single day, and you are confident that you’ve reached that crucial word goal. As your little one moves from toddler to full-fledged preschooler, you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the fruits of your labors, right? Well, yes and no.
If up until now you’ve made sure to get those words in everyday, chances are that you can count on a three-year-old who can converse, observe and question. In particular, that last one: question. Lots and lots of questions. So many questions.
Questions upon waking. Questions at bedtime. Depending on your child’s personality and curiosity level, you could potentially be fielding hundreds of questions a day. And the most common question? You guessed it: “Why?”
The word “why” is like a magical key for toddlers that can help them “level up” to preschoolhood. It’s basically the catalyst that starts their little brain on the path from observational to analytical. This gem of a word starts to show up between ages two and three. And from there, it skyrockets them through two critical psychosocial phases: stages that Erikson calls “autonomy vs. shame and doubt” (they’ll start moving out of this stage around age three), and “initiative vs. guilt” (roughly age three to six.) Both stages are critical, and both rely on — you guessed it — questions.
When my daughter was a baby, I would play a little game involving what the dog was “saying.” For example, I would tell her that our German Shepherd, Sunshine, was saying, “Where did June go?” or, “I want that cookie!” or, “Who’s at the door?!” At the time, it was merely a way to play and talk together, but looking back I can see that it was an activity that planted seeds for empathy, understanding, and questioning.
She latched onto this idea, and asks me many times a day what animals and people are “saying.” She usually follows up with a few “why?”s. These exchanges have been easy ways for me to teach her cooperation and compassion.
She is what some might call a “spirited child,” and it took me a while to embrace that fact. I have had some seriously long days and nights answering questions like, “Why can cats hide?” Um… “Why is grandma a mom too?” Well… “Does the water in the toilet go under the house or into a fish tank?” No, it… “What are crabs saying?” I don’t… “Why is poo the same color as chocolate?” Oh boy.
It is only recently that I’ve realized I just need to be patient and not shut down her questions, no matter how mind-bending they might be. Questions are how kids start to understand the world. They want to put things in categories, put people and events on timelines, compare sizes, reiterate rules, and basically orientate themselves. “I can only pick these flowers…right, Grandma?” Around age 3-and-a-half, it becomes their full-time job. Think of it like this: you are your child’s tour guide.
You know everything that they are dying to know. Your child is the most interested tourist in the history of tourists. And if they feel like they want to hear a certain answer or explanation again, they will not hesitate to ask again. And again. And again.
Taking the time to honestly and respectfully answer them will go a long way, and will encourage them to ask more questions and safely develop opinions. I’ve noticed that as she nears four-years-old, my daughter’s questions are becoming more like statements, “I am a baby turtle and you are my mommy turtle…right?” You can actually see the questions start breaking away into more confident declarations, punctuated with “right?” just to keep that safety net around.
Sometimes the key to a happy, joyful day is seeing your toddler or preschooler as the full, developing human being that they are. Understand that there are reasons behind everything they do. Really good reasons. Instead of seeing what they do as an annoyance or even a behavioral issue, you can start to see it as their only way of understanding the world.
I can see that I’ve reduced my daily stress and annoyance simply by adjusting my view of my daughter and striving to answer her clearly, respectfully and as honestly as possible. You might even want to ask your preschooler some questions of your own!
I would recommend starting with, “Why?”
This piece was originally posted at VersaMe.com. VersaMe created the Starling the world’s first wearable engagement tracker that helps encourage and reinforce positive parenting behaviors.
