Effective Parenting Strategies: The Power of the Four Pronged Approach
Understanding and Implementing Countdown, Deferred Gratification, Delayed Gratification Approaches, and Child Activity Categorization
Welcome back to my series on parenting lessons. In these posts, I aim to impart the knowledge I’ve gained through trial and error, and share the strategies I’ve found effective in navigating the often tumultuous waters of parenthood.
This is the third instalment in the series, and today, I’d like to delve into four simple yet powerful practices that have become integral to our parenting style. I call them
- The Countdown Approach
- The Deferred Gratification Approach
- The Delayed Gratification Approach
- Activity Categorization for Smoother Parenthood
These strategies have significantly helped my wife and I in our parenting journey with our 2.5-year-old son.
To illustrate the effectiveness of these strategies, I’d like to share a particular situation where we’ve found them to be quite useful. For many parents, managing their child’s screen time can be a daunting task. If you’re struggling with a child who’s constantly demanding to watch TV, these strategies might just be the lifeline you need.
We faced a challenging period when our son became increasingly dependent on the TV. He became so accustomed to watching TV that he wouldn’t eat his meals unless the TV was on. Even worse, whenever he was eating or snacking, it would trigger a desire to watch something. His requests to play his favourite show became more frequent and adamant, and he wouldn’t eat until we succumbed to his demands.
Admittedly, we initially gave in to our son’s demands out of leniency. Letting him watch TV provided us with a brief respite — it was like hitting the snooze button on our parental duties. It kept him engaged and gave us some time to rest or continue working without constant interruptions. However, we soon realised that this was a mistake.
We began to notice considerable changes in his behaviour — he became cranky and easily irritable. This prompted us to reevaluate our approach. Fortunately, I had been using the Deferred Gratification Approach for a different situation, and it occurred to us that we could apply it to manage our son’s TV time.
Mastering the Deferred Gratification Approach
To give you some background, I had developed a habit of taking my son for a ride whenever he seemed bored from spending too much time indoors. However, this led to another issue — he started demanding to go out for a ride at any time, often when I was too busy with my office work to oblige. In response to this, I began using the Deferred Gratification Approach.
When he asked to go out for a ride, I would tell him that we could do so in the evening when it starts to get dark. In the meantime, I would suggest alternative activities, such as playing with his toys, going outside to play with his mother after she finished her housework, or engaging with his kinetic sand or beach sand set, clay art set, and so on. More often than not, he would readily choose one of these options.
The Deferred Gratification Approach was incredibly effective because it provided our son with the assurance that he would still get to go out for a ride with me. This was a more constructive approach than outright refusal, which would have led him to believe that he wouldn’t get to go on a ride at all, causing him to become upset.
When the promised time came — when it got dark and I finished my office work — I would proactively remind him that it was time to go out for a ride. His excitement in these moments was palpable. Interestingly, he soon started to anticipate this routine himself. As soon as it was dark, he would remind me, “Papa, it’s dark now, shall we go for a ride?” And I would respond affirmatively. This routine and the assurance it provided seemed to pacify him, and eventually, he began to forego the ride voluntarily. The frequency of his demands to go on a ride decreased, and there were days when he was content with just playing with his toys or running around the house.
I want to make it perfectly clear that when I chose to accompany him on that ride, it was not with any specific hope or expectation of witnessing a decrease in his demands. This shift occurred in an entirely natural way, without any manipulation or predetermined intent on my part. My advice, based on this experience, is to avoid doing anything with preconceived expectations in mind. Instead, fully immerse yourself in the present moment and the task at hand. Let events and circumstances unravel in their own time and in their own way. Often, the outcomes that arise from this approach are more fruitful and satisfying than those we rigidly plan for and force into being.
Mastering the Countdown Approach
The turning point came when we managed to curb his TV watching habit using the same Deferred Gratification Approach. The first day of implementing this strategy was challenging and required some patience, but the results were phenomenal.
From the moment he made his first request to watch TV in the morning, I would tell him that the TV was “dead” and would only turn on at night, after we had finished dinner. Despite his repeated demands, we remained firm and consistent in our response, always presenting it in a friendly manner without showing any signs of relenting. Eventually, he began to understand that we were serious, and he started engaging in other activities.
After dinner, when he asked to watch TV, we agreed to his request but introduced the second strategy — the Countdown Approach. I explained to him, “Yes, you can now watch the TV for 30 minutes, and then we will have to turn it off and go to bed. You can turn off the TV yourself.” He was happy to comply. To our surprise, he watched TV for about 40 minutes, turned it off himself, and rushed to the bedroom because he was starting to feel sleepy.
However, there were instances when he didn’t seem ready to stop watching TV. In such cases, we didn’t insist on turning it off immediately. Instead, we would remind him, “Son, we have to go to sleep in 5 minutes. So continue watching for 5 more minutes and then head for sleep.” His response was usually a calm “Hmmmm.” or a “yes”. After 5 to 10 minutes, we would ask him to turn it off. This approach worked wonderfully because he was willing to end his TV time without any fuss or tantrums. Providing him with a heads up allowed him to mentally prepare for the transition, which would not have been as smooth if done abruptly.
We’ve made a small change to the TV schedule. We felt that no TV until after the dinner was too harsh, so we’ve moved it to after 7 pm. There will be no TV before 7 pm. He manages to get through the day without watching TV, which we believe is commendable and acceptable.
This is just the start and we are eager to see how this new routine unfolds.
The Countdown Approach has become a staple in our household, and we use it not only in relation to TV time but also in various other scenarios. For instance, when it’s time for him to brush his teeth, we give him a 5- to 10-minute heads up. This gives him some time to mentally prepare for the task ahead, resulting in more cooperation from him.
However, we understand that this strategy may not always work as expected. Sometimes he will want to play with one of his toys instead. In such cases, we don’t resist firmly. Instead, we adopt a more flexible approach and allow him to play for an additional 5–10 minutes before brushing his teeth. This kind of firm yet flexible strategy has proved to be beneficial in getting him to perform his tasks more willingly.
Even with the Countdown Approach, getting him to brush his teeth or take a bath can sometimes be a challenge. In such cases, we have to motivate him further. We usually tell him that if he doesn’t maintain his hygiene, he might fall sick, and we will have to visit the doctor. “Son, do you want to visit the doctor?” His response is always a resounding “No”, to which we respond, “Then come on, brush your teeth / get ready for the bath.”
A note on the fear of the doctor approach:
Today, we took him to the doctor due to persistent stomach aches. “My stomach hurts,” he would say. “Don’t worry, we’ll see the doctor tomorrow. They’ll give you medicine and you’ll feel better.”
We had doubts about his reaction, considering we’d been using the fear of the doctor to encourage daily hygiene habits like teeth brushing. Surprisingly, he responded, “Yes, I want to take medicine.”
So, there’s no need to worry if you approach things thoughtfully and judiciously, and avoid overdoing it. If you have your child’s trust, surprises will happen. It brings to mind the old saying, “God helps those who help themselves.”
One more thing we do is make activities interesting for him. From the color of the toothpaste and brush to incorporating tooth powder, we make sure it’s engaging.
Much to our joy, after initially resisting brushing his teeth one day — because he hadn’t the previous day after regularly doing so — he suddenly agreed, saying “I want to brush with the brown toothpaste today.”
We are mindful not to make these routine activities monotonous or unbearable. If there are days when he wants to eat or drink milk without brushing his teeth, we first try to persuade him with the doctor analogy. But if he’s too reluctant, we give him a pass, with the caveat that this is an exception and should not become a habit. This happens only once or twice a week. He understands our message and appreciates our flexibility. We believe in giving him a little bit of freedom and not being too harsh, as it helps him feel more at ease. This approach makes following a routine feel more natural and less like a mandate.
Reflecting on our journey, there’s one more crucial point I’d like to share. It harks back to a time when we had no strategy for managing our son’s TV time, a time when we would easily give in to his demands. Often, while I was engrossed in my work and my wife was busy in the kitchen, our son would come to me seeking attention. My initial response was to brush him off with a blunt “No, I am busy.” This would obviously upset him. To prevent this, I would suggest various activities to him, which he would inevitably refuse, until I would resort to offering him his favourite TV show. In retrospect, I realise that this was not an effective strategy — it was merely an attempt to provide a temporary solution to a problem that required a more thoughtful approach.
Nowadays, I take a different approach. When he comes to me seeking attention, I pause my work, lift him up, and give him my undivided attention, even if it’s just for a few minutes. This small gesture goes a long way in satisfying his need for attention. I’ve learnt that I was too reserved when it came to him distracting me from my work, but I now realise that I was giving my work more importance than it deserved. Now, I anticipate distractions and prepare myself accordingly.
Although it would be ideal to always have the opportunity to keep your child engaged and entertained, this may not always be feasible. This is particularly true when the child has a tendency to frequently interrupt, perhaps due to their inherent curiosity or a desire for attention. In such instances, it’s advisable to calmly let him know that you are busy and suggest an alternative activity he can partake in. Alternatively, if your partner is available, they can step in and keep the child engaged. For instance, they could take him out for playtime. If your partner is also occupied, consider setting up an activity that the child enjoys to keep him engrossed. More on this will be discussed in the last section Activity Categorization for Smoother Parenthood.
However, aim to steer clear of passive activities such as watching TV, except at the designated time. In our case, we have kept it post dinner time, at the end of the day. And there’s an interesting catch here on how to do it — enter the Delayed Gratification Approach.
Mastering the Delayed Gratification Approach
While permitting your child to engage in television watching during the designated hours, it’s beneficial to incorporate an additional strategy — the Delayed Gratification Approach. Rather than simply switching on the television for him, engage him in the process. Request that he retrieve the remote control himself. This seemingly minor task can have substantial effects. It promotes his involvement in the activity and gives him a sense of responsibility. By participating in the setup of his own entertainment, he becomes an active player rather than a passive observer. This not only increases his confidence but also enhances his level of satisfaction with the activity. It’s a small step in fostering independence and encouraging a proactive attitude. I discussed this strategy in detail in my last article Daddyin’ it Right — beware, it has a tinge of humour to it.
For the record, in our particular situation, I am the one who is primarily engaged in a day job, while my wife is responsible for managing the house and taking care of our child. She made the decision to leave her job when she was pregnant and has since been committedly taking care of our child and ensuring the smooth running of the household.
Activity Categorization for Smoother Parenthood
To better manage your child’s activities, it can be helpful to categorize them into four main types:
- Things the child enjoys doing alone. This could be playtime where he engages with his toys independently. Recently, we introduced sensory play items such as a kinetic sand set, a clay art set complete with shaping and cutting tools, and a bicycle. It’s important to experiment with different activities as your child will naturally gravitate towards his favorites. These favorites need not necessarily be expensive items. A simple vessel filled with grains such as rice or wheat can provide an engaging sensory experience. This is merely one example of inexpensive yet effective playthings.
- Things the child enjoys doing with his father. In our case, this includes activities like going on rides or engaging in playful pretend fights where we each act as two unique characters.
- Things the child enjoys doing with his mother. For us, this often entails my wife taking him outside to play with other children.
- Things that the entire family enjoys together. These are the moments when both my wife and I are free from our individual responsibilities and can devote time to engaging in various activities as a family. This could include fun learning activities or simply enjoying each other’s company.
Categorizing activities in this manner can greatly assist in planning the next activity for your child. It can also provide a well-rounded mix of activities that cater to different needs and preferences.
Planning activities in advance and communicating these plans to your child can be beneficial. This helps the child anticipate their next tasks. Not only does it keep them calm and allow for deeper engagement in the current activity, but it also facilitates smooth transitions between activities.
However, there’s no need to overdo it. If your child is doing well and doesn’t appear restless or confused, let them be. There’s no need to strive for perfection.
It may sometimes happen that the sequence may not go as planned. It doesn’t need to be. Let him pick some other activity, just keep in mind to give him a heads up about the next. The point is not about having a stringent routine and exact time slot for each activity. It’s just about having a plan, and keeping him (and yourself) on his toes. Yes, this involves the essential things like eating time, brushing teeth, taking a bath and so on. This may sound like we are putting a pressure on the toddler, but this actually will make them happier, and more calm. This is what we observed in our toddler, who is quite active by nature. If your toddler is also this active, then this is what you should try.
Before I conclude, I’d like to share a secret that has consistently helped me navigate the challenges of parenthood. This secret isn’t something that’s evident from the outside — it’s a silent source of inspiration that often goes unnoticed. That secret is God-consciousness.
I understand that this may seem unrelated, but I firmly believe that my life wouldn’t be as fulfilling as it is today without it. I’ve been a spiritual practitioner for over 15 years, and I can confidently say that my practice has yielded more fruit than I ever imagined. I take time to present my problems to God quietly and patiently, and I’ve found that the solutions invariably present themselves. If you’re just starting on your spiritual journey, I encourage you to persevere. In the beginning, it may seem like the distance between your problems and their solutions is vast, but as your at-One-ment with God increases, you’ll find this distance shrinking dramatically. I’m currently experiencing this phase, and I assure you that you can too.
However, don’t get the wrong impression — my life isn’t perfectly sorted. I face my own set of challenges every day, from workload to bills to time management. But I’m confident that I’ll be able to overcome these challenges, just as I have in the past.
I hope that my experiences and reflections provide some valuable insights for your own parenting journey. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on parenting and spiritual practice. Thank you for taking the time to read this post, and I look forward to sharing more with you in future posts.
