SATIRE
Joe Biden Discovered Porn on Medium
An exclusive interview
You may have heard the news. Some big changes were just announced on Medium, and they are doing away with Medium-backed publications on the platform. Word is, this has to do with Joe Biden seeing his feed flooded with Erotica content, due to how the algorithm picks popular reading topics for new users.
I didn’t even know Erotica was that big on Medium. But apparently it is very popular.
What happened next is a wild story. To get the full scoop, we sat down with President Biden to hear his personal account of the situation.
INTERVIEWER: Good morning, Mr. President. First off, thanks for agreeing to speak to us today.
JOE BIDEN: Aw, heck. No problem, folks. You know me, I got nothing better to do right now. Just running the country and stuff.
INTERVIEWER: Haha. Right. No big deal. So, we hear you’ve shaken things up over at Medium headquarters. Seems like companies care about the leader of the free world being able to use their services without minor annoyances interfering with their experience. Care to tell us what happened there?
JOE BIDEN: Well, heh, I’m not sure if it was all me or not. I think Jill may have had something to do with it. When you get down to brass tacks, I’m just a guy. I’m not much into all this tech whiz stuff. It’s all Pong and Pac-Man to me.
INTERVIEWER: Haha. I know what you mean. But, you mention Jill had something to do with it? How so?
JOE BIDEN: Look, it’s a crazy story, man. First, I had no idea this even existed. One of my interns runs it. Nice kid. But I had to fire his ass.
INTERVIEWER: What?? You fired your social media manager?
JOE: I did. Look, I didn’t want to. Again, it was mostly Jill. But, here’s the deal. True story. About a week ago I walk into the Oval Office and here’s this kid, let’s call him Mike, sitting at the presidential PC with his pants down around his ankles. You should’ve seen the look on this kid’s face when I walked in the door. Oh, man. Talk about shock and awe. I yelled, “MIKE! What the hell, man!? Pull your pants up!” And it was like I caught my son sneaking into my old Playboy stash you know? Super embarrassing. I think he moved faster than light speed. Left a trail of Kleenexes flying as he ran out the door.
INTERVIEWER: Wow, that sounds crazy. So you basically caught an intern masturbating at your desk?
JOE: Well, I don’t know if he was in the middle of rubbing one out or anything. But let’s just say it didn’t look good.
INTERVIEWER: I imagine not. So, what happened next? Where does Medium come in to play?
JOE: It’s so funny. I was staring around at everybody, all the Secret Service guys and stuff, and I was just confused. I was asking them, “What the heck was that all about?” And they were just shaking their heads. “Sorry, sorry, Mr President,” they kept saying. I wanted to know what the kid was up to, so I got on the computer myself. He had closed the browser, but I just pulled up the history tab. And there it was, a kinky story about a secretary spanking her boss. I’m not gonna lie, it was kind of hot. Good thing I hadn’t taken any Viagra.
INTERVIEWER: And this was on Medium?
JOE: Yeah, I guess. I didn’t really pay attention. I honestly don’t even know what Medium is. What is that? Like a psychic site or something? Anyway, I was just blown away by this. I was like, woah, woah, woah, man. This stuff is on the internet?!
INTERVIEWER: Wait, you didn’t know erotica content was a thing online?
JOE: Nah, man. I told you. Computers aren’t my thing. Last computer I had that I spent a lot of time on was the Commodore 64. And I mainly used it to play Oregon Trail.
INTERVIEWER: Ok. Then what?
JOE: Well, that story sort of reminded me of those stories you’d see in the back of Penthouse Magazine. It got me thinking, what else is on the internet? So I did this search in the Google. Woah, man. The internet is just a smorgasbord of smut. I found this site called PornHub. I’ve seen things I’ll never forget.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, wow. You’d never been to PornHub before?
JOE: Never. (laughs) I mean, I’ve seen pornography. My dad had a heckuva Playboy stash. But, I just liked the articles. Know what I mean?
INTERVIEWER: Sure, sure. So how does this all tie back to what happened to Medium?
JOE: It’s a funny story, man. I sort of got hooked.
INTERVIEWER: What do you mean?
JOE: Well, I kept going back. Reading more of the stories. But also, I kept going back to PornHub. That was the deal breaker. Jill walked in on me watching this video of a parody with Bill and Monica. The lid about came off.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, no.
JOE: Caught in the act, man.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, my god.
JOE: It was bad. I’m still in the doghouse. She went through my search history. It was worse than a teen’s wet dream diary. Porn porn porn. I guess I got addicted to it. But, I’m sorry, it’s a heck of a drug.
INTERVIEWER: I can see what happened next.
JOE: Yeah, I guess Jill called some people. Put some adult site blockers on all the White House computers. I guess she gave the editors over at that Medium place a real piece of her mind. Medium folks, if you’re reading this, sorry about that.
INTERVIEWER: Well, you’re only human, sir.
JOE: Right, yeah. A lot of folks forget that. At the end of the day, I’m just a guy. Show me a naked woman, and I’m going to pay attention. I just had no idea the internet was so filled with naked women. Who knew?
END OF INTERVIEW
Well, there you have it, folks. It’s an example of what can take place when the most powerful person in the world and the vagaries of online erotica culture collide, especially when the most powerful person in the world is an elderly man with a loving wife.
It seems even the President of the United States can get in trouble when it comes to online porn. Wives of the world, take note.
