The Great Liberal Insurrection of 1999
As shocking as the events were to witness on January 6th, 2021, this of course isn’t the first time in American history that the Capitol has been stormed by angry citizens. We are coming up on the 22 year anniversary of the Great Liberal Insurrection of 1999, when supporters of Bill Clinton refused to allow their great president to be dishonored by impeachment. Americans should never forget what happened that fateful day.
For months the Monica Lewinsky scandal had completely pervaded the news cycle. Fans and lovers of Bill Clinton were simply appalled that their political hero’s private life and dirty laundry were being aired for all to see on national television. Spurred on by the punditry of great liberal thinkers such as James Carville and Chris Matthews, the liberal elites decided they must act. They could not simply stand by and watch the greatest Democrat since Franklin D. Roosevelt be dragged through the mud of smut and yellow journalism.
Meeting up in online chatrooms via AOL and AOL Instant Messenger, which was largely unregulated, the liberal militia began to flourish and allow its roots to take hold in the college campuses and educational centers across the country, and then to spread to households who were early adopters of the technology. The dedicated fanbase of Bill Clinton and his liberal ideological movement of balancing budgets and enjoying rowdy saxophone music began to organize and take action.
Calling themselves The Blowbacks, protests began taking place on city street corners in metropolitan areas, with liberals donning hats that read “Make America Horny Again” and waving giant blue flags shaped like dresses with white blotches on them meant to represent the president’s semen. Routinely there were crowd chants of “Presidents deserve blowjobs!” and “We love cigars!” People wore blue shirts that boldly read in white lettering, “I’m in bed with my president.”
All of this activity culminated explosively on February 11th, 1999, when a crowd of thousands upon thousands of liberal protesters descended upon Washington D.C., anticipating the Senate vote for the impeachment of Bill Clinton to take place. They arrived armed to the teeth with law books and thermoses filled with coffee. Some brought and handed out copies of Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species. Met with police barricades and lines of National Guard troops, they quickly formed improv jazz bands, and strange knitting circles. Many scarves made of yarn, red, white, and blue, were completed that day, and handed to service men standing in the freezing cold.
The troops and police force were so moved by the overwhelming level of kindness and generosity on display, that they separated the barricades and waved in the protesters, convinced that they meant no harm. Encouraged, the boisterous crowd streamed into the halls of the Capitol and encircled the Senate chambers. The senators were so shocked at this, they watched it unfold with an air of rapt silence. One of the improv bands met near the entrance of the seating area and began playing an impromptu version of the song “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and The News.
When the song switched over to “Give Peace a Chance” by John Lennon, the Senate Republicans had had enough, and voted to adjourn the session early. One especially rowdy protester was escorted out of the chamber for throwing a paper airplane made from a flyer of a photo of Strom Thurmond with a butt drawn on his face. This paper airplane got stuck in Newt Gingrich’s hair. As the senators filed out of the chamber, Mitch McConnell was famously quoted as saying to a reporter on the scene, “This is an outrage. Who do these liberal fanatics think they are? This is a house of Congress. It’s no place for hoity toity ideals like peace and love. If Republicans were in power this would never happen!”
The next day however, America watched with anxious anticipation, as the Senate voted mostly along party lines after reconvening. President Bill Clinton, while only the second president in history to face impeachment, was acquitted of the charges and his second term as president was allowed to continue unimpeded. The Great Liberal Insurrection of 1999 had therefore served its purpose, and the great liberal icon Bill Clinton was saved from his unceremonious fate of a presidency mired in scandal.
Liberals across the nation celebrated their victory in earnest. Many celebratory joints were smoked on back patios with glasses of red chardonnay in hand. It was not only a victory for American values and logic, but it was also a victory for sexual freedom. Many liberals nodded and winked at their hippie parents that night. An unmistakable lesson was definitely learned in America that day. Don’t mess with the liberal elites. They’ll show up in unprecedented numbers and sing songs at you until you relent.
Republican conservatism is simply no match for the power of liberal unity and love. The day of February 11th, 1999 will stand as a testament to what a little motivation and a lot of marijuana can do. As long as it is inhaled that is.