Hillary Picks A Running Mate

INT.

A MAN talks to the CAMERA, which is the point of view of HILLARY CLINTON, who sits in a chair. Hillary can’t talk. The Man talks to Hillary.

MAN
OK. OK. OK. I’m OK. I’m OK. I’ve got it together. I do. I do. It will be OK. Yes. Yes. So far so good. Jeez. This is so different from what it must have been like. You know. Back in Little Rock. My Dad told me what it was like. Working for Bill. But this ain’t so different. It’s just scale. Right. Little Rock was Little Rock. Now it’s just…well, bigger. My Daddy said when he was dying that you would both come to his funeral. But nope. Just Bill came. You were off somewhere. Bill spoke. It made the local paper. I mean he was President and he found the time to come back to Little Rock to say a few words about my Daddy. Not you. I remembered that . I remembered that. Don’t look at me that way. Now you see, you’re drooling. It’s the drug I gave you. Well, actually, two drugs. One to knock you out so I could bring you here. The other to deaden your mouth and tongue. That’s why you can’t talk. Funny. Hillary can’t talk. Usually Hillary can’t stop talking. Not now at least with you running for President. Well, no more. That’s over. Bill was explaining how it works. Bill’s so smart, but he never makes you think he’s smarter than you, you know. It’s like he listens and cares and then says his thing, and it’s smart, and you know it’s smarter than anything you said, but he never makes you feel stupid. He’s got that gift, you know. It’s not something you have, Hill. You can always tell you think you’re smarter. It’s like you listen but it hurts, doesn’t it. Well listen to this, because it’s really going to hurt. Bill told me that the Constitution, that’s the US Constitution, the Twenty-Second Amendment to be particular, says a President can’t be elected President more than twice. The operative word there is elected. So you see Bill Clinton can become President again, just not by an election. So here’s the thing. You have to pick him, your loving husband, to be your running mate. According to Bill, well, you see, according to him, he just cannot deal with the fact that you would have another man running as your, well, running mate. So this little thing we are doing right now…this little thing is a reminder that you have to take the political risk of making him your running mate. Hey, JFK made his brother the Attorney General, right? I know what you are thinking. The Twenty-Second Amendment has a little loophole. Bill, if he were your Vice President, could become President again if you were to, well, I don’t know, like….go kaput. But that’s not likely. So it will just be a Clinton-Clinton ticket. Get it. There is nothing the Republicans can come up with that can beat that. That’s what Bill figures. And that is what you are going to figure. When I give you this (MAN HOLDS UP HYPERDERMIC NEEDLE), you will fall into a deep deep sleep and you will wake up where you thought you went to bed, and you will slog your way to the kitchen and come up with a brilliant idea. Yep. And you will tell Bill about your idea and he will tell you he loves you and that it is brilliant. Clinton-Clinton. All the bumper stickers on all the cars. I love it. Bill loves it. And you will love it. Okie dokie. Now go beddy bye and remember, this is your idea. Your idea. Nighty night.

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