Undo
Hardly Here
I can’t hardly forget
The macabre, gruesome, horrifying and most unsuitable (23)
You don’t know
What you are doing
Where you are going
No matter now
Still we continue carry on
Freakishly inappropriate
In disguise
You don’t notice
You have no idea
What will happen next
We will appropriate you
Take the time back
That we have lost our minds
No sense at all
No sense in anything now
We will count back the hours tears
Turn back the dials fears
Until we are satisfied
Until it feels like yesterday
When I captured the moment
The completeness of it
The feeling-drumbeat of my heart
In rhythm resonant
We don’t have to look anymore
We are creatives
Deliberate creators
We can replicate it
As if it is new each time
You smile my heart stop
For a little while
A little lost
For a moment there
You crossed the line
Attacked me when I was vulnerable
Misused my trust
Betrayed me
Maybe I betrayed myself
I didn’t know any better
I was drunk that day
I can’t hardly remember anything
I just know
It was not good
Not quite right
I fucked up
No excuses now
I own it
Did you even consider
What you have done?
What you have created?
You do realize
I am still coming for you
I can’t hardly forget
You marked me
Made me your slave
Put me in my self-made cage
Compulsive patterns
Life-long ticks
I will tick you of my list
When I am done with you
When the circle is complete
I will light the candles
And pray to the Heaven’s Almighty
Creatures roaming in the air
Day and night
Bouncing about in their realm
I will offer you my sacrifice
For a life
Not fully lived
Personal Note:
I never told anyone this. When I was 16 I went on a camping trip next to Hartebeespoort dam with my best mate, her brother and her dad. Her mom and dad was seperated and this was his weekend with them. I never went home over weekends, so I got invited to tag along. There were plenty of water sports during the day including canoes, boats, white water rafting and fishing. We had a great time.
Alcohol was readily available. In hindsight it should not have been. First red flag. Her dad had a reputation of being a bit “touchy-feely” and should not have been within a bloody mile of teenage females. One night I had too much to drink and he took advantage. He performed oral sex on me. I was too drunk to say yes or no or to even know what was going on. Thank God he didn’t take it any further than that. The next day I couldn’t quite remember what happened, felt terrible from a babbelas and my friend was giving me the evil eye. Her brother saw what happened.
It fucked up the most treasured friendship I have ever had with anyone and cut me the most deeply. I lost my best friend and a part of me. She wrote me off, refusing to even speak to me. I still feel the pain thinking about it. Even if we see each other again after all these years it won’t ever be the same. I will still see the rejected kid. The lesson I learnt was to value my self-worth and not to put myself in a position where shit like that can happen to me. I held on to the guilt and shame for a very long time. Learning to take responsibility for one’s actions comes at a heavy price.
I am sorry, Suretha. I never told you stuff like this has happened to me before, about my dad hitting me, my shitty home life, how I was struggling financially. The reason I was drinking was because I felt dead inside and I wanted to kill myself. I am sorry I didn’t confide in you about all this.
In the end it was too late.
Dumelang bohle!!! African Greetings!!! Please support me so I can continue to do what makes my spirit feel alive and feeds my soul; and that is to express myself through words and photos every day.
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I do not currently qualify for the Medium Partner Program due to country location; South Africa.
