Why is it hard for people to connect?
As humans, our greatest pain comes from the distress we feel when our relationships don’t work out the way we want them to. Our most important needs are the need to be seen, the need to be loved for who we are and not for what we do, the need to be listened to, the need to feel valuable humanly and professionally, and the need to feel competent. They are fundamental needs, the fulfillment of which makes us feel good about our own life and the non-fulfillment of which makes us feel alone, small, unimportant.
Our needs are fulfilled in the relationships we have with others
What do all these needs have in common? These needs are fulfilled in the relationships we have with others. For this reason, I believe that the greatest human suffering comes precisely from the loss of relationships or from maintaining dysfunctional relationships. In this article, I will write about a basic ingredient that is often missing or greatly impaired in relationships that don’t work namely safety. I think it’s extremely important to look at how safe we feel in the relationships we want to work with, whether we’re talking about couple relationships, parental relationships, family relationships, professional relationships, or friendships.
Personal practice exercise
Before we look at what we can do to help the important people in our lives feel safe in their relationships with us, I’d like to invite you to do an exercise. So please take a pen and paper and answer the following questions honestly:
What does safety in a relationship mean to you?
How do you know you feel safe in a relationship?
What are the indicators for you that the safety in the relationship has been lost?
In which relationship do you feel most secure?
In which relationship do you feel least safe?
What do you think you can do to feel safer?
After answering these questions, I will tell you that two people cannot really connect unless they feel safe. Many times, we don’t feel safe in our relationships when we are judged. I’m wondering why. Because being judged means that we are not seen as we really are, that we are not accepted, and that something is wrong with us. Often, parents of teenagers come to the office with the desire to improve their relationship with their children.
But how can a teenager have the confidence to come out to his parent when he opens up about his decisions or problems and the parent criticizes him? How can we open up to our partner if when we tell them about our needs, these needs are minimized or we are given the message that there is something wrong with us because we have these needs?
Every time we think we know better than others or have projected a certain path that a loved one should take or a certain way they should live and make decisions, we are judging. When we judge, our loved ones will feel threatened in their relationship with us, a threat that leads to loss of safety and major damage to the relationship.
How can we cultivate relational trust?
Keeping your word
First of all, it is very important not to judge others. It is recommended to listen to them, with curiosity and the desire to understand their point of view and decisions. Another extremely important thing for cultivating safety, regardless of the type of relationship we are talking about, is keeping our word. When we make a commitment or promise something, we must keep our word. For many people, it is actions, not words, that lead to confidence building.
Setting boundaries
Another thing that helps build safety is to set boundaries and stick to them, whether we’re talking about the boundaries that others must respect with us or the boundaries we must respect with our loved ones. For example, if we have a schedule with the family on the weekend and we have promised our partner that we will not answer the phone or be involved in other activities while we are together, it is very important to respect these boundaries that I set. Respecting them gives our loved ones a sense of security and predictability in their relationship with us.
Authenticity and vulnerability
Another thing we can do to help others feel safe in their relationship with us is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and authentic. It is quite unlikely that a friend will come to tell us about his problems or personal challenges, while what we let be seen on the outside is the image of an ideal life without difficulties.
