76 Injured, 29 Seriously, By Falling Tacoma Daffodil Bowl Sign
Disaster struck in Tacoma, Washington, today at the unveiling of the welcome sign for the inaugural Holiday Daffodil Bowl when the record-setting (for length) sign suddenly fell to the ground, crushing fans who had gathered to see the Evergreen Geoducks take on the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs.
“It was like something out of a disaster movie,” said one surviving Banana Slug who narrowly missed being crushed by the massive sign after it split away from the arena walls 55 feet above the “Rite Aid Hates Water Pollution Field at Mobile One Stadium”’s new main entrance. “One moment we were trying to read all the way to the end of the sign and then all of a sudden it was on top of us.”
Officials representing the “Bette Midler Uncle Ike’s Taco Time Ace Hardware Ivar’s Starbucks Budweiser Holiday Daffodil Bowl Presented By the Costco Food Court” expressed sympathy and concern for the victims, while also maintaining that the accident was an act of God.
“This was a freak accident that no one could see coming,” claimed one official who was still covered with dust and wood chips.
Experts assert the accident was inevitable. “It’s not rocket scientist,” noted famed rocket scientist Diego Jordan. “It’s basic common sense. That sign with all those words was simply too long and too heavy with all the weight of the wood and paint — I mean, all those words.”
“How many people would have been saved with two or three fewer sponsors?”, an unidentified survivor in a bloody Geoduck hoodie shouted as she was loaded into a Lyft for transport to the hospital after the City ran out of ambulances.
When reached for comment from her home in New York City, Ms. Midler expressed sincere sympathy for those who were injured but explained she had not intended to sponsor Tacoma’s new signature event. “I’m sure Tacoma is wonderful, but I thought I was sponsoring the Rose Bowl. I love that song.”
Authorities have not yet released names of the victims, but most are currently being treated at the Dick’s Burgers Microsoft Kurt Cobain Memorial Hospital in Seattle.
