Jake Paul Fights Old Woman, Probably
Based on the last two debaucherous and grotesque years of his life, there is a high probability a televised boxing match took place last week between Jake Paul and a little old woman.
Most likely the match was part of a $115 Pay-Per-View event on an unknown Roku channel called “Foobi” or “TunezStar” and featured three hours of sweaty randos beating up on each other, followed by three minutes of Jake Paul clobbering an old woman.
No doubt Paul was led to the ring by a motley assortment of C-List stars like Scott Disick, one of the boys from Smosh, and a problematic TikTok teen who “totally has a pass to say that word.”
Sources assume the fight was watched by a wide spectrum of thirty-year old men, including white guys with fades, the staff at a Cricket Wireless mall kiosk, and an adult male wearing an “Iron Man ❤ Pussy” shirt.
If we had to guess, the lead-up to the fight included weeks of hand wringing by a sports media ecosystem more than happy to profit off a former teen Disney actor knocking the orthopedic socks off a senior citizen.
It’s likely professional boxing commentators such as Teddy Atlas said “this sham of a fight makes a mockery of the proud sport of boxing,” while UFC commentator and volunteer DMT-spokesperson Joe Rogan probably said something like“WOOOAAHHHHH *inhale* DUUUDDDDEE *exhale*”
Not to put all their eggs in one future-felon’s basket, the undercard to the fight had to be made up of real desperate hanger-ons, like suspended NFL linebackers, recurring guests on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, and at least one professional boxer going through a very costly divorce.
It’s a near certainty that both Paul and the octogenarian he bludgeoned in front of a live audience probably made more money in a few minutes than the average American will see in a lifetime.
Sources also report that there is a 100% chance next week’s fight is seven minutes of Logan Paul slapping a baby.
