Local Family Fears 2021 Mariners Will Kill Grandpa
“First COVID and now this,” lamented Ronny Ronson’s great grand-daughter, Sarah, on Wednesday, after he reserved a limousine for the last week of October 2021. “Grandpa says he is going to ride in style when the Mariners win the World Series.”
“We kept him from Fox News, but we can’t keep him from ROOT Sports, and the Mariners are doing pretty good,” Sarah told KDUD News. “But it is way too early for anyone to be so optimistic. Remember 2002? 1997? 2014?”
Sarah is not alone. Mental health professionals throughout the Puget Sound region and as far south as north Kelso are reporting a surge of high baseball hopes and even fields of dreams.
“We haven’t seen anything like this since 2001, “ says Marcus Szurley, the Executive Director of the Washington Chapter of Sports And Depression (Washington SAD) . “And even that year, we did not see these levels of optimism until right before the playoffs.”
For Sarah and her family, though, the fear is not fear of disappointment.
“The limo was non-refundable,” she says. “Plus, this is going to kill grandpa. He still hates the Yankees. He says they never would have beaten the Mariners if the umpires hadn’t felt so bad making calls against them after 9/11.”
Sarah and her family have reason to worry.
“When they traded Griffey to the Reds, we had to have Grandpa hospitalized for three weeks because of high blood pressure and hallucinations. He did not really bounce back all the way from that until the M’s signed Ichiro. Of course, then we almost lost him again after those damn 2001 playoffs. Grandpa was already 70 then, but now . . .”
She takes a few moments to regain her composure.
“It’s been a challenging year,” Sarah explains. “Grandpa has been living here with us through the entire pandemic. We were on vacation when everything went to heck and then they wouldn’t take him back despite all the new vacancies. We thought Grandpa was in the clear after Ronny IV steered him toward football in 2002. We figured if we could keep his mind off the M’s, he’d at least have a chance. It worked like a charm until that darn Super Bowl XLIX — -”
“Malcolm Butler sucks!” Ronny yells in a frail yet firm voice from the next room.
“Russell Wilson passed and Grandpa almost did too. He was on life support for eight days after that.”
“I’m doing fine!” Ronny yells. “We are going to watch Kyle Seager hit grand slams in the World Series! Just you wait!”
Sarah pauses. “I get frustrated with the delusions, but then I remember. Grandpa Ronny made it home from Vietnam. He beat prostate cancer. He never voted Republican. He composts. I think he can survive anything.”
“The Sonics are coming home, too!” croaks Ronny.
“Grandpa’s a goner.”
If you or anyone you know is planning to watch the Mariners in the playoffs or World Series this year, there is help just one keystroke or phone call away. Contact Washington S.A.D. before it is too late.
