Three-Time Super Bowl Loser Tom Brady Finally Retires
Some People Just Suck at Sports
In yet another embarrassing chapter to his disappointing career, so-called quarterback Tom Brady has decided to retire after suffering another defeat in the NFL playoffs.
The three-time Super Bowl loser helped the Tampa Bay Buccaneers get to the NFC Divisional game, but predictably failed to lead his team any further, with a 30–27 defeat at the hand of the Los Angeles Rams.
This marked an astonishing third time in Brady’s career that he has lost in the second round. It was also his twelfth overall playoff loss, second all time, just one behind another perennial nobody, Peyton Manning. When asked about his decision to finally give up his pipe dream, Brady was reflective.
“This sport clearly isn’t for me. They pay me to win championships every year, and even though I erased a huge 17-point deficit and almost forced overtime single-handedly, I didn’t get the job done. I guess it’s my fault for not also playing defense.”
It was a real déjà vu scenario for Brady, who lost a playoff game only seven-hundred and fifty days and one president ago, when his then team The New England Patriots, were upset in the 2019 AFC Wildcard game versus the Tennessee Titans.
When asked what he was planning to do with his sad life now that his subpar football career has ended, a despondent Brady held back tears before meekly responding.
“I’m gonna take this loss as a sign that I’m not destined for greatness. I dunno, I guess I’ll just go home to my shitty life in one of my mansions, with my three perfect kids and gorgeous Brazilian supermodel wife.”
When asked if he had any final words before disappearing into oblivion never to be seen or heard from again, the now jobless Brady expressed some regret.
“It’s clear that the universe and football Gods have always been against me. In retrospect, maybe I should have just gone into aluminum siding like my parents wanted me to. Deep down I think I could have been really special at it, but thanks to football, I’ll never know. It is what is it.”
At press time, Brady’s representatives hinted at starting a GoFundMe page for the former player, in order to make his transition to civilian life a bit easier.
