What hasn’t changed
And what we might want to keep
It might take 31 days to make a habit but at day 60 I can’t say I’m in the groove of this new COVID-19 life. Every day there are new losses, new things to adapt to and no breakthrough cure in sight.
So I’m taking some advice I saw on the Interwebs: focus on what hasn’t changed.
This time of year is the start of so many things. Just look around you. The daffodils that poked through in late March have finally bloomed. Spring seems official in spite of the snow we woke up to this morning, leaving a pastry chef’s dusting of fine icing sugar on the rhubarb, playful stripes on the shed roof. It’s after Easter now and I hope to god this is our last snow. And that, very soon, it’ll be fireflies all the way down.
Spring snow and daffodils are a reminder that so much in life is still the same, doing what it’s always done, un-fazed by the coronavirus soup we’re swimming in.
Take Easter. It was hard, hands down, not to to hug parents, catch up with sibs, see nephews and nieces, cousins, aunts and uncles, celebrate the end of winter and daydream a little about getting together this summer. Oh the plans.
But it still happened. Like many things these days, we just did it differently. Longer phone calls. Shared photos of our latest baking and blooming flowers. Sent endless email jokes, all about hair. Hair, definitely changed. What didn’t change was the love.
I’m not denying that life right now is feeling like one long strange day. I’m more than a little off. Connected yet not connected by more phone calls, endless screen time, video chats, emails and texts. I’m not a phone person and my favourite conversations are often over a long walk, not talking at all. Sometimes it’s about the proximity, not so much the content.
So yes, a lot has changed. For sure it has. At the same time a lot of life is rolling along, with a few modifications. Upgrades even.
Which has me thinking: What do I want to keep?
I asked my team last week at our Zoom check in. Here’s what they said about working from home: I’ve created a great routine. I can really focus on my own. It’s nice to have more time for myself. It’s nice to have more time with family. I wish my kids would get along this well all the time. I love the balance of work and home, it’s kinda become one. I have more flow. Not so much extra time, but extra space.
And for me, this writing habit. I’m on day 23 or so, Monday to Friday, except for a couple of staycation days. So not quite a habit, but I can see day 31.
If I’m honest, it’s because life got blown up. This gave me permission to blow up my routine too. I’m finally making the time to write first thing. I run late some days and most days I’m writing crap. It’s not perfect. But at least I’m doing it after planning/hoping/saying I’d do it for years. And that little change, that little accomplishment, feels good.
It’s the feels that are more important than ever right now: kindness, love, connection, community, laughter, gratitude, being together. The delivery system just looks a little different.
I’m lucky. I have a home. I have a partner to ride this out with. I have extended family and friends who love me. I am still working. There’s food in the fridge and some in the pantry. I see my neighbours out on the street most nights making noise for healthcare. Last Friday after work, I got together for virtual drinks with a good friend. I still walk to work every day. It’s just that now I leave my house, do a loop, and then come back.
Some days I feel like I’m getting the hang of this connecting at six feet apart. And even though this pandemic has brought many good things into my life I can’t wait for the day when I can hug my family, my friends.
When we finally get to see each other again it will be so, so sweet.
Postscript: Thursday night
Well life blew up my writing habit last week and I didn’t ship this story. And now we’re here, on the cusp of another massive change, another wave of the tsunami rolling in, wiping the slate clean. Again.
Things are starting to open up. BC first, followed by Saskatchewan and Alberta. Golf courses, garden centres, fishing, some parks and maybe camping. Workplaces soon.
If I’m honest, I’m feeling anxious about the rush back to busy. I’m not ready. I don’t want it. I’m finally settling into the good things this Great Pause has created: the flexibility of #WFH, deeper connection to home, more day-to-day with my partner, online yoga classes and ordering groceries by email. Even though it hasn’t been any less busy at work, I’m finding more opportunity for deep focus in between all the Zoom meetings. And I like my bathroom. Admit it, you do too.
I’ve been needing to go to the office for a while now to do some essential printing and pick up a portable keyboard so I can MacGuyver up a laptop arrangement that won’t kill my wrists.
A simmering dread has been boiling in my belly and tomorrow’s the day. I’m headed in for the first time in six weeks and I’m anxious as hell.
I woke up to a note on the kitchen table: It’ll be fine. My first reaction was: No it won’t. It’ll be awful. I didn’t sleep last night. I’m feeling disconnected from my team, frustrated at home, cranky it’s another grey day and we’re supposed to get snow all weekend. Eff you, polar vortex.
I look at the note again. Neon green marker, crooked smiley face. Kindness from a man who loves me. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I have choices as we transition to a new normal. And maybe it’ll be just fine.
