I’m Fat Again
And Why That Will Soon Change
I’m fat again.
That admission is so hard for me to make— it almost brings me to tears— but it’s true. A former fat person’s biggest fear in life is gaining back the weight they lost. It’s time I faced my fear.
A month after my birthday in February of 2008, with my back aching and my stomach protruding, I lost 70 pounds over a 4-month period by strictly adhering to the dietary guidelines set forth in Dr. Ian Smith’s “Fat Smash Diet” book and running/walking on a treadmill for 30-60 minutes a day at least 5 days a week.
It was a life-altering experience. I was 26-years-old then, and at that point my weight on the scale had not dipped below 200 pounds since my freshman year in high school.
On March 10th, 2008, I weighed in at a whopping 254 pounds, and when it was all said and done on July 10th, 2008, I checked my weight again.
185 pounds. That was my target weight, and I hit it.
The transformation happened so fast that I didn’t know how to process it. Every shirt I owned looked like a nightgown. Belts didn’t have enough holes to keep a pair of pants up. An entire closet of XXX-sized clothing needed to be replaced with size L.
And yet here I sit, 5 years later, my flat stomach replaced with a spare tire, and the sad admission that I’ve once again been reaching into my t-shirt drawer for the XXX’s.
Not because I want to, but because the L’s just don’t fit anymore.
How did it come to this?
You hear all these horror stories about people who lose weight and gain it all back. It’s usually a combination of poor eating and not being motivated to go to the gym that does it. Look, it happens.
But that’s not entirely my story. I’ve managed my weight well for the past five years, and though I’ve fluctuated, I’ve never let it get out of hand. It’s not like one day I woke up and just decided I’d had enough of a healthy lifestyle. Quite the opposite.
I go to the gym every day. EVERY DAY. I lift weights. I run over 30 miles a week. I’ve completed the Insanity program more times than I can even remember. I even have my own exercise programs. Occasionally I work out twice a day. Sometimes three. I might be in the best physical shape of my life.
And yet while I eat relatively healthy— lean protein, fruits, vegetables, whole grains— I’m also an insane binge eater. Truth be told, I probably have a binge-eating disorder. My snacking is out of control. Part of why I’m writing this is to deal with it.
In my defense, diet is everything and when you work out a lot, your hunger is incomprehensible. You can essentially just keep eating and eating and almost never get full. Then you go work out some more. It’s a cycle that needs to be carefully managed and I haven’t done a good job at that.
So, I’ve seen my weight balloon from 185 pounds last summer to 205-10. My fitted clothes are bulging at the seams. I’m like a puffy marshmallow man.
It’s not sexy at all. Frankly, it’s disgusting.
Naturally, someone who’s this obsessive about their weight is going to notice when they’re packing on pounds, so I’ve worked out feverishly over the past few months in an attempt take them off.
Plus, my older brother and his wife were scheduled to be married in the Cayman Islands last weekend, so I had added incentive. Nobody wants to look bad in wedding photos.
But it’s all been in vain.
When I slid on my size XL wedding shirt to stand by my brother’s side as his best man, it barely fit. My fat pudgy face and stubby neck kept showing up in pictures.
I realize now, as I’ve realized by before, it won’t matter how hard I work out if I keep eating poorly.
So here I am, back to square one. Over the next 90 days, I’m attempting to get my diet back under control, and lose this excess fat I’ve accumulated.
People who’ve kicked food addictions and lost significant amounts of weight are a rarefied bunch. They’ll always be a family and have a kinship with others who have similar experiences. Because it’s a way of life, not a temporary thing.
I’ll be updating a daily Twitter feed— www.Twitter.com/PaulCantorDiet— and updating this Medium collection, sharing my experience as I go through this process once again.
Hopefully I can accomplish my goals, and maybe even inspire a few others to accomplish theirs.
As of this writing, I’ve completed two days of dieting. I have 88 more to go.
My weight when I started, on Tuesday, December 10, was 209.4 pounds. My weight this morning, December 12, was 203 pounds.
We’re off to a good start.
