Howard Morris Does Fashion Narration For Mabel’s Outfits
(Alone in his apartment, with a glass of merlot)
Howard: *opens up a slideshow of Google photos*
“This orange-yellow combo is brimming with confidence. Not only does it say ‘I deserve to be John Proctor in this junior high production of The Crucible’, it also says ‘You know what? Maybe this is EXACTLY how John Proctor’s voice would sound! Maybe it’s your voice that I never want to hear again. And, what? what was that? I CAN’T HEAR YOU WITH THESE BRIGHT RED BEATS ON, MOTHER.’”
“Preppy plaid paired with black and white and a low pony. This look is so chic and tidy that no one would ever accuse you of murdering Tim Kono, even if you did have the most complaints against him.”
“With these soft curls and even softer velour blouse, you would never have to hide your interest in Jonathan underneath some fake need to borrow batteries. And with that plunging neckline, you wouldn’t just have the hot goss, you would be the hot goss.”
“Another bold and fuzzy yellow/orange sweater coat. Paired with an all-black interior and hoop earrings, this outfit says ‘I’m the sort of person who can thoroughly examine a full murder scene, and not somebody who would immediately faint at the sight of a nosebleed.’”
“If Mother could see THESE SEQUINS with THIS COLLAR, she would be begging to hear your voice again. Then you’d finally talk a little more loudly about your upcoming performance with the Yodelshop Quartet: ‘I didn’t realize you had an appreciation for professional yodeling,’ you’d say. ‘Well, I suppose I could try to find you a ticket. It will be difficult, seeing as we’ve already been sold out for weeks.’”
“This black and white houndstooth pattern is balanced by ample fuzziness. It’s the sort of coat that could double as a blanket, providing all the warm comfort you never got from Mother. Evelyn the cat (may she rest in peace) would no doubt cuddle into it if she were still with us. And by ‘with us’, I mean alive and walking around the living room, not dead and safely stored inside the freezer.”
“This power look finally combines both of your signatures: soft yellow outerwear AND patterned black and white. Together, they create a sharp contrast that no one could overlook. Even Evelyn Seven/Sevelyn would meow approvingly at it. And she would never intentionally destroy it by using it as a scratching post like that bitch Barbara used to do. While shielded with this ensemble, nothing could stop you from fulfilling your dreams. You would walk into the nearest community theater and be immediately cast as the lead. You would actually post your Papa Smurf/Skeletor fan fiction, instead of feeding it to the shredder in K.T.’s office. And you would finally stop calling your cousin Morris for help. Instead, it would be Cousin Morris who was always calling you.”
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Amy Greenlee is the Editor of Pause Button and Gospel of Jest. You can find her on Medium and Twitter.
