If Aubrey Plaza Was Your BFF
You would never ask her what it was like to grow up in Delaware
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, she would take you to a Hollywood function even though she’d rather stay at home. Then she’d say “See? Was it really that much fun to see Timothée Chalamet up close? And you’d admit that it really wasn’t.
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, you would be able to tell how annoyed she was based on how many old timey accents she was slipping into. “See here now, Sonny. You’ve really flubbed the dub. You can’t cut the mustard and ya never will. So why don’t ya shut your sauce box and put the old stopper on?” she’d bellow into the small little galley kitchen of your apartment. Then you’d say “Sorry. I’ll back off and give you more time to process.”
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, she would always talk the server into giving you the corner booth by the big window. But she wouldn’t do it as Aubrey Plaza, she’d do it in disguise — using nothing but gumption and a reckless commitment to character.
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, she would secretly sign the both of you up for a women’s basketball league, and she wouldn’t tell you about it until the day it started. “COME. ON-ugh. It’ll be FINE-ugh,” she’d moan at you. “We’re gonna call ourselves the Deadbeat Dolphins. And we’re gonna get matching hoodies with a dolphin leaning back against a rock and smokin’ a joint. And I already ordered you one and EVERYTHING-ugh.”
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, you would know that her favorite drink wasn’t a MargaRight made with Cointreau but a Paloma made with Squirt, and you’d make it for her whenever she stopped by.
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, you would never ask about what it was like growing up in Delaware or that time she met Joe Biden, and you’d cringe every time a talk show host brought it up. “Can’t you see the woman’s already answered that a million times?!” you’d yell at your TV. “What’s gonna be next? The Michael Schur story? Yup. Yup. There it is! CAN’T ANYBODY COME UP WITH AN ORIGINAL QUESTION ANYMORE?!?!”
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, you would never stop asking her what it was like to go to an all girls Catholic school. And you’d save up all your questions about nuns for her too.
But she’d just deflect them, saying “I don’t really mess around with that hard stuff anymore.”
And you’d say “Religion?”
And she’d say “Yeah.” Then she’d wait a beat before adding “Not since the exorcism.”
And you’d laugh and praise her dry humor and comedic timing, but a very small part of your brain would be like “huh.”
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, she would warn you against putting your child into Irish step dancing. “Look,” she’d say. “I know they have red hair and all, and I’m not saying it wouldn’t be cute. But that stiff upper body stuff really stays with you. It STAYS with you, I TELL YA.”
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, she would never look down on you for fumbling your order at a restaurant or having no idea what to do with your hands when people looked at you. And if you ever did something truly humiliating— like having a panic attack just trying to say your own name, she would say “Hold on. Give me a couple minutes.” Then she would disappear for exactly two minutes, and when she returned, she’d say “Yeah, no one’s gonna remember that thing you did.” And her dress and face (and hair?!) would be so covered in Jello(?)— Where did she even find that much Jello??? — that you would know it was true.
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, you would know that the unhinged stuff was (mostly) an act.
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, you would see the quiet, perceptive side of her that didn’t play well on talk shows.
If Aubrey Plaza was your BFF, you would tell her a story about your childhood you thought was funny, and she’d say “Shit, man. That’s really fucked up.” And you’d lock eyes to see if she was joking, but she wouldn’t be. Then she’d say “You know that’s fucked up, right?” And you’d cry a little, but it would be a good, productive sort of cry. And you’d sleep more soundly that night than you had in a long time.
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Amy Greenlee is the Editor of Pause Button and Gospel of Jest. You can find her on Medium and Twitter.
